Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 320

Gravdigr · 10-03-2013, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glinda

Two TV antennas met on a roof and fell in love. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was OUTSTANDING.

Dammit, I fell for that, again.

Nirvana · 10-06-2013, 01:11 PM

.

footfootfoot · 10-07-2013, 06:16 AM

Ground Beef!

Gravdigr · 10-07-2013, 12:38 PM

Le Royale w/cheese.[/Jules]

xoxoxoBruce · 10-08-2013, 10:51 AM

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts!!.

lumberjim · 10-12-2013, 12:43 PM

lumberjim · 10-14-2013, 03:19 PM

What's the hardest part of learning to Rollerblade?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

Sheldonrs · 10-15-2013, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

What's the hardest part of learning to Rollerblade?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

For me, it was having the elbow reset 2 times after dislocating it. :-)

lumberjim · 10-15-2013, 01:06 PM

Ow. I think I'd rather be gay

Sheldonrs · 10-15-2013, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Ow. I think I'd rather be gay

Either way, the first time will hurt. :-)

Gravdigr · 10-15-2013, 04:17 PM

See there, that's the shit I missed.

Gravdigr · 10-15-2013, 04:40 PM

See, they're at the Grey Matter Brain Bistro, see.

The menu reads Einstein, Edison, Tesla, Hawking...And on the Lite Menu? Lohan.

Don't forget Today's Special...

Name: nutallergy.JPG
Views: 545
Size: 46.6 KB

xoxoxoBruce · 10-17-2013, 11:10 PM

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

orthodoc · 10-18-2013, 12:54 AM

Bruce, I do love you ...

Nirvana · 10-22-2013, 03:01 PM

Americas Misguided Children
TEACHER ARRESTED--SHOCKING.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

10-06-2013, 01:11 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-07-2013, 06:16 AM	#3
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Ground Beef! __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-07-2013, 12:38 PM	#4
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Le Royale w/cheese.[/Jules] __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-08-2013, 10:51 AM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN: Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts!!. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-12-2013, 12:43 PM	#6
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	__________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-14-2013, 03:19 PM	#7
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	What's the hardest part of learning to Rollerblade? Telling your parents that you're gay. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-15-2013, 01:06 PM	#9
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Ow. I think I'd rather be gay __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-15-2013, 04:17 PM	#11
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	See there, that's the shit I missed. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-15-2013, 04:40 PM	#12
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	See, they're at the Grey Matter Brain Bistro, see. The menu reads Einstein, Edison, Tesla, Hawking...And on the Lite Menu? Lohan. Don't forget Today's Special... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-17-2013, 11:10 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-18-2013, 12:54 AM	#14
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Bruce, I do love you ... __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

10-22-2013, 03:01 PM	#15
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Americas Misguided Children TEACHER ARRESTED--SHOCKING. A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

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