Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 320

Crimson Ghost · 02-08-2013, 03:49 AM

A thief breaks into a house.
He goes through the drawers looking for valuables.
As he's digging through the stuff in the drawers, he hears a voice behind his back "Jesus is watching you."
He turns around - no one in the room .
He keeps on going through the stuff, and again behind his back he hears "Jesus is watching you."
He turns around again, but no one's there.
He keeps on with his "work", and then it goes again - "Jesus is watching you."
This time he pulls out a flashlight and starts looking around the room.
In one corner he sees a bird cage with parrot inside.
"Did you say that?" asks the thief.
"Yes I did" says the parrot.
"So, what is your name ?" inquires the thief.
"Oliver" answers the parrot.
Thief starts laughing "Ha, Ha, Oliver, what a funny name for a parrot!"
"Oh, yeah?" goes the parrot "And do you think "Jesus" is funny name for a Doberman?"

Gravdigr · 02-09-2013, 06:47 PM

Woops.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-09-2013, 10:48 PM

A steak fanatic, my father always picks out cuts that include a bone, because he loves to nibble on it.
One night Father and I were finishing our dinners at a steakhouse, and I could tell he wanted to start gnawing on the bone. But he couldn't bear to do so in public.

"Excuse me," he said, calling the waitress over, "would you please wrap this bone up for my dog?" Father has never owned a dog in his life, but the while lie seemed a tactful solution to his dilemma.

A few minutes later, the waitress returned to our table. "Here's your bone, sir," she said, handing over a large package. "And while I was in the kitchen, I grabbed a few more out of the scrap bucket."

Gravdigr · 02-10-2013, 05:12 PM

footfootfoot · 02-14-2013, 01:07 PM

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor bastard.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
What a fool, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Do you smell fish?'

What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How does a soprano sing a scale? A: Do-Re-Me NOT YOU ME - ME - ME!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Nevermind...there's no point.

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'

If you pour root beer into a square cup will you get beer?

I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I started looking, all the signs were there.

I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram!

Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now!

Why did Stacey fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock Knock. Who's there?
Not Stacey.

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

jimhelm · 02-14-2013, 01:12 PM

Quote:

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

keepers.

glatt · 02-14-2013, 01:12 PM

bravo!

Pete Zicato · 02-14-2013, 01:15 PM

Those were great, foot. Thanks.

You contemplating a career in stand-up?

infinite monkey · 02-14-2013, 01:22 PM

Not without me, he's not.

Actual scholarship application statement:

I have a good work ethic, and because I like to get things done and leave nothing unfinished.

footfootfoot · 02-14-2013, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pete Zicato

Those were great, foot. Thanks.

You contemplating a career in stand-up?

Nah, I stole all those from reddit. I was looking for a long joke that I am too lazy to type out and didn't find it, but found those. Spent an hour there. ugh.

I really liked the first one, it reminded me of my dad, who had phenomenal delivery. IT was the type of joke he would tell.

Agreed with LJ on his other two choices. Keepers.

footfootfoot · 02-14-2013, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Not without me, he's not.

Actual scholarship application statement:

I have a good work ethic, and because I like to get things done and leave nothing unfinished.

True. Time to dust off all those Nick and Nora Charles films.

jimhelm · 02-14-2013, 01:27 PM

I like the Sean Connery one and the pencil knock knock joke too

Gravdigr · 02-14-2013, 02:41 PM

The drummer joke reminded me of this one I saw the other day:

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer drools out both sides of his mouth.

Clodfobble · 02-14-2013, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Why did Stacey fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock Knock. Who's there?
Not Stacey.

This pair cracked me up, too.

Here's my favorite joke ever, which Minifob is good at telling:

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

jimhelm · 02-14-2013, 07:54 PM

Ripley told me the not Stacey joke when we were Christmas shopping. I lolled.

02-08-2013, 03:49 AM	#4786
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	A thief breaks into a house. He goes through the drawers looking for valuables. As he's digging through the stuff in the drawers, he hears a voice behind his back "Jesus is watching you." He turns around - no one in the room . He keeps on going through the stuff, and again behind his back he hears "Jesus is watching you." He turns around again, but no one's there. He keeps on with his "work", and then it goes again - "Jesus is watching you." This time he pulls out a flashlight and starts looking around the room. In one corner he sees a bird cage with parrot inside. "Did you say that?" asks the thief. "Yes I did" says the parrot. "So, what is your name ?" inquires the thief. "Oliver" answers the parrot. Thief starts laughing "Ha, Ha, Oliver, what a funny name for a parrot!" "Oh, yeah?" goes the parrot "And do you think "Jesus" is funny name for a Doberman?" __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

02-09-2013, 06:47 PM	#4787
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Woops. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-09-2013, 10:48 PM	#4788
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A steak fanatic, my father always picks out cuts that include a bone, because he loves to nibble on it. One night Father and I were finishing our dinners at a steakhouse, and I could tell he wanted to start gnawing on the bone. But he couldn't bear to do so in public. "Excuse me," he said, calling the waitress over, "would you please wrap this bone up for my dog?" Father has never owned a dog in his life, but the while lie seemed a tactful solution to his dilemma. A few minutes later, the waitress returned to our table. "Here's your bone, sir," she said, handing over a large package. "And while I was in the kitchen, I grabbed a few more out of the scrap bucket." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-10-2013, 05:12 PM	#4789
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-14-2013, 01:07 PM	#4790
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor bastard. Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all? There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" What a fool, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him. Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Do you smell fish?' What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless. How does a soprano sing a scale? A: Do-Re-Me NOT YOU ME - ME - ME! Knock knock Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind...there's no point. My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test." What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?' The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.' If you pour root beer into a square cup will you get beer? I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I started looking, all the signs were there. I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram! Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero? He's 0K now! Why did Stacey fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Stacey. What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-14-2013, 01:12 PM	#4792
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	bravo!

02-14-2013, 01:15 PM	#4793
Pete Zicato Turns out my CRS is a symptom of TMB. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Chicago suburbs Posts: 2,916	Those were great, foot. Thanks. You contemplating a career in stand-up? __________________ Talk nerdy to me.

02-14-2013, 01:22 PM	#4794
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Not without me, he's not. Actual scholarship application statement: I have a good work ethic, and because I like to get things done and leave nothing unfinished.

02-14-2013, 01:27 PM	#4797
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	I like the Sean Connery one and the pencil knock knock joke too __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

02-14-2013, 02:41 PM	#4798
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	The drummer joke reminded me of this one I saw the other day: How do you know if the stage is level? The drummer drools out both sides of his mouth. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-14-2013, 07:54 PM	#4800
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	Ripley told me the not Stacey joke when we were Christmas shopping. I lolled. __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

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