Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 330

lumberjim · 10-15-2013, 02:06 PM

Ow. I think I'd rather be gay

Sheldonrs · 10-15-2013, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Ow. I think I'd rather be gay

Either way, the first time will hurt. :-)

Gravdigr · 10-15-2013, 05:17 PM

See there, that's the shit I missed.

Gravdigr · 10-15-2013, 05:40 PM

See, they're at the Grey Matter Brain Bistro, see.

The menu reads Einstein, Edison, Tesla, Hawking...And on the Lite Menu? Lohan.

Don't forget Today's Special...

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xoxoxoBruce · 10-18-2013, 12:10 AM

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

orthodoc · 10-18-2013, 01:54 AM

Bruce, I do love you ...

Nirvana · 10-22-2013, 04:01 PM

Americas Misguided Children
TEACHER ARRESTED--SHOCKING.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Lamplighter · 10-22-2013, 04:59 PM

Obama's remark brought a question to my mind...

If we had evolved with only 2 fingers/hand and 2 toes/foot,
would we have invented computers sooner ?

Clodfobble · 10-22-2013, 08:09 PM

*sigh*

That final paragraph might as well read, "And Obama fainted."

footfootfoot · 10-29-2013, 01:26 PM

Here's a great crossword clue I just made up:

Misunderstood pin up girl

Betty Garble

BigV · 10-29-2013, 03:18 PM

*chuckle*

Nirvana · 10-31-2013, 12:54 PM

.

Pete Zicato · 10-31-2013, 01:31 PM

The past, present, and future all walk into a bar. It was tense.

Nirvana · 11-01-2013, 10:37 AM

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

footfootfoot · 11-01-2013, 11:45 AM

10-15-2013, 02:06 PM	#4936
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Ow. I think I'd rather be gay __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-15-2013, 05:17 PM	#4938
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	See there, that's the shit I missed. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-15-2013, 05:40 PM	#4939
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	See, they're at the Grey Matter Brain Bistro, see. The menu reads Einstein, Edison, Tesla, Hawking...And on the Lite Menu? Lohan. Don't forget Today's Special... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-18-2013, 12:10 AM	#4940
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-18-2013, 01:54 AM	#4941
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Bruce, I do love you ... __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

10-22-2013, 04:01 PM	#4942
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Americas Misguided Children TEACHER ARRESTED--SHOCKING. A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-22-2013, 04:59 PM	#4943
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	Obama's remark brought a question to my mind... If we had evolved with only 2 fingers/hand and 2 toes/foot, would we have invented computers sooner ?

10-22-2013, 08:09 PM	#4944
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	sigh That final paragraph might as well read, "And Obama fainted." __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-29-2013, 01:26 PM	#4945
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Here's a great crossword clue I just made up: Misunderstood pin up girl Betty Garble __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-29-2013, 03:18 PM	#4946
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	chuckle __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-31-2013, 12:54 PM	#4947
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-31-2013, 01:31 PM	#4948
Pete Zicato Turns out my CRS is a symptom of TMB. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Chicago suburbs Posts: 2,916	The past, present, and future all walk into a bar. It was tense. __________________ Talk nerdy to me.

11-01-2013, 10:37 AM	#4949
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-01-2013, 11:45 AM	#4950
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	__________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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