Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 332

Gravdigr · 11-16-2013, 11:30 AM

I don't OW find that OW joke to be all OW that funny.

Nirvana · 11-19-2013, 11:39 AM

Gravdigr · 11-19-2013, 06:31 PM

Only one eye, no arms or legs...

Sheldonrs · 11-20-2013, 11:20 AM

And it comes and goes without warning.

BigV · 11-22-2013, 10:50 AM

Oh, there's plenty of warning...

Gravdigr · 12-04-2013, 04:58 PM

Just don't jostle him around a bunch...

Gravdigr · 12-04-2013, 04:59 PM

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xoxoxoBruce · 12-05-2013, 10:23 PM

"My wife ran away with my best friend" Jim said to his friend.
"Was he good looking?" asked his friend.
"I don't know," Jim admitted. "Never met him."

xoxoxoBruce · 12-09-2013, 01:06 AM

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun" it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father".
"How much did you win?"

footfootfoot · 12-09-2013, 09:09 AM

A repeat, but relevent.

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, Get the fck off our car!

glatt · 12-09-2013, 10:38 AM

And then the vampire fainted.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-11-2013, 12:47 PM

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-11-2013, 09:54 PM

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.

Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

Gravdigr · 12-11-2013, 11:09 PM

Hah!

BigV · 12-11-2013, 11:57 PM

oops, wrong wife!

11-16-2013, 11:30 AM	#4966
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I don't OW find that OW joke to be all OW that funny. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

11-19-2013, 11:39 AM	#4967
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Last edited by Nirvana; 11-19-2013 at 01:18 PM.

11-19-2013, 06:31 PM	#4968
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Only one eye, no arms or legs... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

11-20-2013, 11:20 AM	#4969
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	And it comes and goes without warning. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

11-22-2013, 10:50 AM	#4970
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Oh, there's plenty of warning... __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

12-04-2013, 04:58 PM	#4971
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Just don't jostle him around a bunch... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-04-2013, 04:59 PM	#4972
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-05-2013, 10:23 PM	#4973
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	"My wife ran away with my best friend" Jim said to his friend. "Was he good looking?" asked his friend. "I don't know," Jim admitted. "Never met him." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-09-2013, 01:06 AM	#4974
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father" the nun began "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun" it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, father". "How much did you win?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-09-2013, 09:09 AM	#4975
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A repeat, but relevent. Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we do? Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts. Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes. Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent. Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, Get the fck off our car! __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-09-2013, 10:38 AM	#4976
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	And then the vampire fainted.

12-11-2013, 12:47 PM	#4977
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’ And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-11-2013, 09:54 PM	#4978
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot. Would you believe her sister had it all this time!! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-11-2013, 11:09 PM	#4979
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Hah! __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-11-2013, 11:57 PM	#4980
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	oops, wrong wife! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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