Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 333

toranokaze · 12-13-2013, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.

Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

Corsican Sisters?

Lola Bunny · 12-22-2013, 11:30 AM

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

BigV · 12-23-2013, 05:03 PM

AWESOME!

JBKlyde · 12-23-2013, 05:19 PM

I'm telling if you want hummor you must drink the bullet proff juice...

Gravdigr · 12-23-2013, 05:38 PM

I swear to God we're gonna see JB in the news one of these days.

They'll interview his neighbors...and they'll say "He was a quiet man, kept to himself..."

Sheldonrs · 12-23-2013, 06:24 PM

Please pass the viagravation!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/1...p_ref=religion

busterb · 12-25-2013, 03:44 AM

Meanwhile, at the bar…
Singing frogA mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.” “Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” “Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

Lola Bunny · 12-29-2013, 08:04 PM

Not sure how to link or post this nicely. Here goes. It's a link to Amazon.co.uk. Read the reviews for Veet for Men -- Hair Removal. Tears will stream down your face, guaranteed.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B...ag=ukgtedge-21

BigV · 12-30-2013, 11:13 AM

Holy fuckballs. Can't breathe. Lola, you murderer.

Gravdigr · 01-02-2014, 04:21 PM

Ditto. Great, wrenching howls of tear-stained laughter.

Lola, I've had a particularly bad week, and that just made my day.

Thank you.

Especially make sure to read A.Chappelle's, and Tagnutt Mandeville's reviews.

Gravdigr · 01-02-2014, 04:33 PM

The week between Christmas & New Year's is like the taint of holidays...

...Taint Christmas, and taint quite New Year's.

Thought that up my ownself.

BigV · 01-02-2014, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

The week between Christmas & New Year's is like the taint of holidays...

...Taint Christmas, and taint quite New Year's.

Thought that up my ownself.

Agreed! A very nice place to be with your loved one, with pleasure a head and pleasure behind.

Bloke · 01-03-2014, 01:20 PM

This is by Douglas Adams:

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who has the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

glatt · 01-03-2014, 01:26 PM

Awesome! I LOLed.

And the funny thing is, I had read this before but had forgotten how it went. So I still got to enjoy the punch line.

Gravdigr · 01-03-2014, 02:43 PM

Me, too, x 3.

12-23-2013, 05:03 PM	#4983
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	AWESOME! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

12-23-2013, 05:38 PM	#4985
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I swear to God we're gonna see JB in the news one of these days. They'll interview his neighbors...and they'll say "He was a quiet man, kept to himself..." __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-23-2013, 06:24 PM	#4986
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	Please pass the viagravation! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/1...p_ref=religion __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

12-25-2013, 03:44 AM	#4987
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Meanwhile, at the bar… Singing frogA mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.” “Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” “Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.” __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-30-2013, 11:13 AM	#4989
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Holy fuckballs. Can't breathe. Lola, you murderer. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

12-22-2013, 11:30 AM	#4982
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

12-23-2013, 05:19 PM	#4984
JBKlyde Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Encrypted Into an AmpitheaterWall Posts: 1,722	I'm telling if you want hummor you must drink the bullet proff juice...

12-29-2013, 08:04 PM	#4988
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	Not sure how to link or post this nicely. Here goes. It's a link to Amazon.co.uk. Read the reviews for Veet for Men -- Hair Removal. Tears will stream down your face, guaranteed. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B...ag=ukgtedge-21

01-02-2014, 04:21 PM	#4990
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Ditto. Great, wrenching howls of tear-stained laughter. Lola, I've had a particularly bad week, and that just made my day. Thank you. Especially make sure to read A.Chappelle's, and Tagnutt Mandeville's reviews. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

01-02-2014, 04:33 PM	#4991
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	The week between Christmas & New Year's is like the taint of holidays... ...Taint Christmas, and taint quite New Year's. Thought that up my ownself. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

01-03-2014, 01:20 PM	#4993
Bloke Almost normal... Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: High Wycombe. Posts: 109	This is by Douglas Adams: This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it. Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do? In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work. We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who has the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

01-03-2014, 01:26 PM	#4994
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Awesome! I LOLed. And the funny thing is, I had read this before but had forgotten how it went. So I still got to enjoy the punch line.

01-03-2014, 02:43 PM	#4995
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Me, too, x 3. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

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