Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 34

Queen of the Ryche · 08-18-2005, 08:50 PM

Once again, I am soooo glad I'm a woman. Thanks for the reiteration Bruce.

Clodfobble · 08-18-2005, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

False.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.

False.

But despite those two, I'm still damn glad I'm a woman. Having shaved legs is awesome.

Iggy · 08-19-2005, 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no short woman's complex.

Not true!!! When you are 5'1" wearing platforms doesn't really help... and it isn't very comfortable to wear platforms everywhere all the time. Trust me, I know.

Kagen4o4 · 08-19-2005, 12:57 AM

great to be a guy

1. Hot wax never gets near your crotch (not exactly true

)

BigV · 08-19-2005, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagen4o4

great to be a guy

1. Hot wax never gets near your crotch (not exactly true

)

That must be your feminine side

Otherwise, the list is right on target! RAAAAARRRRRGH!

:flexes:

xoxoxoBruce · 08-19-2005, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iggy

Not true!!! When you are 5'1" wearing platforms doesn't really help... and it isn't very comfortable to wear platforms everywhere all the time. Trust me, I know.

But guys dig itty bitty chicks.

[hick] Wal shucks...she hardly comes up to ma belt buckle....hyuk yuk yuk[hick]

Kagen4o4 · 08-20-2005, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

[hick] Wal shucks...she hardly comes up to ma belt buckle....hyuk yuk yuk[hick]

perfect....walking BJ

Iggy · 08-20-2005, 06:29 PM

Hey now...

wolf · 08-21-2005, 10:06 PM

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating.

Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Kagen4o4 · 08-21-2005, 11:33 PM

a guy walks into a bar and slips on a pile of shlt, he says to the bartender "hey what are you going to do about this stuff?" the bartender replies "well patrons bring in their dogs and i guess the customer is always right etc etc"
5min later a big irish guy walks in and slips over too. first guy says "hey, i just did that" so the irish picks him up and throws him out the window

Cyclefrance · 08-22-2005, 07:45 AM

Can't beat a good squat joke!

BigV · 08-23-2005, 02:10 PM

Hey lookout123:

...So there's this couple on vacation, they're traveling overseas. They are kind of adventurous and one thing they like to do is try different restaurants. There's this one little cafe they go into, looks interesting, small, very clean, and boy, are they hungry. The hostess seats them at a little table for two, and a handsome, white-gloved waiter comes over to bring them some bread and take their order.

The little bread plates are on the table, and the waiter holds a large basket of fresh, delicious bread, and uses these sparkling silver tongs to artistically arrange the bread on the plate, takes their order and glides off to the kitchen.

A little while later, the waiter comes by and offers to refill their water glasses, but apparently the local custom for water doesn't include ice. When they mention this the waiter disappears momentarily and returns with a silver bucket and uses his tongs to add ice to each glass. So refreshing, such service!

The finger food appetizers arrive and once again the plates are served beautifully, with each item carefully placed in relation to the other with the tongs. They are as tasty as they are beautiful.

The main course comes and again with the presentation at the table of the assembly of the dish, with each item delicately arranged, just so. It was hard to decide if the dish was more wonderful to look at or eat! Delectable! And never once did the server's hands come in contact with the food.

This suits the couple, in fact, the husband actually makes a comment about the sanitary conditions. The waiter smiles in acknowledgement, and says that, yes, there are strict rules in the restaurant about never using your hands to touch *anything*. The wife titters, and her gaze reflexively moves to the waiter's crotch, where she notices there's a little string hanging from the waiter's fly. She mentions this to the waiter and he proudly explains that, in keeping with the policy, the string is tied on and in that way he never has to touch himself when he goes to the bathroom, and his hands stay clean.

This naturally begs the question, which she asks, as to how things get put back together. The waiter looks to the left and to the right, and with a couple of sharp claps with the tongs says, "I don't know about the other fellows, but I use these."

Elspode · 09-01-2005, 12:29 PM

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers
and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the
Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer,
For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally
Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To
Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass
As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies.
Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou
Art Doing
It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt
Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be
Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With
Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and
Stop
Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just
Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once
the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining
To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your
Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting
Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before
You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In
Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor
Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague
Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough,
Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It.
Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your
Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give,
and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally
Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A
Difference.

VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not.
Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably
Get
A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who
Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time
Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will
Have
More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?

LabRat · 09-01-2005, 01:34 PM

Post #488

I don't get it...

Happy Monkey · 09-01-2005, 01:37 PM

Presumably the barber's wife is at the barber's house.

08-18-2005, 08:50 PM	#496
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	Once again, I am soooo glad I'm a woman. Thanks for the reiteration Bruce. __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

08-21-2005, 10:06 PM	#504
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it! __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

08-22-2005, 07:45 AM	#506
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Can't beat a good squat joke! __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

08-23-2005, 02:10 PM	#507
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Hey lookout123: ...So there's this couple on vacation, they're traveling overseas. They are kind of adventurous and one thing they like to do is try different restaurants. There's this one little cafe they go into, looks interesting, small, very clean, and boy, are they hungry. The hostess seats them at a little table for two, and a handsome, white-gloved waiter comes over to bring them some bread and take their order. The little bread plates are on the table, and the waiter holds a large basket of fresh, delicious bread, and uses these sparkling silver tongs to artistically arrange the bread on the plate, takes their order and glides off to the kitchen. A little while later, the waiter comes by and offers to refill their water glasses, but apparently the local custom for water doesn't include ice. When they mention this the waiter disappears momentarily and returns with a silver bucket and uses his tongs to add ice to each glass. So refreshing, such service! The finger food appetizers arrive and once again the plates are served beautifully, with each item carefully placed in relation to the other with the tongs. They are as tasty as they are beautiful. The main course comes and again with the presentation at the table of the assembly of the dish, with each item delicately arranged, just so. It was hard to decide if the dish was more wonderful to look at or eat! Delectable! And never once did the server's hands come in contact with the food. This suits the couple, in fact, the husband actually makes a comment about the sanitary conditions. The waiter smiles in acknowledgement, and says that, yes, there are strict rules in the restaurant about never using your hands to touch anything. The wife titters, and her gaze reflexively moves to the waiter's crotch, where she notices there's a little string hanging from the waiter's fly. She mentions this to the waiter and he proudly explains that, in keeping with the policy, the string is tied on and in that way he never has to touch himself when he goes to the bathroom, and his hands stay clean. This naturally begs the question, which she asks, as to how things get put back together. The waiter looks to the left and to the right, and with a couple of sharp claps with the tongs says, "I don't know about the other fellows, but I use these." __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-01-2005, 12:29 PM	#508
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	The Commandments of Coyote. I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer, For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't. II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies. Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou Art Doing It Entirely Wrong. III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and Stop Him. IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once the Hitting Gets Started. V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine. VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise. VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough, Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life. VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It. Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give, and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A Difference. VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not. Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably Get A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will Have More Fun. X. Are You Going To Eat That? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

08-19-2005, 12:57 AM	#499
Kagen4o4 The Sheriff of Nothingland Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Melbourne, Aus Posts: 1,794	great to be a guy 1. Hot wax never gets near your crotch (not exactly true )

08-20-2005, 06:29 PM	#503
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Hey now...

08-21-2005, 11:33 PM	#505
Kagen4o4 The Sheriff of Nothingland Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Melbourne, Aus Posts: 1,794	a guy walks into a bar and slips on a pile of shlt, he says to the bartender "hey what are you going to do about this stuff?" the bartender replies "well patrons bring in their dogs and i guess the customer is always right etc etc" 5min later a big irish guy walks in and slips over too. first guy says "hey, i just did that" so the irish picks him up and throws him out the window

09-01-2005, 01:34 PM	#509
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	Post #488 I don't get it... __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

09-01-2005, 01:37 PM	#510
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	Presumably the barber's wife is at the barber's house. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

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