Humor...I Need Humor...

[mrnoodle]

File this under quasi-political humo(u)r. Again in the email, again kind of funny. My sister's on a roll lately. Anyway....


The European Language Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[footfootfoot]

herr noodle has vays uf meking you leff...

[Cyclefrance]

This one could be adapted to suit your requirements:

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I´ll have a Claims monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That´ll be £5,000".

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist
went over to the shopkeeper and said,"That was a very expensive monkey.
Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can settle claims very fast,
clear records, no mistakes, well worth the money".

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one´s even more expensive. £10,000 - what does it do?"
"Oh, that´s one´s a Wordings monkey; it can design contracts, check
clauses, proof-read very long documents, write wordings, even some law.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around and saw another monkey - price £15,000. "That´s
an underwriter monkey the owner said. He assesses the risk and calculates
the premium, a very important job.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a
cage of it´s own (pissed out of it´s head). The price tag around its neck
read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper,"That one costs more than all
the others all put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper shook his head and replied.
"Well, I haven´t actually seen it do anything yet but it says it´s a
broker."

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by dov

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

Welcome Dov - and don't dismay - over here you will clearly be good to have around in an emergency

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

Welcome Dov - and don't dismay - over here you will clearly be good to have around in an emergency

Thank you Cyclefrance. I have not dismayed since and I am not planning to dismay in the near future.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by dov

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

You better knock that shit off before you convince W to invade Canada.

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

You better knock that shit off before you convince W to invade Canada.

Its cool, Bruce, 666 or 999, we do not need nukes, (shhhh we have em), or even an army.

Mother Nature has taken care of us.

I would give half my kingdom to watch Buhbuh licking his metal rifle, during the states invasion of Canada in minus 60c here. Buhbuh will be speechless after his other brother Buhbuh rips away the metal rifle that his other brother Buhbuh has his tongue fused to.

[busterb]

CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED
(this is not TMI but it IS funny, Happy Holidays everyone)

1. Schizophrenia - **Do You Hear What I Hear?**

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - **We Three Queens Disoriented Are**

3. Amnesia - **I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas**

4. Narcissistic - **Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me**

5. Manic - **Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
fire Hydrants and...

6. Paranoid - **Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me**

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - **Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire**

8. Full Personality Disorder - **You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.**

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - **Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle...

10. Agoraphobia - **I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House**

11. Senile Dementia - **Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe**

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - **I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House.**

13. Social Anxiety Disorder - **Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.**

If you're a schizophrenic and you're threatening suicide, is it concidered a hostage situation?


I am not schizophrenic, and neither am I. (Me neither).

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by dov

Its cool, Bruce, 666 or 999, we do not need nukes, (shhhh we have em), or even an army.

Mother Nature has taken care of us.

I would give half my kingdom to watch Buhbuh licking his metal rifle, during the states invasion of Canada in minus 60c here. Buhbuh will be speechless after his other brother Buhbuh rips away the metal rifle that his other brother Buhbuh has his tongue fused to.

Oh, I see, our Alaskan troops wouldn't know how to handle cold weather.

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Oh, I see, our Alaskan troops wouldn't know how to handle cold weather.

Today President Bush addressed some of our troops in Alaska.

For more than four years, we have seen the brutal nature of the terrorists. They have targeted the innocent in a host of countries from almost every walk of life. In Casablanca, they killed diners enjoying their evening meal. In Bali, they killed tourists on holiday. In Beslan, they killed Russian school children. They have murdered workers in Riyadh … commuters in Madrid … hotel guests in Jakarta … guests at a wedding celebration in Amman … and Iraqi children in Baghdad. The tragic images of innocent victims can make it seem like these terrorist attacks are random, isolated acts of madness.

I heard some bigwig AQer confessed during torture in the torture friendly Canary Islands, that OBL is hiding in Alaska.

American troops in Alaska – 17,989

OOOOOOUUU, scaiwwwwwweeeeeeeee.

(Do you have any clue how far that massive assembly of Alaskan American troops would have to travel, and not lick their metal rifles, (unless being mutes are their thing) would have to travel to reach my hometown of Montreal?

Keep in mind the last of many-failed invasion attempts your country made on mine, we burnt down your White House.
British/Canadian semantics.

btw, Alberta, where our oil is, Alberta is Prairie Province. Comparably the weather in Alaska is tropical. Winters are brutal in most of Alberta, with wind-chill factors, minus 75c is not uncommon.

[Aliantha]

If OBL is hiding in Alaska, maybe he's in cahoots with the US government and their plans to drill for oil in Alaska. Maybe the plan is to go looking for him, and throw in a few miss(pun?)iles (cause we absolutely know he's there!) and wow wee...wadayano! We've struck oil instead of an international terrorist.

This should divert the people for a while...

Disclaimer: I'm absolutely positive that the powers that be would never do anything so transparent!

[Cyclefrance]

Time for another joke...

The Italian Lover and the Blonde

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I'm Norwegian."

[Cyclefrance]

And another (Ozzie/Kiwi category):

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."