Humor...I Need Humor...

[Spexxvet]

An older man wasn't feeling well, and went to his doctor. The doctor ran all kinds of tests, then brought the man in for a consultation.

"I have bad news and worse news for you" said the doctor, "which would you like first?"

"The worse news first" replied the man.

"you have AIDS" the doctor said.

"Oh no! Not AIDS! What am I going to do?" the man was hysterical. Finally he calmed down and asked the doctor what the bad news was.

"You have Alzheimer's" the doctor told him.

"Well, at least I don't have AIDS" said the man.

[Spexxvet]

A man took his wife to the doctor. After many tests, the doctor told the husband "we're not sure if she has Alzheimer's or AIDS".

The husband the doctor what he should do.

"drive her across town and leave her there" replied the doctor, "and if she makes it home, don't fuck her."

[zippyt]

Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always looks for is da black box.!!

[Stress Puppy]

What's the worst thing to be? Scots/Irish.

The Irish part wants to drink all the liquor, and the Scottish part doesn't want to pay for any of it.

[Crimson Ghost]

How do you confuse a Polack?

Place 3 shovels on the ground and tell him "Take your pick."

[BrianR]

New Rules For 2006 - George Carlin

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wedd ings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[Cerdded]

An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.

The elderly man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit.

The elderly man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The elderly man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hi Doc, here I am again!"

[Cerdded]

This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness. This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind.
Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio.
Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes

[Iggy]

What do you call a sheep with a runny nose?



Full.




What do you call a Scotsman with a sheep over each shoulder?





A pimp.

[lumberjim]

I can't remember if I told this one on here or not, and i'm not about to re read 45 pages, so if it's a repeat......suck it.



up


Timmy and his Grandpa are out fishing one day on the lake. Timmy is 10 or so. About 1/2 hour into the trip, Grandpa takes out a beer and ~ppfffttt! ~ cracks it open. He takes a sip, and sighs with satisfaction. It looks so cold and good, Timmy asks, " Hey, Grandpa! Can I have a sip of that beer?"

To which Grandpa replies, "Well, let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your dick?"

Timmy is appalled, and taken aback. "No, I can't Grandpa. I'm only ten! And that's gross!"

"Well, until you're old enough to do that, I'm a fraid I can't share my beer with you."

Timmy is unhappy, but understands. Another half hour goes by, and Grandpa takes out a Robusto Cigar, lights it, and puffs away happily with it between his teeth.

Enjoying the smell, Timmy asks, "Hey Grandpa, Can I have a puff of your cigar?"

To which Grandpa replies, "Well, let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your dick?"

Timmy is appalled, and taken aback. "No, I can't Grandpa. I'm only ten! And that's gross!"

"Well, until you're old enough to do that, I'm a fraid I can't share my cigar with you."
Yet another half hour goes by, and Timmy takes out his baggie of oreo cookies. Grandpa sees him enjoying their chocolatey goodness, and asks, " Hey Timmy, can I have one of your Oreos?"

To which Timmy replies, "Well, let me ask you a question, Grandpa. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your dick?"

Grandpa puffs up a bit, and says proudly, "Why Yes. Yes I can."

So Timmy says,









"Good! Go FUCK YOURSELF! These are MY Oreos!"

[Cerdded]

Brain Inactivity


While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a
stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After
what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his
scrubs and a long face.


Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain shows no sign of
activity, but his heart is still beating."


"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock. "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

[Spexxvet]

A social worker visited an elderly lady. They were having such a nice conversation that he stayed talking with her for so long that he began to feel hungry. He saw a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and asked the lady if he could have some. "help yourself" she said. They talked more, as he ate peanuts, and as he got up to got up to go he apologized for eating all of her peanuts. "Don't worry" she said, "ever since my teeth went bad, I've only been able to suck the chocolate off the outside."

[Cerdded]

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

[ferret88]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The female Police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

[ferret88]

How To Clean A Toilet, The "FUN" Way ...



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog