Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 64

zippyt · 06-11-2006, 10:38 PM

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They
brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The
next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black
eye?"His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your
hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk
... killed with an axe."

skysidhe · 06-11-2006, 11:07 PM

zippyt , eww gross! disgusting!

Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to *do* someone who has *been there*

ewwwww! Is grossed out.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-12-2006, 08:42 AM

Aw lighten up, skysidhe.

zippyt · 06-12-2006, 08:58 AM

skysidhe,

That was JUST a joke , NOT from presonal experence .

skysidhe · 06-12-2006, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zippyt

skysidhe,

That was JUST a joke , NOT from presonal experence .

It's ok. I don't like tasteless small penis jokes either.

The first rule in a tastless joke is it HAS TO BE FUNNY.

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

zippyt · 06-12-2006, 09:45 AM

The first rule in a tastless joke is it HAS TO BE FUNNY.

Aussie humor I guess .

skysidhe · 06-12-2006, 09:48 AM

sorry zippyt. I just ribbing ya.

-peace-

The Nuns Regret
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

footfootfoot · 06-12-2006, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

zippyt , eww gross! disgusting!

Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to *do* someone who has *been there*

ewwwww! Is grossed out.

Reminds me of anchovies, the tiny little fish that smell like fingers...

ba dump bump

skysidhe · 06-12-2006, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

......the tiny little fish that smell like fingers...

ba dump bump

hehehe ok that was funny .....but still gross :p at least ya got a smile out of it

xoxoxoBruce · 06-12-2006, 01:13 PM

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

BigV · 06-12-2006, 03:11 PM

Proudly stolen and repeated from the cookie bot:

Kotex isn't the *best* thing in the world, but it's close to it.

zippyt · 06-12-2006, 06:33 PM

Sorry in advance Ladys ,

How do you make a woman pick cotton ??

Light her string

capnhowdy · 06-12-2006, 06:51 PM

AKA: Manhole Covers.

skysidhe · 06-13-2006, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zippyt

Sorry in advance Ladys ,

How do you make a woman pick cotton ??

Light her string

now that was funny!

kingfisher · 06-14-2006, 10:17 AM

Time constraints prohibit me from reading every post here at this time but I’m working on it. Sooo if this one has been posted beforehand… a thousand pardons….

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of,"Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE.....UHH!" all night long. In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection"

The second dwarf shook his head." You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

06-11-2006, 10:38 PM	#946
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, "Skunk ... killed with an axe." __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-12-2006, 08:42 AM	#948
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Aw lighten up, skysidhe. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-12-2006, 08:58 AM	#949
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	skysidhe, That was JUST a joke , NOT from presonal experence . __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-12-2006, 09:45 AM	#951
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	The first rule in a tastless joke is it HAS TO BE FUNNY. Aussie humor I guess . __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-12-2006, 01:13 PM	#955
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-11-2006, 11:07 PM	#947
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	zippyt , eww gross! disgusting! Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to do someone who has been there ewwwww! Is grossed out.

06-12-2006, 09:48 AM	#952
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	sorry zippyt. I just ribbing ya. -peace- The Nuns Regret A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die," The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin." The bus driver says, "I'm not married" The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass". Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business. When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married." The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

06-12-2006, 03:11 PM	#956
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Proudly stolen and repeated from the cookie bot: Kotex isn't the best thing in the world, but it's close to it. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

06-12-2006, 06:33 PM	#957
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Sorry in advance Ladys , How do you make a woman pick cotton ?? Light her string __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-12-2006, 06:51 PM	#958
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	AKA: Manhole Covers. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-14-2006, 10:17 AM	#960
kingfisher Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 3	Time constraints prohibit me from reading every post here at this time but I’m working on it. Sooo if this one has been posted beforehand… a thousand pardons…. Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of,"Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE.....UHH!" all night long. In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection" The second dwarf shook his head." You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

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