What's upsetting you today?

[footfootfoot]

I didn't know your husband's ex is Vietnamese.

Maybe you can subpoena Lola as an expert witness.

[kerosene]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, clod. We are dealing with something similar with my stepdaughter, but probably not as dramatic. Still, these mind meddling bio moms are the pits! Just wanted to add whatever words of comfort I can. It won't be this bad forever.

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[kerosene]

I'm sorry, I have to post again. Probably, stepdaughter is afraid of the backlash of guilt she will endure till the end of time is the biggest reason she doesn't move to dad's house. That's the case with ours, anyway. Guilt is the control mechanism for abusive bio mom in our case.

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[Clodfobble]

Hey kero, good to hear from you!

Originally Posted by kerosene

Probably, stepdaughter is afraid of the backlash of guilt she will endure till the end of time is the biggest reason she doesn't move to dad's house.

Oh, absolutely. What we can't figure out is if she wants us to be the "bad guys," demanding that she come live with us so that she gets what she wants without having to look responsible for the change, or if she really doesn't want to deal with switching schools and all those things teenagers put a lot of weight on in addition to their parental situation.

[kerosene]

It probably just has to be her decision either way. And if she chooses status quo, she isn't ready to take responsibility for that choice yet. Ours is going through that, too. She feels like she is hurting no matter what she does.
Personal responsibility is something she has not had role modeled to her in the 9 years she has lived with bio mom. We can't expect her to suddenly get that she can have some responsibility for her choices and be okay with it. Especially at 15. I imagine yours is similar.

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[footfootfoot]

Maybe your being willing to take the fall and be the bad guys is what she needs from you right now. Then, over time, she can learn that it can be safe and desirable to be responsible. Right now she's just a kid who needs help.

And probably a little bit of "social inertia" too.

[kerosene]

That too. Only you (the parents) can know whether it is right to make that call. We keep going back and forth on that very point. Do we fight for them to live here, or allow them to choose

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[Sundae]

Mum's seriously considering having Mia put down.
Because she's being annoying.

On one level I am very upset by this, disappointed in her and quietly horrified.
But when I think it through, I can understand her decision and how she's approaching it. Quality of life is important, and Mum feels hers is being very much compromised by the cat. She hasn't slept in her own bed for the best part of two years now. She finds Mia's constant miaowing very difficult to deal with, and she is slowly being driven mad by the fact that Mia will no longer stay in their room during the day, but needs to be in the living room (this is a problem because of Diz -he can't stay shut up in my room 24-7 and he can't get on with Mia).

Mum says Mia has dementia (hmmmm).
She's certainly deaf and does behave quite erratically. She walks into things and falls over sideways on occasion, although the vet says this is probably due to her loss of hearing as he can't find anything else wrong.

See the thing is, Mum feels she has too much to deal with at present, and she can't cope. Taking an old cat out of the equation might just improve her life a little, and surely my Mum's life is more important than that of a 19 year old cat?
And after all there is a slight chance Mum might just tip over the edge and really hurt her one day; humans can fight back and a wallop is preferable to euthanasia, but cats are too fragile to take abuse and perhaps a nice quiet slip into sleep is better than being kicked out of the way once too often.

I don't know.
I just don't know.
It's not my decision and it's not up to me to judge.

Oh and Uncle Ted died.
Which is upsetting, but not unexpected.
He's quite a bit older than Dad and has been in a nursing home for a few months now. He didn't know anyone or anything in the last few weeks.

The funeral is 28 January, off to Peckham Rye.
It's at the same Crem as Uncle Charlie and Dad's parents.
I might be the only representative of this branch of Robinson children.
I hope not - I think Ste should take a day off just because it would mean so much to Mum. Dad wouldn't necessarily notice, but another person would be a real help with getting him on and off public transport.
Although hopefully Laura won't come. Mean of me, but it's how I feel. It's not likely anyway, she had always judged family on how they treat her children and Ted was just too old and lived too far away to be involved in her kids' lives.

ETA I didn't mean to put my Uncle's actual death below the potential death of a family pet, it was just what was on the top of my mind when I started writing.

[limey]

Some cat charities can rehome old cats. Some people will be glad to home a pet at the end of its life.
Hope the funeral goes ok.

Sent by thought transference

[Aliantha]

Sorry about your uncle Sundae. Xx

19 is a pretty good innings for a cat. Maybe your Mum is right? Has she always been a wower? It is very hard to deal with. Maybe rehoming is a good option? Your mum does have a lot of things to worry about at present. I hope you can help her find the best solutioj. Xx

[Sundae]

Nineteen is a good age for a cat. And Mia has changed significantly in the last year, so perhaps she is genuinely losing her marbles.

She wasn't vocal when she was younger - not at all.
She didn't call or even purr very much.
After my parents' other cat died (half-Siamese, VERY vocal) she became a normal, slightly quiet cat.

Now she doesn't really shut up.
She cries constantly to come out of the bedroom, to be let into and out of rooms, to go out of the house or come back in again, for food and just for general attention.
It doesn't bother me, I'm used to Diz McNoise, but I can understand that it's getting to Mum.

I think she would rather have Mia put down than adopted.
It would seem more cruel to her having an old and confused cat taken away from her surroundings for the last year or so of her life.
And I agree with that, as skewed as it sounds.
Given the choice between having Diz adopted or put down of course I would choose adoption for him (although I'd rather be put down myself that let him go) but he's still capable of adapting.
I'm not sure if Mia would even survive a cattery these days.

[infinite monkey]

After my parents' other cat died (half-Siamese, VERY vocal) she became a normal, slightly quiet cat.

Well yeah, dead cats tell no tales.

Sorry, couldn't resist. I know what you meant in context.

19 yo is very old for a kitty. If said kitty weren't falling down and stuff I wouldn't advocate euthanasia...but I wonder about a blind cat who falls down. I didn't think blindness would affect a cat's ability to stay on its feet.

So sad, no matter. I wish the best for you and Mia in this situation.

[Clodfobble]

Falling down for no reason would indicate neurological problems to me. And maybe this is anthropomorphizing a bit, but I would be inclined to equate the constant meowing with the unsettled ramblings and rantings of an elderly person, which would make them an indicator of fear/confusion--basically, mental suffering. If Mia were a person perhaps you could reach her, find a way to explain that everything was still all right, but as she's a cat, it's unlikely.

Just being completely honest here, I hope you don't hate me for this, but I'd probably go with a quiet, painless euthanesia as well, if the choice were up to me. Not because of the annoyance factor, but because I would assume that her quality of life had gone down enough that it was wrong to prolong the suffering just for the sake of keeping the humans company a little longer. In my defense, I'm also usually a fan of hospice care for terminal human patients instead of extreme medical treatments that extend life by only a small fraction.

[Sundae]

I don't hate you at all. And not because I just don't hate you.
I posted here because I was trying to come to terms with something I found quite shocking.
I mean this is the woman who set an alarm clock to get up and give "my" rabbit oral antibiotics during the night. "My" rabbit because of course she was a family pet, and I had left home by then.

The more I think it through the less I am shocked.
I'm still saddened. But I know Mum is too.
She might not have Mia put down, but she did feel they waited too long with Tinker, the cat I grew up with.
The situation was different, and Tinker was a mercy killing, but Mum was the one who cried and cried.
She doesn't need that on top of everything else.

I'ma gonna tell her it's okay if that is her decision, not that I would have said anything if I didn't agree.
But I do love her, and I want her to know I understand.

Funnily enough (not funny) Auntie Joyce called while I was typing this post.
Uncle Ted's wife.
We had a good old chat.
I had to pass her on to Dad (Mum's housesitting) even though I know he will struggle to hear her and won't necessarily remember she called.
But as she said to me, "Don't worry, I'm used to the Robinson men after all this time!"

[DanaC]

Tough call. Good idea to let her know you're on board with whatever decision she reaches.