Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 67

Shawnee123 · 07-05-2006, 12:40 PM

Excellent, Iggy!

Crimson Ghost · 07-06-2006, 01:14 AM

Alright, I'm keeping that one, Iggy.

I know some Born Again Christians who need to see it.

footfootfoot · 07-06-2006, 02:08 PM

how come the Pakistani football team has never won the world cup?

Everytime they get a corner, they open a corner shop.

Iggy · 07-06-2006, 05:35 PM

Thanks... I do try.

Cyclefrance · 07-07-2006, 11:23 AM

Swedish Stag Night
Check out the picture (nothing unusual to be seen) than read what follows...

Cyclefrance · 07-07-2006, 11:26 AM

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different.. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed.. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day...

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all...
.
BUT...
.
In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden....

Imagine the grooms horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...

neither did friend two ...
nor three ...
or four...

Now check out the false beard again...........

Crimson Ghost · 07-08-2006, 03:37 AM

As we all know, after the Last Supper, The Christ was arrested, beaten, and crucified.

As the Romans were nailing him to the cross, his followers were standing at the base, crying and gnashing their teeth.

"Why must he die? Why oh why?"
"God, tell us why he must die!"

The Christ looks at them and screams "I wouldn't have to die if you fuckers would get a ladder and a pair of plyers!!!"

BrianR · 07-11-2006, 10:25 PM

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

footfootfoot · 07-11-2006, 10:50 PM

Where does virgin olive oil come form?

Ugly olives.

Then where does Extra Virgin olive oil come from?

Fat and ugly olives.

skysidhe · 07-19-2006, 02:20 PM

Elspode · 07-19-2006, 11:28 PM

The best part of the pic is the little Monopoly dog onlooker.

skysidhe · 07-20-2006, 01:02 AM

I am so whimsy Elspode so that although the scene would be grim I find it very clever .

I noticed though it was either the king or queen had died. I wonder why. Perhaps this person never lost a chess game before

) Or maybe they are just free enough to express their whimsy.

bluecuracao · 07-20-2006, 01:06 AM

God, I hope the Bishop didn't arrive too late.

dar512 · 07-20-2006, 01:24 PM

A young couple decides to take their vacation at a remote tropical island. Everything was ideal and they were having a great time, when they notice the sound of drums in the distance. Worried, they ask one of the natives about the drums. The native also looks worried, but assures them that "Drums ok".

The drums continue through the night and into the next day. As the day continues, the drumming becomes louder. The couple decide to go and ask one of the villagers about this. Just as they find the chief, the drumming builds to an incredible crescendo and then stops.

By this time the couple are frightened out of their wits when the chief cries, "Oh no! Drums stop. - Now come bass solo."

07-20-2006, 04:42 PM

This is a bilingual joke for the Hispanicists amongst you . Humble apologies for the lack of tildes , upside-down
exclamation marks etc . I am on a French computer .

José Garcia Fernandez arrives in London , only to find that he has forgotten to pack his socks . He does not speak English , and he hates gesticulating . The next day , he wanders sad and sockless around Knightsbridge , but finally , to his joy , he sights Harvey Nichols . He is on that famous corner near Sloane Square ...

He rushes into the shop , and manages to attract the attention of a salesman :

José : Hola , buenos dias , Senor . Quisiera comprar calcetines , por favor .

Harvey Nichols chappie : ..um..

José : calcetines

H.N.C. : I am afraid that we only speak English here , sir .

José : Joder . Calcetines . Qué no es tan complicado ! Estoy harto ya de andar sin calcetines en esta ciudad . No sabes vender , o qué ?

H.N.C. : I am afraid we only speak English here , sir .

Being a pragmatic sort of man , the Harvey Nichols man finally understands that the Spaniard would like to buy something . He holds up a tie .

José : No , no , no . Tengo ocho corbatas !

He holds up a belt .

José : Tampoco !

A shirt ....

José : Joder , no ! Y qué color mas feo !

After displaying braces , trousers , shoes .... the patient salesman finally holds up a pair of socks .

José ( with great joy) ESO SI QUE ES !

The salesman ( in a slightly sniffy voice) : Well sir ,I see that you can SPELL what you required . Why couldn't you have said so earlier ?

07-05-2006, 12:40 PM	#991
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Excellent, Iggy! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-06-2006, 01:14 AM	#992
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Alright, I'm keeping that one, Iggy. I know some Born Again Christians who need to see it. __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-06-2006, 02:08 PM	#993
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	how come the Pakistani football team has never won the world cup? Everytime they get a corner, they open a corner shop. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

07-06-2006, 05:35 PM	#994
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Thanks... I do try. __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

07-07-2006, 11:23 AM	#995
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Swedish Stag Night Check out the picture (nothing unusual to be seen) than read what follows... Attached Images __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

07-07-2006, 11:26 AM	#996
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper. The Swedes do it different.. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed.. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts! This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day... Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all... . BUT... . In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.... Imagine the grooms horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ... neither did friend two ... nor three ... or four... Now check out the false beard again........... __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

07-08-2006, 03:37 AM	#997
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	As we all know, after the Last Supper, The Christ was arrested, beaten, and crucified. As the Romans were nailing him to the cross, his followers were standing at the base, crying and gnashing their teeth. "Why must he die? Why oh why?" "God, tell us why he must die!" The Christ looks at them and screams "I wouldn't have to die if you fuckers would get a ladder and a pair of plyers!!!" __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-11-2006, 10:25 PM	#998
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

07-11-2006, 10:50 PM	#999
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Where does virgin olive oil come form? Ugly olives. Then where does Extra Virgin olive oil come from? Fat and ugly olives. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

07-19-2006, 02:20 PM	#1000
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

07-19-2006, 11:28 PM	#1001
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	The best part of the pic is the little Monopoly dog onlooker. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

07-20-2006, 01:02 AM	#1002
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I am so whimsy Elspode so that although the scene would be grim I find it very clever . I noticed though it was either the king or queen had died. I wonder why. Perhaps this person never lost a chess game before ) Or maybe they are just free enough to express their whimsy.

07-20-2006, 01:06 AM	#1003
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	God, I hope the Bishop didn't arrive too late.

07-20-2006, 01:24 PM	#1004
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	A young couple decides to take their vacation at a remote tropical island. Everything was ideal and they were having a great time, when they notice the sound of drums in the distance. Worried, they ask one of the natives about the drums. The native also looks worried, but assures them that "Drums ok". The drums continue through the night and into the next day. As the day continues, the drumming becomes louder. The couple decide to go and ask one of the villagers about this. Just as they find the chief, the drumming builds to an incredible crescendo and then stops. By this time the couple are frightened out of their wits when the chief cries, "Oh no! Drums stop. - Now come bass solo." __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

07-20-2006, 04:42 PM	#1005
Buddug Guest Posts: n/a	This is a bilingual joke for the Hispanicists amongst you . Humble apologies for the lack of tildes , upside-down exclamation marks etc . I am on a French computer . José Garcia Fernandez arrives in London , only to find that he has forgotten to pack his socks . He does not speak English , and he hates gesticulating . The next day , he wanders sad and sockless around Knightsbridge , but finally , to his joy , he sights Harvey Nichols . He is on that famous corner near Sloane Square ... He rushes into the shop , and manages to attract the attention of a salesman : José : Hola , buenos dias , Senor . Quisiera comprar calcetines , por favor . Harvey Nichols chappie : ..um.. José : calcetines H.N.C. : I am afraid that we only speak English here , sir . José : Joder . Calcetines . Qué no es tan complicado ! Estoy harto ya de andar sin calcetines en esta ciudad . No sabes vender , o qué ? H.N.C. : I am afraid we only speak English here , sir . Being a pragmatic sort of man , the Harvey Nichols man finally understands that the Spaniard would like to buy something . He holds up a tie . José : No , no , no . Tengo ocho corbatas ! He holds up a belt . José : Tampoco ! A shirt .... José : Joder , no ! Y qué color mas feo ! After displaying braces , trousers , shoes .... the patient salesman finally holds up a pair of socks . José ( with great joy) ESO SI QUE ES ! The salesman ( in a slightly sniffy voice) : Well sir ,I see that you can SPELL what you required . Why couldn't you have said so earlier ?

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