Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Gotta credit Wolf with this one.
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is w\Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive.
Women who sleep on their stomachs are competent.
Women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

[hot_pastrami]

One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says heíd be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.

"What's wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"She and I both got fired."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy “.

[wolf]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[dar512]

Little Tommy reminded me of Little Wille.

Also might be appropriate for the parenting forum.


Little Willie hung his sister
She was dead before we missed her
Willie's always up to tricks
Ain't he cute? He's only six!

Willie poisoned his father's tea
His father died in agony
Mother came and looked quite vexed
"Really, Will," she said, "What next!"

Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
All the neighbors cried, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"

[Happy Monkey]

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
nailed his sister to the door.
His mother said, with humor quaint,
"Willie, dear, don't scratch the paint!"

Down the family wishing well
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet, because it kilt her.
Now we have to buy a filter.

Willie saw some dynamite.
Couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity seldom pays.
It rained Willie seven days.

[wolf]

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
  
  A backward poet writes... inverse.
  
  A man's home is his castle..., in a manor of speaking.
  
  Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  
  Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  
  Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  
  A man needs a mistress... just to break the monogamy.
  
  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  
  Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  
  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  
  Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  
  Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  
  When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  
  A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  
  The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)
  
  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
  In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  
  She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  
  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  
  If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  
  With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  
  When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  
  
  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  
  You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
  Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.
  
  He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
  Every calendar's days are numbered.
  
  A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  
  A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  
  He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  
  A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  
  A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  
  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  
  Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  
  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  
  Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
  Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[wolf]

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,

Saddam Hussein

[Happy Monkey]

Originally posted by wolf
...If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party....
Regards,

Saddam Hussein

Apparently, Hussein is a Republican - he uses the term "Democrat Party".

[xoxoxoBruce]

Two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted on the playground.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[Trillian-zz9]

1. What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road?

There are skidmarks infront of the skunk.

2. A man walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy sitting in the corner replies, "Hey, I take offence to that!"
"Why?" askes the first man, "are you a lawyer?"
The other guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

[FileNotFound]

Top Ten Rejected Valentine Cards!!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store.
In hopes that later, you'd be my wh*re.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled... so make me a sandwich!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown... but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey, you're a cutie
I just wish you had J.Lo's booty.

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister.

[elSicomoro]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.99. Deer nuts are under a buck.

[lumberjim]

have you heard the procrastination joke?













Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow or something.