Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 75

skysidhe · 12-21-2006, 07:42 AM

noviceathome · 12-24-2006, 06:12 PM

A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the mess.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-06-2007, 09:35 AM

An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.
Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire."
The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69."
"Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Literate Strip Club Signs
Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail

The Old Man and the SEE

Check Out our Trollops, Anthony

The Prince and the Peeper

Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde

Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet

It's Ulysses to Resist Us

A Tale of Two Titties

Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming

Leaves of Ass

We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier

Strippy Longstocking

The Hos of Kilimanjaro

skysidhe · 01-06-2007, 02:07 PM

http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous.html

student poop · 01-09-2007, 02:05 PM

a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.

Ibby · 01-09-2007, 07:51 PM

Why are you still here?

xoxoxoBruce · 01-09-2007, 07:59 PM

Chill.

Urbane Guerrilla · 01-09-2007, 08:05 PM

But what if Ibram was... joking? :p

xoxoxoBruce · 01-09-2007, 08:06 PM

Chill anyway.

cowhead · 01-11-2007, 10:07 AM

a bevy of blonde jokes...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is
clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks
in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat
in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade
was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was
the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and
a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"

BrianR · 01-12-2007, 07:59 AM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
him self.& nbsp;
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin'
and I grinned."
"Then she moved and! sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Sundae · 01-12-2007, 10:01 AM

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

monster · 01-12-2007, 07:39 PM

I like those

Dagney · 01-17-2007, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

I work with an entire management team of these.

Shawnee123 · 01-17-2007, 01:41 PM

Bellignorant...some of our students

12-24-2006, 06:12 PM	#2
noviceathome Coronation Incarnate Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: perth, australia Posts: 87	A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the mess. __________________ " I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods you will understand why I dismiss yours "

01-06-2007, 09:35 AM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire." The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69." "Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead". The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Literate Strip Club Signs Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail The Old Man and the SEE Check Out our Trollops, Anthony The Prince and the Peeper Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet It's Ulysses to Resist Us A Tale of Two Titties Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming Leaves of Ass We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier Strippy Longstocking The Hos of Kilimanjaro __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-06-2007, 02:07 PM	#4
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous.html Last edited by skysidhe; 01-06-2007 at 02:08 PM. Reason: repost photo

01-09-2007, 07:51 PM	#6
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Why are you still here? __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

01-09-2007, 07:59 PM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Chill. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-21-2006, 07:42 AM	#1
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

01-09-2007, 02:05 PM	#5
student poop I gotta wand all right. biggest one you've ever seen Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 6	a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.

01-09-2007, 08:05 PM	#8
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	But what if Ibram was... joking? :p __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

01-09-2007, 08:06 PM	#9
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Chill anyway. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-11-2007, 10:07 AM	#10
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	a bevy of blonde jokes... A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

01-12-2007, 07:59 AM	#11
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for him self.& nbsp; The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and! sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

01-12-2007, 10:01 AM	#12
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness. 7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action. 11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

01-12-2007, 07:39 PM	#13
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I like those __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-17-2007, 01:41 PM	#15
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Bellignorant...some of our students __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

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