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#1111 |
erika
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: "the high up north"
Posts: 6,127
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I have talked to drewmo.
oh yes. i have.
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not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh |
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#1112 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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Your jokes are funny guys.
![]() This isn't exactly funny...but it is amusing. I didn't know where else to put them. http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/ http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/ |
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#1113 |
a real smartass
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Kirkland, WA
Posts: 1,121
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To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
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#1114 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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A Letter to Dad
Letter home from school... Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. A week later..... a letter from "home" Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad |
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#1115 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS
Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity It's Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis: Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage I swear he only serves me crank when all his Coke is gone And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John Blame Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!" But I believe the congressman has turned another page Oh! Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas No more meth or men for me - at least in overdoses! Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis! (Just a spoonful of crystal helps the prostitute go down...) ![]()
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
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#1116 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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lol
ok here are some actual anologies some high school teacher collected. http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/ She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. hehehe I think that last one was cute. ![]() |
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#1117 |
erika
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: "the high up north"
Posts: 6,127
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I call bullshit, one of those is Terry Pratchett.
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not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh |
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#1118 |
Elite Elitist
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Fresno, CA
Posts: 359
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Another is Douglas Adams. Rocks are too big says I.
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~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur |
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#1119 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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So this person lied?
A rose by any other name and all. Shakesphere. ps. ....oh and don't shoot the messenger DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER -- From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman: "Don't shoot the messenger. Don't blame the person who brings bad news. This idea was expressed by Sophocles as far back as 442 B.C. and much later by Shakespeare in 'Henry IV, Part II' (1598) and in 'Antony and Cleopatra' (1606-07) The word kill may be used as a substitute for 'shoot.'" Related saying: "Don't shoot the piano-player; he's doing the best he can. Don't hurt innocent people. Originated in the United States in the Wild West, around 1860. During his 1883 tour of the United States, Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) saw this saying on a notice in a Leadville, Colorado, saloon. It is sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, but neither Wilde nor Twain has ever claimed authority." Sophocles probably called bullshit on Shakesphere. |
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#1120 |
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Don't resist his advances, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
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“I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte |
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#1121 |
Elite Elitist
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Fresno, CA
Posts: 359
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I doubt the site's author is full of it, but I bet the writers have read some funny books recently.
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~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur |
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#1122 |
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
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THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.......... THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID.............. "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX.
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“I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte |
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#1123 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married.
He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?" ![]()
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
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#1124 |
UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 20,012
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True story: when my gay Jewish friend came out to his mother, she said, "Well, if it's gonna be a boy, at least let it be a nice Jewish boy."
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#1125 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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Unusual eBay feedback
POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!
POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside? NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded. NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities. NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised. NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents. POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great! NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. ![]() POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram. POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks! NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt. NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised. NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe. POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar! NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24. POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you? POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+! NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair. NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
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