Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 76

BigV · 11-30-2006, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

A Letter to Dad

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

$ky$idhe:

If you're going in intercept, read and po$t my mail, plea$e cary on and and an$wer it a$ well, won't you?

busterb · 11-30-2006, 06:27 PM

Bennie Thompson D MS. Is incoming chairman of HLS.

busterb · 12-01-2006, 05:14 PM

Sorry that wasn't even funny.

skysidhe · 12-01-2006, 08:12 PM

lol

I went to the Bank today to try and convert some currency. I asked then to change Canadian to the American dollar but since I didn't have an account there they said they wouldn't. Sorry BIG

( true story) ( actually it was American to Canadian. I needed some to put in a Birthday card for a friend but for the sake of your post I changed it to fit your local)

xoxoxoBruce · 12-04-2006, 08:15 AM

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly.
The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident.

At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly.
The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident.

At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist.
The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor.
He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch.
But nothing happened.

He turned it off and then back on again,
but still nothing.

The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"
The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me.

Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!"

Pie · 12-04-2006, 12:43 PM

*GROAN*

skysidhe · 12-06-2006, 09:13 AM

Gleep · 12-07-2006, 10:38 AM

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A hell-if-I-no.

~

This is my favorite joke, but it's kinda local. I'm sure you'll get the gist...you can probably substitute in places from all over the world, with minimal work. I think I heard one once with Russians and vodka, but I can't remember it all.

A Coloradoan, a Californian, and a Texan are camping together. They're sitting at the campfire, drinking, when the Texan gets up and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes one swig, then throws it up and shoots it out of the air.
"What did you do that for?! That bottle was mostly full!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of whiskey where I come from." The Texan replied.
The Californian thought on this for a while, and then pulled out a bottle of wine. He took one swig, and then tossed it up and shot it out of the air.
"What'd you do that for!? That was a good bottle of wine!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of that where I come from." The Californian said.
The Coloradoan thought for a while, and then he pulled out a can of beer. He drank the whole thing, threw it up in the air, and shot the Californian.
"Oh my god! What did you do that for?!" The Texan exclaimed.
The Coloradoan went over and picked up the can, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of Californians where I come from, but this can is worth 5 cents."

~

A teacher is talking about religion one day, and asks the kids to raise their hands if they're Christian. All the kids except for Tommy raise their hands. She's a little surprised.
"You're not Christian, Tommy?"
"No, I'm pagan." He replies.
Again, she's very surprised. "Why are you pagan!?"
"Well, my mom's a pagan, and my dad's a pagan, so I'm a pagan."
Miffed, the teacher asks, "Well, if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"
Tommy calmly replies, "Then I'd be a christian."

Also works really well with sports teams.

I didn't get through the whole thread, so hopefully they weren't a repeat.

Gleep · 12-07-2006, 10:46 AM

Oh, I just thought of my favorite LOTR jokes. (What can I say...I like bad jokes.)

~

What does Pippin do when he gets drunk?
He starts feeling Merry.

What do you call an Ent that spills his drink?
Teabeard.

What did the man say when he bumped into the wizard?
"Sorry man, I didn't see you there."
(Saruman)

Merry and Pippin are walking home one night, drunk. Suddenly, Merry falls down a hill and breaks a leg. He lies on the ground in pain, and says, "I broke my leg! Quick, Pippin, call me a doctor!"
So Pippin says, "Alright, if you say so. Merry's a doctor! Merry's a doctor!"

12-07-2006, 04:03 PM

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-inTV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

(Yup... my son would be sharing my chair...)

xoxoxoBruce · 12-10-2006, 08:37 AM

THE CRICKET

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Sundae · 12-10-2006, 08:53 AM

- yes we deserve it

Can I at least salvage some national pride by suggesting that those jokes are so cutting they were written by someone English?

xoxoxoBruce · 12-10-2006, 09:47 AM

Australian.

12-12-2006, 01:31 PM

A Scotsman ties on one too many and starts a merry stumbling walk home. He
doesn't get too far before the collection of wee drams takes the better of
him, and he stops for a rest in a ditch by the side of the road, and quickly
falls into a dreamless slumber under the overhanging tree.

Two English ladies on the way home from a visit to drafty castles
(landmarks, they call 'em) spy the man on the side of the road and pull the
car over. One turns to the other and announces, "This is the perfect
opportunity. I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

After a brief inspection, she announces to her companion, "Nothing, just as
I suspected. I'll need to leave him something for the invasion of his
privacy." With that, she pulls a ribbon from her hair, and ties it around
his favored member. Off they go.

A few hours later, the gent wakes up, groggy and with a bit of an ache in
the empty space between the eyes. First things first, he seeks to empty his
bladder agin' the the very tree he found himself sleeping under. Up comes
the kilt, and wide goes his eyes at the sight of the blue ribbon adorning
the member in his hand. "Well, I don' know wha' you been up to, lad, but at
least ya' got firrst place!"

Elspode · 12-12-2006, 02:46 PM

Stole this one from "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Yes, I watched it. I *do* feel dirty, but it was mindless fun, and Jessica Simpson hardly sang at all.

-------------------------

What happens when a politician takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

11-30-2006, 06:27 PM	#1127
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Bennie Thompson D MS. Is incoming chairman of HLS. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-01-2006, 05:14 PM	#1128
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Sorry that wasn't even funny. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-01-2006, 08:12 PM	#1129
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	lol I went to the Bank today to try and convert some currency. I asked then to change Canadian to the American dollar but since I didn't have an account there they said they wouldn't. Sorry BIG ( true story) ( actually it was American to Canadian. I needed some to put in a Birthday card for a friend but for the sake of your post I changed it to fit your local) Last edited by skysidhe; 12-01-2006 at 08:21 PM.

12-04-2006, 08:15 AM	#1130
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly. The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident. At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly. The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident. At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist. The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death. After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch. But nothing happened. He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing. The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?" The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-04-2006, 12:43 PM	#1131
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	GROAN __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

12-06-2006, 09:13 AM	#1132
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Last edited by skysidhe; 03-26-2007 at 08:14 PM.

12-07-2006, 10:38 AM	#1133
Gleep Bibliophile Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: I have the great misfortune to be currently residing in Greeley, CO, USA. Posts: 15	What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? A hell-if-I-no. ~ This is my favorite joke, but it's kinda local. I'm sure you'll get the gist...you can probably substitute in places from all over the world, with minimal work. I think I heard one once with Russians and vodka, but I can't remember it all. A Coloradoan, a Californian, and a Texan are camping together. They're sitting at the campfire, drinking, when the Texan gets up and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes one swig, then throws it up and shoots it out of the air. "What did you do that for?! That bottle was mostly full!" The other two exclaim. "Well, we've got plenty of whiskey where I come from." The Texan replied. The Californian thought on this for a while, and then pulled out a bottle of wine. He took one swig, and then tossed it up and shot it out of the air. "What'd you do that for!? That was a good bottle of wine!" The other two exclaim. "Well, we've got plenty of that where I come from." The Californian said. The Coloradoan thought for a while, and then he pulled out a can of beer. He drank the whole thing, threw it up in the air, and shot the Californian. "Oh my god! What did you do that for?!" The Texan exclaimed. The Coloradoan went over and picked up the can, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of Californians where I come from, but this can is worth 5 cents." ~ A teacher is talking about religion one day, and asks the kids to raise their hands if they're Christian. All the kids except for Tommy raise their hands. She's a little surprised. "You're not Christian, Tommy?" "No, I'm pagan." He replies. Again, she's very surprised. "Why are you pagan!?" "Well, my mom's a pagan, and my dad's a pagan, so I'm a pagan." Miffed, the teacher asks, "Well, if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?" Tommy calmly replies, "Then I'd be a christian." Also works really well with sports teams. I didn't get through the whole thread, so hopefully they weren't a repeat.

12-07-2006, 10:46 AM	#1134
Gleep Bibliophile Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: I have the great misfortune to be currently residing in Greeley, CO, USA. Posts: 15	Oh, I just thought of my favorite LOTR jokes. (What can I say...I like bad jokes.) ~ What does Pippin do when he gets drunk? He starts feeling Merry. What do you call an Ent that spills his drink? Teabeard. What did the man say when he bumped into the wizard? "Sorry man, I didn't see you there." (Saruman) Merry and Pippin are walking home one night, drunk. Suddenly, Merry falls down a hill and breaks a leg. He lies on the ground in pain, and says, "I broke my leg! Quick, Pippin, call me a doctor!" So Pippin says, "Alright, if you say so. Merry's a doctor! Merry's a doctor!"

12-07-2006, 04:03 PM	#1135
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-inTV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" (Yup... my son would be sharing my chair...)

12-10-2006, 08:37 AM	#1136
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	THE CRICKET Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common? A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman applying sunscreen. Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat. Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman? A. An all-rounder. Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates? A. At least they can say they're not really English. Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick? A. Three runs in three balls. Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name? A. A bowler. Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen? A. The walk back to the pavilion. Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player? A. Because he was born in England. Q. What does "Ashes" stand for? A. Another Sad Horrific English Series. Q. What's the English version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped. Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team? A. The person who ironed the cricket whites. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-10-2006, 08:53 AM	#1137
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	- yes we deserve it Can I at least salvage some national pride by suggesting that those jokes are so cutting they were written by someone English? __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

12-10-2006, 09:47 AM	#1138
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Australian. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-12-2006, 01:31 PM	#1139
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	A Scotsman ties on one too many and starts a merry stumbling walk home. He doesn't get too far before the collection of wee drams takes the better of him, and he stops for a rest in a ditch by the side of the road, and quickly falls into a dreamless slumber under the overhanging tree. Two English ladies on the way home from a visit to drafty castles (landmarks, they call 'em) spy the man on the side of the road and pull the car over. One turns to the other and announces, "This is the perfect opportunity. I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." After a brief inspection, she announces to her companion, "Nothing, just as I suspected. I'll need to leave him something for the invasion of his privacy." With that, she pulls a ribbon from her hair, and ties it around his favored member. Off they go. A few hours later, the gent wakes up, groggy and with a bit of an ache in the empty space between the eyes. First things first, he seeks to empty his bladder agin' the the very tree he found himself sleeping under. Up comes the kilt, and wide goes his eyes at the sight of the blue ribbon adorning the member in his hand. "Well, I don' know wha' you been up to, lad, but at least ya' got firrst place!"

12-12-2006, 02:46 PM	#1140
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Stole this one from "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Yes, I watched it. I do feel dirty, but it was mindless fun, and Jessica Simpson hardly sang at all. ------------------------- What happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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