Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 80

xoxoxoBruce · 01-28-2007, 10:30 AM

20 THINGS MAKE AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA.
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy!

xoxoxoBruce · 01-28-2007, 10:35 AM

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...
Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

xoxoxoBruce · 01-28-2007, 10:41 AM

Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott
"Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside."
"Right Oh" said Prescott.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair.
Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'
"Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

Undertoad · 01-28-2007, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

The way I heard it, it ends "Cool, what kind of bass strings do you use?"

Stress Puppy · 01-29-2007, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ibram

Da-dum tch.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

cowhead · 01-29-2007, 10:07 AM

hmmm..

Q:what do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless

MurMetz · 01-29-2007, 04:41 PM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. the snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

Ibby · 01-29-2007, 09:04 PM

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change it, and four to keep the guitarist from stealing the spotlight.

footfootfoot · 01-29-2007, 09:16 PM

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Cyclefrance · 01-30-2007, 04:29 AM

Not sure if this has been seen before, but....

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link

xoxoxoBruce · 01-30-2007, 05:15 AM

OMG! That's great.....but it's likely to get you arrested.... or worse.

BigV · 01-30-2007, 04:19 PM

Very funny. Also can be saved locally so that you don't need an actual live internet connection to make it happen. Just make the shortcut on the desktop (or wherever) point to the file countdown.swf. Boom.

Damn funny.

Shawnee123 · 01-30-2007, 04:27 PM

cycle, that is hilarious

Mixie · 01-30-2007, 07:26 PM

Hilarious. A friend of mine happens to go to NY for a few days tomorrow, and I told him of this link and how he should use it. *evil snigger* Of course he isn't going to, but still.. imagine the reactions of safety people, of fellow passengers, of stewardesses..

BrianR · 02-01-2007, 10:44 PM

> >> The new supermarket near my house has an
> automatic water mister to
> >> keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
> you hear the sound
> >> of distant thunder and experience the smell of
> fresh rain. Amazing!
> >>
> >> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
> mooing and get the
> >> scent of fresh hay. Wonderful!
> >>
> >> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens
> cluck and cackle and
> >> the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
> bacon and eggs
> >> frying. Mouth-watering!
> >>
> >> The veggie department features the smell of fresh
> buttered corn.
> >> Delicious!
> >>
> >> I don't buy toilet paper there any more....
> >

01-28-2007, 10:30 AM	#1186
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	20 THINGS MAKE AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA. 1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. 16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies. 20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-28-2007, 10:35 AM	#1187
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-28-2007, 10:41 AM	#1188
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England". "Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott "Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside." "Right Oh" said Prescott. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar. "Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair. Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'. Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?' "Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes". __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-29-2007, 10:07 AM	#1191
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	hmmm.. Q:what do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

01-29-2007, 04:41 PM	#1192
MurMetz Eavesdropper Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 24	It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. the snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next. __________________

01-29-2007, 09:04 PM	#1193
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change it, and four to keep the guitarist from stealing the spotlight. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

01-29-2007, 09:16 PM	#1194
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-30-2007, 04:29 AM	#1195
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Not sure if this has been seen before, but.... If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train.... 1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Boot it. 4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

01-30-2007, 05:15 AM	#1196
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	OMG! That's great.....but it's likely to get you arrested.... or worse. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-30-2007, 04:19 PM	#1197
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Very funny. Also can be saved locally so that you don't need an actual live internet connection to make it happen. Just make the shortcut on the desktop (or wherever) point to the file countdown.swf. Boom. Damn funny. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

01-30-2007, 04:27 PM	#1198
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	cycle, that is hilarious __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

01-30-2007, 07:26 PM	#1199
Mixie Nitpicker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Groningen, Netherlands Posts: 25	Hilarious. A friend of mine happens to go to NY for a few days tomorrow, and I told him of this link and how he should use it. evil snigger Of course he isn't going to, but still.. imagine the reactions of safety people, of fellow passengers, of stewardesses.. __________________ I'm about as subtle as a flying brick.

02-01-2007, 10:44 PM	#1200
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	> >> The new supermarket near my house has an > automatic water mister to > >> keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, > you hear the sound > >> of distant thunder and experience the smell of > fresh rain. Amazing! > >> > >> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows > mooing and get the > >> scent of fresh hay. Wonderful! > >> > >> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens > cluck and cackle and > >> the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of > bacon and eggs > >> frying. Mouth-watering! > >> > >> The veggie department features the smell of fresh > buttered corn. > >> Delicious! > >> > >> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.... > > __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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