Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 80

rigcranop · 02-19-2007, 08:40 PM

Don't know if this was posted yet ,
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. "He didn't do any of that shit."

Clodfobble · 02-20-2007, 09:33 PM

The only one I don't get is "DRY = Twelfth Night"

footfootfoot · 02-20-2007, 09:44 PM

I think by the twelfth night you might be pretty dry (if not sore) no matter who the celebrity was...

Cyclefrance · 02-23-2007, 05:17 AM

Hopefully new....

When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at
my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we
had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old
blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big
bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50
year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things." My wife is a very
reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that
I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10 inch black and white TV. Aren't
older women great. They really know how to solve
your mid-life crisis............

Cyclefrance · 02-23-2007, 11:06 AM

Oh, dear, two in one day....

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder
Than his wife .

That's life ladies! You should have stopped when you had the chance!

Sheldonrs · 02-23-2007, 12:12 PM

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually, a Rottweiler will let you go.

Pie · 02-23-2007, 02:07 PM

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"'

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "You're only a budgie!"

To which the budgie replies "Yes, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!"

xoxoxoBruce · 02-28-2007, 10:38 PM

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Undertoad · 03-01-2007, 12:00 PM

Powergenitalia.com
Gotahoe.com
Truckersexpress.com
Fordowners.org
Gasheating.co.uk
Mypenisland.com
Whorepresents.com
Apetit.com
speedofart.com
Nagiosexchange.com
Mywebos.com

A list of domain names passed around and laughed at in godaddy.com's offices.

"nagios" is network monitoring software

dar512 · 03-01-2007, 04:44 PM

March of the what?

Elspode · 03-02-2007, 07:51 PM

Um...that was verging on brilliance.

xoxoxoBruce · 03-03-2007, 03:25 PM

And kudos to Dar's persistence.

monster · 03-09-2008, 10:00 PM

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.

Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

footfootfoot · 03-06-2007, 08:23 PM

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Sundae · 03-07-2007, 06:59 AM

I like this part of the setup...

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

... because it makes it sound like a baby left on a doorstep.

02-20-2007, 09:44 PM	#3
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I think by the twelfth night you might be pretty dry (if not sore) no matter who the celebrity was... __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-23-2007, 05:17 AM	#4
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Hopefully new.... When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis............ __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-23-2007, 11:06 AM	#5
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Oh, dear, two in one day.... A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder Than his wife . That's life ladies! You should have stopped when you had the chance! __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-23-2007, 12:12 PM	#6
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? Eventually, a Rottweiler will let you go. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

02-23-2007, 02:07 PM	#7
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"' The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" "So what," says the burglar, "You're only a budgie!" To which the budgie replies "Yes, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

02-19-2007, 08:40 PM	#1
rigcranop Resident Denizen Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: s. jersey Posts: 62	Don't know if this was posted yet , A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. "He didn't do any of that shit."

02-20-2007, 09:33 PM	#2
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	The only one I don't get is "DRY = Twelfth Night"

02-28-2007, 10:38 PM	#8
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-01-2007, 12:00 PM	#9
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Powergenitalia.com Gotahoe.com Truckersexpress.com Fordowners.org Gasheating.co.uk Mypenisland.com Whorepresents.com Apetit.com speedofart.com Nagiosexchange.com Mywebos.com A list of domain names passed around and laughed at in godaddy.com's offices. "nagios" is network monitoring software

03-01-2007, 04:44 PM	#10
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	March of the what? __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

03-02-2007, 07:51 PM	#11
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Um...that was verging on brilliance. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

03-03-2007, 03:25 PM	#12
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	And kudos to Dar's persistence. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-09-2008, 10:00 PM	#13
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?" When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!" Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?" __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-06-2007, 08:23 PM	#14
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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