Humor...I Need Humor...

[Sundae]

Little Timmy and little Bobby go to visit their Grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a progressive household and their parents let them swear, hoping to get it out of their systems. Grandma accepts this at first, but after a week of solid cursing and swearing she just can't listen to it any more and goes to see her friend Maude to get some advice.

"As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude. "Next time they swear, hit them good and hard and they'll soon make the connection."
"I can't do that!" says the Grandma, shocked at the thought. "They're my grandchildren!"

"Look," says Maude, "It's the only way to teach them things are different at your house."

So Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning, Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "What would you like for breakfast?"

To which Bobby replies, "I'll have some of them fucking cornflakes."

Grandma lashes out with a right hook and knocks Bobby clean off his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked. Next Grandma turns to Timmy. "And what would you like for breakfast?"

Timmy looks at his brother, then back to his grandmother, and says, "I don't know - but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!"

[Madman]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam."

[pourbill]

One of those first warm days of summer two secretaries decide to have lunch at the zoo. After a bit they find themselves fooling around in front of the gorilla cage. One in particular was really teasing the big male, bending over to show as much cleavage as possible and lewdly spreading her legs. To their dismay the gorilla rips apart the bars and is on the little teaser within a heartbeat, brutally ravishing her.

The next day her friend visits her in the hospital. As she approahes her bruised and bandaged friend she asks, "does it hurt?"

"Does it hurt? No candy, no flowers, no phone call."

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by pourbill

One of those first warm days of summer two secretaries decide to have lunch at the zoo. After a bit they find themselves fooling around in front of the gorilla cage. One in particular was really teasing the big male, bending over to show as much cleavage as possible and lewdly spreading her legs. To their dismay the gorilla rips apart the bars and is on the little teaser within a heartbeat, brutally ravishing her.

The next day her friend visits her in the hospital. As she approahes her bruised and bandaged friend she asks, "does it hurt?"

"Does it hurt? No candy, no flowers, no phone call."

I would have just been standing there yelling "Next!"

[luvclowns]

A woman has a 2 week old baby are in the pediatrician's office and after weighing the infant, the doctor says, "This baby hasn't gained enough weight. Is he bottle fed or breast fed?" The woman replies, "Breast fed." The doctor says, "Well, I'm going to have to examine you...please remove your shirt and bra." She does so and the doctor begins to massage her breasts and pinch her nipples. "You don't have any milk!" he says. She replies, "No, I don't....I'm his grandma...but I'm really glad I came today!"

[BrianR]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[BrianR]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

[BrianR]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[BrianR]

Subject: Eight Little Words

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female . . Any part under a car's hood.
Male . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male . . . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female . . A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)! n.
Female . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male . . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[BrianR]

He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants, don't you?

He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[pourbill]

Guy walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes".
This big fellow in a suit whips around and says "Hey, I resent that".
"Yeah, well are you a lawyer?" he's ask.
"No" says the big guy, "I'm an asshole."

[HungLikeJesus]

Some good insults and quotes

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)|

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend...if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won 't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

“I was to f*cking busy, and vice versa.” -Dorothy Parker

[pourbill]

HLJ, those were great. Here are some others though I don't remember the attributions.

"Hello" he lied.

An empty car drove up and ____________ got out.

He showed me his library and books of which he had a complete set.

[Hyoi]

Thibideaux said, "Hey Boudreaux, if I slept with your wife
and got her pregnant, and she had a baby, would that make
us relatives? or what would that make us?"

"Even" said Boudreaux

[Cyclefrance]

This old favourite was recalled at the weekend…


This English guy is recommended by a friend to eat at a special restaurant in an old bull-fighting town in central Spain, and to do so on a Sunday.

So the guy books a table for himself and dutifully turns up. The place is full and he notices one lone diner sitting at a table set on a raised platform. He doesn’t take too much notice of him, though, and sets to ordering his meal.

As the waiter is finishing taking his order the restaurant lights suddenly dim, a spotlight falls on the lone diner, and a red carpet is rolled from the kitchen door to his table. Then six fanfare trumpeters appear and, three each side of the carpet, they sound a rousing flourish on their instruments.

The kitchen doors open and out walk four waiters each supporting a large covered silver salver, one at each corner so to speak. As they slowly traverse the red carpet towards the raised table, the other diners are on their feet shouting: ‘Ole! Ole! Ole’ with every step they take.

The lone diner sets his arms wide, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, waiting enthusiastically. The waiters reach the table and gently set the salver in front of him. As the head waiter’s hand grasps the handle of the cover a hush falls across the restaurant. Then he lifts the cover to reveal two of the largest meatballs you have ever seen. The crowd is now shouting even loader ‘Ole!, Ole!, Ole!’

Eventually the noise subsides and the diner slices into the first meatball with his knife and fork.

‘What was all that about?’ asks the English guy to his waiter, ‘that was amazing!’

‘Ahh,’ says the waiter, ‘it is the tradition of the house. We have the special arrangement with the bullring and we get the criadillas, the testicles, from the prize bull after the final fight of the day. Then they are cooked and ceremoniously served immediately after the bull fight is over, as you have seen, to the diner who has reserved the special table.’

‘That IS amazing!’ says the English guy, ‘I must reserve the table for myself..’

‘Sadly, senor, there is a long wait, and I will not be able to let you have a table for several weeks…’

The guy is not to be put off however, and he books a table some 3 months away.

All the time he is looking forward to his meal and eventually the day arrives. He enters the restaurant, and he takes his place on the raised table. All eyes are upon him. After about ten minutes the ceremony starts. The lights dim, the spotlight falls upon him, the trumpeters sound their fanfare and the waiters enter with the large salver. ‘Ole! Ole! Ole!’ scream the other diners. The guy’s heart is pounding as the salver is placed upon the table, and then the head waiter lifts the cover to reveal… two extremely small meatballs.

‘Hey, what’s this?’ shouts the perplexed Englishman ‘I didn’t order these,. I ordered two bull’s testicles, not these tiny things. What’s going on?’

‘Aahh, senor’ says the waiter, ‘You see… you have to appreciate… sometimes… the bull… he wins!’