Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 86

BigV · 05-21-2007, 05:42 PM

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

One of them says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey! McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

BrianR · 05-21-2007, 05:55 PM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
male stripper at a gay nightclub. "The three friends said: "What a shame...
what a disappointment.

"The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And, he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

BigV · 05-21-2007, 05:56 PM

An American purchases and moves into a very remote farmhouse in the Shetland Islands. One, two, three months go by and he sees no one. Finally, there's a knock on the door. When the American answers it, he sees a wild-looking bear of a man practically filling the door frame, rough wool sweater, rough full beard and a rough accent.

"I'm here to invite ye t' a paaarty."

"Well! That's very nice of you, I'd love to come to a party."

"But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Shetland paarty. There will be wild Shetland dancing."

"I'm light on my feet; when I was in college I enjoyed going to all the dances."

"There's goin' t' be a fight. There's aaalllways a fight."

"I can hold my own; in the army I was boxing champion of the whole battalion."

"There'll be sex afterward. Wild Shetland sex."

"I haven't seen anyone in three months; I'm looking forward to a little female companionship."

"Well, all right then. It's settled."

"It's settled. What should I wear?"

"Just come as ye are--it's only goin' t' be you and me."

Cyclefrance · 05-22-2007, 04:22 AM

Another golden oldie...

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

++++

Aliantha · 05-29-2007, 03:00 AM

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

Bob.

Phil · 05-29-2007, 05:58 AM

why dont black people dream?

coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated.

Aliantha · 05-29-2007, 07:03 AM

OK...I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud when I read that one.

I'm going to have to do pennance now.

HungLikeJesus · 05-30-2007, 01:22 PM

It's an ad, but still amusing.

nitro1364 · 05-30-2007, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil

why dont black people dream?

coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated.

am i going straight to hell for laughing at that?

Phil · 05-30-2007, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

OK...I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud when I read that one.

I'm going to have to do pennance now.

as an ordained minister in the church of life .... you are forgiven.

Phil · 05-30-2007, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nitro1364

am i going straight to hell for laughing at that?

i wrote it .... you only read it.

nitro1364 · 05-30-2007, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil

i wrote it .... you only read it.

well yeah

you're screwed

Phil · 05-30-2007, 04:36 PM

A Buddhist went to a Pizza-Hut. When asked by the waiter what he wanted, he smiled and said "Make me one with everything!"

xoxoxoBruce · 05-30-2007, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil

i wrote it .... you only read it.

Anyone that didn't find the humour in that, has a serious problem. If they thought it was funny, but were embassed they did, gotta lighten up.

smurfalicious · 05-31-2007, 09:18 AM

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

05-21-2007, 05:42 PM	#1276
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? One of them says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey! McCloud, get off of my ewe!" __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

05-21-2007, 05:55 PM	#1277
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a male stripper at a gay nightclub. "The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment. "The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And, he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!! __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-21-2007, 05:56 PM	#1278
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	An American purchases and moves into a very remote farmhouse in the Shetland Islands. One, two, three months go by and he sees no one. Finally, there's a knock on the door. When the American answers it, he sees a wild-looking bear of a man practically filling the door frame, rough wool sweater, rough full beard and a rough accent. "I'm here to invite ye t' a paaarty." "Well! That's very nice of you, I'd love to come to a party." "But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Shetland paarty. There will be wild Shetland dancing." "I'm light on my feet; when I was in college I enjoyed going to all the dances." "There's goin' t' be a fight. There's aaalllways a fight." "I can hold my own; in the army I was boxing champion of the whole battalion." "There'll be sex afterward. Wild Shetland sex." "I haven't seen anyone in three months; I'm looking forward to a little female companionship." "Well, all right then. It's settled." "It's settled. What should I wear?" "Just come as ye are--it's only goin' t' be you and me." __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

05-22-2007, 04:22 AM	#1279
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Another golden oldie... I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?" ++++ __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

05-29-2007, 03:00 AM	#1280
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires? Bob. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-29-2007, 05:58 AM	#1281
Phil Hoodoo Guru Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 304	why dont black people dream? coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated. __________________ Atheist n A person to be pitied in that he is unable to believe things for which there is no evidence, and who has thus deprived himself of a convenient means of feeling superior to others.

05-29-2007, 07:03 AM	#1282
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	OK...I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud when I read that one. I'm going to have to do pennance now. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-30-2007, 01:22 PM	#1283
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	It's an ad, but still amusing. Attached Images __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

05-30-2007, 04:36 PM	#1288
Phil Hoodoo Guru Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 304	A Buddhist went to a Pizza-Hut. When asked by the waiter what he wanted, he smiled and said "Make me one with everything!" __________________ Atheist n A person to be pitied in that he is unable to believe things for which there is no evidence, and who has thus deprived himself of a convenient means of feeling superior to others.

05-31-2007, 09:18 AM	#1290
smurfalicious Tool. Not the band - you are one. Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: 501 Northlake Blvd., North Palm Beach FL Posts: 329	An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast. __________________

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