There's lumberthing I want to tell you

[Sundae]

It's so sad.
But it's a chapter closed and something that had to be done.

At least your children will never question why Dad wasn't interested in them or didn't want to be a part of their lives. That's so sadly often the outcome of divorce and separation. Being able to stay a part of the children's lives is something you seem to be managing well.

[footfootfoot]

Now I know why I've been procrastinating on my divorce. I'm not even sure of my long term plans. Everything is completely gnarled up.

Congratulations, though, Jim. I'm really glad to hear it had turned out so well, all things considered. Just don't ever remarry.

[Sundae]

I didn't contest my divorce and it went through purely on paper.
No children and my name wasn't on the mortgage, even though I paid it.
I left him, and the legal side of things was painless, but I still cried when it went through.

And I kept his name. Because I will never marry again, and it's a good reminder.
That and it's a nicer signature.

[lumberjim]

I find myself to be oddly ambivalent about the whole thing.

I guess it is life as usual really, so that makes sense if I think of it that way.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You've moved on, the legal system, dragging it's feet as usual, is just catching up.

[lumberjim]

Money can buy you happiness. Last week I bought a snow blower. Used for $350. Today I was very happy that I did.

[footfootfoot]

So I delivered my proposal for a 3-2-2-3 (i.e. 50/50) parenting schedule, formerly known as custody.

Not surprisingly, it didn't go over well with the control junkie. I'm now steeling myself for what will probably involve lawyers, guns, and money...

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Money can buy you happiness.

Money can't buy happiness. But, it can buy happierness.

~Gravdigr

[xoxoxoBruce]

.

[BigV]

good luck to you Jim, and to your kids, and to jinx.

this is an important milestone.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

So I delivered my proposal for a 3-2-2-3 (i.e. 50/50) parenting schedule, formerly known as custody.

Not surprisingly, it didn't go over well with the control junkie. I'm now steeling myself for what will probably involve lawyers, guns, and money...

BT,DT;GTTS.

I, too, decided that a 50/50 parenting schedule was in the best interests of SonofV (our only minor child at the time of the divorce). He loves his mother, and that is right and good and I encourage that. 50/50 let him spend time with her, though I would have been happy for an unbalanced schedule with more time with me. Regardless...


My point here is twofold:

1 -- The whole divorce was a big fucking deal in my life, and it impacted me in many ways, including my ability to think straight from time to time. When I could tell that shit was getting bad, it was EXTREMELY HELPFUL for me to keep in mind this test: Was the decision I was making *in the best interest of SonofV?* My interactions with her ran the gamut; they were not consistently or even reliably good. So when something like the residential schedule came up, my emotions might lobby (loudly) for one plan, but that might not be in SonofV's best interest, like spending time with his mom.

This is **MY** choice, my priority, you will, of course, choose your own priorities, though I know you love your children as I love mine. Having this kind of test was really helpful in guiding my interactions with her.

2 -- Keeping in mind this prime directive, and trying to figure out a suitable 50/50 schedule that jigsawed (dovetails are too simple) with the rest of my life, I worked through many, many different schedules, including that one. We tried a few different ones too. Here's the most important thing I learned: SonofV loves his mom and likes spending time with her. He loves me too and likes spending time with me. But there's a biiiig difference in our households, unsurprisingly. The transition from one to the other (and back, and forth, and back...) was ... sometimes jarring. The transitions were always (and continue to be) the most reliable (that's not the right word... dammit...) the time that was most consistently stressful for him. Both in the anticipation for the move/swap/handoff/... and in the decompression when he landed here for his next "shift" with me. Really.

Changing, the unavoidable, necessary changes he had to make when transitioning from one home to the other has a cost. Once he was here awhile, hours sometimes, everything was cool. And in the other direction, I could often see him spinning up, getting less relaxed as the hour of the transfer approached.

Well, long story long, it was these transitions that were the major points of stress for him **that I could control**. By that I mean I could have an impact on the quantity of them. 3-2-2-3-2-2- is two weeks, with SIX swaps. But 7-7- is two weeks with only TWO swaps. And the same amount of time with each parent. This represented a big reduction in the amount of stress he had to face, and a big improvement for his quality of life. My schedule was kind of weird with it; some weekdays were open, some were booked, etc. And SonofV was old enough to be a latchkey kid, so there was some simplification to be had there. In the end, it worked out (as well as could be expected; given that she still isn't speaking to me).

So, second point is, I think 3-2-2 is "neat" but will have a lot of unnecessary transitions, and that those transitions are hardest on the kids.

That's my experience, I hope you and yours can do as well or better.

[Griff]

Good luck footie.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by BigV

By that I mean I could have an impact on the quantity of them. 3-2-2-3-2-2- is two weeks, with SIX swaps. But 7-7- is two weeks with only TWO swaps. And the same amount of time with each parent. This represented a big reduction in the amount of stress he had to face, and a big improvement for his quality of life.

That's an interesting point.

[footfootfoot]

Transitions are always an issue, the flip side is 7 days is too long for a six year old to be away from either parent and vice versa. Transition stress can be minimized by the adults getting the kids’ shit in one sock before the transition, having a checklist and a routine makes the transitions more predictable. There is evidence that more transitions can lead to mix ups, but the way things are now is very chaotic. Chaos is something that she craves and creates.
My neurotic tendencies tend to have a greater affect on me with those around me being indirectly influenced. Hers have an effect more like a Claymore mine.

Neither is ideal, in my opinion the less time they spend with her the better for them psychologically in the long run because she is cray-cray.

I've mentioned before her family history of "pissing on your shoes and telling you it's raining", well, apparently there is a term for that:
Double Binds:

Another example is when one is commanded to "be spontaneous". The very command contradicts spontaneity, but it only becomes a double bind when one can neither ignore the command nor comment on the contradiction. Often, the contradiction in communication isn't apparent to bystanders unfamiliar with previous communications.

The funny thing about that quote from the article is that is exactly what our friends used to tease her about, they'd say, "Hey Mrs. Foot, why don't you plan to be spontaneous this week." And she would, missing the joke entirely.

[BigV]

You are right on the money on all counts.

You're clearly thinking about their best interests, and you sound well prepared for the difficulties the transitions represent. You're all gonna be fine.

I especially love your recognition of the specific elements of the whole situation. You're skilled at meta-communication and you and your fractions benefit thereby. Great article, btw. "... also known as crazy making".

No shit.