Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 93

Macfadyin · 08-29-2007, 07:35 PM

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out.

Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Macfadyin · 08-29-2007, 07:44 PM

I got my wife a bag and belt for her birthday...........

The Hoover works fine now.

Macfadyin · 08-30-2007, 12:41 PM

A pretty young woman is on a plane back to the U.K. from Malaga after two weeks holiday.
"Finally together again," she sighed.
"Sorry, were you talking to me?" said the man in the next seat.
"No, to my legs."

BrianR · 08-30-2007, 07:23 PM

Careful of new scam

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items
into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Reminded
me of a scene right out of Cool Hand Luke.

It is impossible not to look and go into trance.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on
the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other ...

Then one of them turns to you to perform the nasty with you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 11th, 13th, twice on the 15th, on the
17th, 20th, August 3rd, 7th, 16th, two times just yesterday, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some
more wallets.

Just a friendly warning.

skysidhe · 09-02-2007, 03:52 PM

ok I find this so fricken funny. This guy visited my page on stumbleupon. This is too weird to be anything but a coincidence.

The guys name is jimbofromflint.

Now this isn't our jim and flint is it!? too funny!

http://jimbofromflint.stumbleupon.com/about/

If that link stops working I got a nice screen capture right before I banned his ass.

monster · 09-02-2007, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

ok I find this so fricken funny. This guy visited my page on stumbleupon. This is too weird to be anything but a coincidence.

The guys name is jimbofromflint.

Now this isn't our jim and flint is it!? too funny!

http://jimbofromflint.stumbleupon.com/about/

If that link stops working I got a nice screen capture right before I banned his ass.

Why is it "too weird to be anything but a coincidence"?

Flint is a real place. It's quite a big city. It has an international airport and everything. Jimbo is quite a common nickname for people called Jim. What's the betting there are more than two people called Jameswho live in Flint and who know about "Stumbleupon"?

That post doesn't sound anything like either lj or Flint.

Why d'you ban him? isn't the purpose of ther site to find other people's sites?

skysidhe · 09-02-2007, 10:33 PM

why are you being defensive? This is the internet. Don't make an issue where there is none.

monster · 09-03-2007, 01:21 AM

right.

Bullitt · 09-03-2007, 02:42 AM

Completely and shamelessly stolen from the new-ish Dukes of Hazzard movie.
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

BrianR · 09-03-2007, 09:38 AM

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

jester · 09-04-2007, 01:33 PM

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's pampered poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffled, turned up her nose and then said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is obviously using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was occupied that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm VERY tired."

She snorted again, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also uncouth and arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked and screamed to the rest of the mostly male passengers, "Someone must defend my honor! This vile American should be put in his place!"

An older English gentleman sitting nearby sighed and then spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for simply always doing the wrong thing!! You hold the dining fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. .....And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!

jester · 09-04-2007, 01:34 PM

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother
was Jewish and his father was black.

So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same
question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and just steal the fuckin' thing."

Radar · 09-04-2007, 04:30 PM

Brian, that one tickled me. Very nice.

BrianR · 09-05-2007, 02:16 AM

My job is done here!

Cyclefrance · 09-06-2007, 10:57 AM

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

08-29-2007, 07:35 PM	#1381
Macfadyin Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	Warning for women Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them. This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

08-30-2007, 07:23 PM	#1384
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Careful of new scam Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Reminded me of a scene right out of Cool Hand Luke. It is impossible not to look and go into trance. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap. On the way, they start kissing each other ... Then one of them turns to you to perform the nasty with you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen July 11th, 13th, twice on the 15th, on the 17th, 20th, August 3rd, 7th, 16th, two times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets. Just a friendly warning. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-02-2007, 03:52 PM	#1385
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	ok I find this so fricken funny. This guy visited my page on stumbleupon. This is too weird to be anything but a coincidence. The guys name is jimbofromflint. Now this isn't our jim and flint is it!? too funny! http://jimbofromflint.stumbleupon.com/about/ If that link stops working I got a nice screen capture right before I banned his ass. Last edited by skysidhe; 09-02-2007 at 05:09 PM. Reason: correction

09-03-2007, 01:21 AM	#1388
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	right. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-03-2007, 02:42 AM	#1389
Bullitt This is a fully functional babe lair Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Akron, OH Posts: 2,324	Completely and shamelessly stolen from the new-ish Dukes of Hazzard movie. What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye. __________________ Kiss my white Irish ass.

08-29-2007, 07:44 PM	#1382
Macfadyin Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	I got my wife a bag and belt for her birthday........... The Hoover works fine now.

08-30-2007, 12:41 PM	#1383
Macfadyin Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	A pretty young woman is on a plane back to the U.K. from Malaga after two weeks holiday. "Finally together again," she sighed. "Sorry, were you talking to me?" said the man in the next seat. "No, to my legs."

09-02-2007, 10:33 PM	#1387
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	why are you being defensive? This is the internet. Don't make an issue where there is none.

09-03-2007, 09:38 AM	#1390
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Premature Ejaculation A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-04-2007, 01:33 PM	#1391
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's pampered poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffled, turned up her nose and then said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is obviously using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was occupied that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm VERY tired." She snorted again, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also uncouth and arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked and screamed to the rest of the mostly male passengers, "Someone must defend my honor! This vile American should be put in his place!" An older English gentleman sitting nearby sighed and then spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for simply always doing the wrong thing!! You hold the dining fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. .....And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!

09-04-2007, 01:34 PM	#1392
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and just steal the fuckin' thing."

09-04-2007, 04:30 PM	#1393
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Brian, that one tickled me. Very nice. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

09-05-2007, 02:16 AM	#1394
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	My job is done here!

09-06-2007, 10:57 AM	#1395
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

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