Humor...I Need Humor...

[skysidhe]

HLJ

I saw this photo while stumbling. They are random so I don't know the person whom the photo link is attached but I thought it was a hoot too!

It would be a great one for Halloween. Maybe some lights and a recording of grunts and groans :P

[dar512]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

Emphasis mine.

The homicidal pumpkin post did not include any verbiage like: "actual homicidal pumpkin" in it.

Besides, I agreed it was funny. Whaddaya want?

[jester]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and
saw Daddy and Aunt Joy in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Joy I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Joy a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Joy helped Daddy take his pants off, then AuntJoy......." At this point Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Joy. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Joy a big kiss, then he helped her take off
her shirt. Then Aunt Joy helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Joy and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!

[skysidhe]

[jester]

Why the groom isn't allowed to purchase the cake.

[BrianR]

One day, while in line at the company cafeteria, Joe
> says to Mike behind
> him,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I'd better see a
> doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money," Mike replies."There' s
> a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it
> a urine sample and the
> computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
> about it.It takes ten
> seconds and costs only ten dollars. A lot cheaper
> than seeing a doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
> takes it to Wal-Mart. He
> deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
> asks for the urine
> sample. He pours the sample into the receptacle and
> waits. Ten seconds later, the
> computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
> and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you
> for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe began
> wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed
> some tap water, a stool
> sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
> daughter, and a sperm
> sample from himself for good measure.
>
> Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
> results. He deposits ten
> dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results. The computer prints
> the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
> softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog
> has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> (Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
> rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
> Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never get
> better!
>
> Thank YOU FOR SHOPPING AT WAL-MART

[xoxoxoBruce]

August 31th :
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f#*kin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?


November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid f#*kin place.

November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f#*kin throttle him. F#*kin heat!
By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f#*kin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f#*kin arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f#*kin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f#*kin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f#*kin sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the pool.
Even the palms can't live in this f#*kin heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f#*ker. F#*k
Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented f#*kin idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer????
You are f#*kin kiddin

[jester]

He's A Goner ~
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly.

In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

* He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

* At 70 off came the pants.

* At 75 it was her bra...and

* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him fr ee but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[Pie]

D'oh!

[Sundae]

That is creepy beyond words
Except these of course

reminds me of Coraline

[jester]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

[HungLikeJesus]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE...

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the
Roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Sundae]

I like that game!
May have to play it tomorrow night (we are having a dinner party, how grown up)

My submission:
My love for you endures through the sweet and the bitter
Because you let me take you up the shitter

[HungLikeJesus]

This could be a new thread.