Just getting more and more angry lately.

[footfootfoot]

I'm really getting angrier and angrier at the holy christ how long is this going to take to finally be official? ex.

Not so much for her recent behavior, though her existence seems like she's rubbing my face in it. I can't even get started. Maybe it isn't rational. I just spent the past fifteen minutes looking through threads I'd started in /relationships/ to help remind me of how much agita I put up with. If any of you can think of a golden post of mine that illustrates what a fucking fucking fuck that relationship was feel free to link it here. I've already culled threads started by me in /relationships/ and if I had more time I'd hunt among the 15k posts for more. Shit, I forgot about nutkin. I'll have to see what he posted. Probably a lot.

My BP is spiking just thinking about shit right now.

It's fucking maddening. My long term game plan is to have the revenge of living well, but right now I'm just boiling.

Thanks for reading

[footfootfoot]

The good news is I've gotten a lot done on my house.

[Nirvana]

[BigV]

just thinking out loud here...

you're my friend and I feel bad for you man. being angry can, sometimes, be a productive, rational response. I don't know your circumstances just now exactly, but it doesn't really sound like this is the useful anger...

I've been down a very similar road. I'm ahead of you in that regard. Man, let me tell you this, it does get better (cliche'). But it's true. My experience with feelings like this, man, it was horrible. I fucking hated it. I used to be all

"Gunface"
Rolling Stones

Gonna go downtown
Gonna get my gun
Gonna dress real sharp
Gonna beat my drum
I ain't gonna lie
Gonna walk so slow
Gonna talk just right
And my diamond ring
Gonna shine so bright
I ain't gonna lie
I've got a debt to repay
I ain't gonna cry
I put a gun in your face
You'll pay with your life
And I got my ears
And I got my eyes
And I got my narks
And my alibis
I won't waste your time
You made one false move
You made one mistake
When the juice is squeezed
That's the way it breaks
You'll pay for your crime
Your tongue lickin' way out of place
I'll rip it out
I'll stick a gun in your face
You'll pay with your life
I taught her everything
I taught her how to dream
I taught her everything
I'm gonna teach her how to scream
I taught her all she knows
I taught her how to lie
I taught her everything
I'm gonna teach her how to cry
And you cause me hurt
And you cause me pain
And you turned the tap
On my burning rage
And I can't put it out
Gonna leave no sign
Gonna leave no trace
Gonna leave this town
In a state of grace
Give me the power
I got a debt to repay
I ain't gonna lie
I put a gun in your face
You'll pay for the crime
I taught her everything
I taught her how to speak
I taught her all she knows
I taught her how to eat
I half invented her
And now she acts so chic
I taught her everything
But now she's obselete
I taught her everything
How to read and write
I taught her all she knows
She was a neophyte
I taught her everything
I loved to watch her grow
I taught her everything
And now I want to see her go
I taught her everything
I got a debt to repay
I ain't gonna cry
I'll put a gun in your face
You're playing with your life
I taught her everything
I taught her how to cheat
I taught her all she knows
She was so indiscreet
I taught her everything
I taught her how to lie
I taught her everything
I'm gonna teach her how to cry

This is my song now.

ROBERT CRAY
"Laugh Out Loud"

I can look back now at all the years
I paid my dues
Every broken heart, every dead end
All those blues

It don't matter now
The tears I've waded through [?]
I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

I can laugh out loud
At all the times I failed the test
Lost someone
And came out second best

I can see now
I had to learn a thing or two
I was practicing then
To get it right for you

Ohh, I can laugh out loud

Life and love
Ain't it a mystery

This road I've struggled down
Has thrown some curves at me

Who would have guessed
The grand-prize would be mine?

This late in the game
This far down the line?

I can look back now at all the years
I paid my dues
Every broken heart, every dead-end
All those blues

It don't matter now
The tears I've waded through

Ohh, I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

Ohh, I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

I can laugh out loud
I ended up with you

... shit, lunch break's over. back later man. hang in there.

[Clodfobble]

Anger's good sometimes. Gotta sort out what and how it happened so it doesn't happen again. You know you're on the path you need to be on, just keep on keepin' on.

[glatt]

Not to add to the anger, but the first inkling that things weren't all rosy in footfootfoot land was that "to do" list she left you and you posted about years ago. Bullet points and all.

[DanaC]

I remember that.

[Griff]

That was an early notification of crazy. I'm glad angry carpentry is an option but you know better than most how to process this.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

snip--

If any of you can think of a golden post of mine that illustrates what a fucking fucking fuck that relationship was feel free to link it here. --snip

Here's a thread with posts by you. Your friends posted here too. Oct 2012 and into Jan 2013. That seems like an early discussion. There's plenty there that reveals serious fuckery.

[lumberjim]

It gets SO much better once it's over. It's worth the pain.

When you're going through hell, KEEP GOING>>>>

[footfootfoot]

I can almost taste it. I did have a recent realization of "Oh yeah, you are not only not the boss of me, you also don't have any say in what I do or don't do."

We had a go-around about Boy Scouts and the inch. She for and me against, her with all her specious reasoning. I just told her, fine you want him to do boy scouts you be a volunteer and keep track of everything. You don't get to decide how I'll spend time with my son.

No response from my email which I let cool down for a couple of days and made it less contentious. Just stuck to the facts.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

You don't get to decide how I'll spend time with my son.

Damn straight.

[orthodoc]

If Scouts means that much to her, she should do it with the inch. You're right to call her on it.

No one but you has the right to choose how you'll spend time with your son.

[classicman]

Been there, done that as well. Jim & V are correct. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other & the other other...

Seriously - you were with her a loooong time. She knows just where & how to push every button you have. DON'T LET HER.

Maybe this will make you feel a little bit better ...
My ex got married 6 months after our divorce was final to a guy she met in AA. She just divorced him last summer & is now getting remarried next year on ... MY BIRTHDAY.
Wtfff?? Is it me or is that really creepy?

[footfootfoot]

Not you. Totes creepy.

I've been reading up on narcissism (so much so that I can spell it) and narcissistic abuse and PTSD from same.

reddit has some subreddits on it and as I've read through them I've been reminded of just how crazy the ex is. I do worry for the kids somewhat, not that she would directly be abusive to them (as far as I can tell) but the things she indirectly models for them. E.g. my son goes into my room and takes down my black out curtains and opens the regular curtains in my room- exactly the kind of "did I ask you to do that?" type shit that his mother does. I spoke to him and he's stopped, but the boundary problems are already evident. His mom and Oma are professional no-boundary having or respecting type peeps.

Lately I've been vacillating between being annoyed, envious, jealous, and angry about her having a boyfriend and getting laid while it's been at least 4 years for me, maybe five, and that was a perfunctory, unenthusiastic favor that she begrudgingly submitted to. Then I realize that the poor bastard has no idea what he's signed up for. Re-reading that post of mine about her assessment of our crumbling marriage being caused by my lack of worshiping her brought me back to just how deluded she is and how averse to accepting responsibility for anything she is.

A friend was recently asking me what I thought I might have done to contribute to the problems with the marriage and I said I felt it all came down to me not setting clear boundaries from the beginning and not standing my ground and or ending it right away. I tend(ed) to be too accommodating and giving her the benefit of the doubt. At first I felt it sounded like I was avoiding any real part in the problem, but the more I recognized and admitted how emotionally and mentally abusive she was, the more I felt like that question was tantamount to asking a battered woman what her contribution to getting her ass kicked was. You know, it is possible in some cases that it doesn't take two to tango. Or maybe my ever changing interests and hobbies might trigger her abandonment issues, but unlike the abuse leveled directly at me, my hobbies or interests were not in any way attacks on her.

So, definitely some PTSD going on here, I feel my sense of who I am and my worth and self image have taken a huge beating and I see the road back is going to be a long one. I've got a great therapist, my meds are working great and I'm putting mice elf first, but I still feel the rage and grief coming and going though I know, intellectually, that it won't be like this forever.

I still wonder though what sort of permanent damage has been done. I am pretty spooked at the idea of entering into another relationship; I don't trust my perceptions at all, and I'm pretty scared of unwittingly falling into the same trap.

You guys have been really wonderful over the years, supportive, accepting, inspirational and entertaining, so thanks for the eyes and ears. You are all the diggity peachy bomb.