Unreasonably up and down

[orthodoc]

I don't know if it's me or the cancer. I can't seem to find a balance.

I spend part of the time so positively - I've had some great exam results and general evals lately, I love the material I'm learning, I want to really master this stuff.

Then my energy crashes and dies, I go back to my apartment, and I can't concentrate ... I learn of online friends who are losing the battle with this disease one by one. I can't concentrate, I try to write term papers and prep for class, and my brain's not quite working.

I don't sleep, even with meds. I wake in the night with my feet burning and aching like I've been beaten on my soles with sticks. My hands burn until I want to scream. It's the legacy that Taxotere leaves, nothing to be done. But it keeps me up until dawn.

During the day I'm on top of my game, doing well, helping patients. Everyone thinks I'm back to normal, cancer's beaten, all is good. It's what I want to think, too, but I'm not really okay. I don't know if I can get the papers and projects and exams all done. My brain is sometimes good and sometimes not quite on its game. I don't know if I can cope with not getting everything back after chemo.

Nights are not good. I have to finish my academics in the next three weeks one way or another; probably pull quite a few all-nighters. It's better than waking up with neuropathy and the pain in my right chest and armpit that never goes away. I think something's there, but my onco insists I'm fine. I think I'm playing a waiting game.

Doing well by my patients is the most important thing. Just having difficult nights and a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.