Parenting and teenage relationships

[OnyxCougar]

This is going to be kinda long, because it has background.

I have a 17 year old male childling. This is the one we gave to the ex's aunt and uncle to raise and went to Oregon to pick him up and he's blind in one eye. That one.

I've tried to be an open, honest parent, and we have been able to talk about pretty much everything since he's been old enough to ask questions, and I've been proud of that. Up to this point we'd had a running bet that he wouldn't get married before age 30. If he did, he'd pay me $100 on his wedding day, and after age thirty, I'd pay him. "I'm not getting married OR having children," he said on more than ten occasions. "No freaking way. I like money too much." I made my bet and smiled. "Of course, son."

So he's in ROTC this semester, and went on a multi-school ROTC competition in Virginia. My kids' school shared a bus with another school in town and on the way home from the trip, my son shared a seat with a girl from the other school. He came home talking about her, and put her picture on his desktop and started calling her all the time. (We'll call her .... Marcia.)

Marcia this, Marcia that. Marcia outranks me by 9 times in ROTC. Marcia is a tomboy. Marcia likes astrology. Marcia isn't real big on the computer thing. Marcia thinks WoW is dumb, so I'm not going to play any more.

He asks if he can invite her over for dinner. (He's planning on being a big time chef and he wanted to impress her with his talent.) After speaking with her step-mom, they brought her over, and since I promised there would be an adult present the whole time, we took her grocery shopping with us, then son made dinner, then they watched a DVD she brought over, then we took her home.

She seems smart, has a reasonably advanced vocabulary, writes poetry and stories, has a nice little body, and was sitting very close to Son while the DVD watching was going on. And my younger kids liked her, which is a plus. (And, she's um...well, to be frank, stacked. He insists that's not why he likes her tho. Yeah, right.)

A few days later, I find out she's dating another guy. Alex. I was not happy with that, because over the instant messenger they've been discussing "kid's names" and "colors for the wedding" and such. She was thinking about breaking up with Alex, but she'd only been with Justin twice, and wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him or not, so wanted to wait for the ROTC ball, where both of them (Son and Alex) would be. I wasn't happy with this either, but he told me he wanted to do this. OK.

The following week was the ROTC ball. I had to pay $30 for him and "a guest" to go 5 weeks prior to the event. He took some little strumpet that was flashing her titties at the cadets on the bus to Virginia, and Marcia took Alex.

He was pretty silent regarding the ball. He said he danced with about 6 different girls and even a couple of the guys in his ROTC unit. (He got a pic, it was pretty funny.) The next day he went to her house and hung out, and was pretty quiet about that too.

Two days later, we're BSing and he says she wants to name their baby Seth Lucien, and I raise an eyebrow and ask if she's left Alex yet. No. I tell him that at this point, she's playing both him and Alex, and she shouldn't even be discussing that, since they aren't even having sex yet (and added they better not for a loooong time). He doesn't understand why talking about naming babies means she's playing him. I told him that if she's even thinking down that path, she should be with Alex, even if she doesn't go out with him. He said he had been talking to his grandmother about Marcia, and she says to "wait and see what happens."

I said, "well, at least don't make the same mistakes I did" (getting pregnant at 16). He replied, "Don't worry, I'm not as dumb as you are."

It...knocked the wind out of me. My first impulse was to grab him by the neck and twist in such a way that I'd hear the satisfying crunch right before I dropped his twitching ass to the floor.

My second impulse was to reach out and open hand slap him in the mouth with as much force as my nearly 300 pound frame could muster.

I finally decided to get up and walked away before I had anymore impulses.

My husband didn't hear the remark, (which is a lucky thing) and I told him about it later. He said He'd "have a little talk" with him about respect the following day.

Next day I'm at work and he IM's me about 30 minutes after my husband gets home, and apologises for the remark. We got into it again about Marcia, and he says he doesn't care if she's playing him. I told him *I* care. He said that this is why he didn't want to talk to me about her, because I would "wig out" and he likes me in "cool mom" mode, not "bitchy mom" mode.

It came out that Marcia had decided that she is going to stay with Alex until the end of the school year, then break up with him, and date my son over the summer and they could see each other every day.

Oh, but no.

I explained 15 different ways why this is not a good thing and he wasn't hearing me. Finally, I got home and I briefed the husband on the situation and we went in there as a unified front.

I told him that he will not be over to her house unless it's with a group of people (like a birthday party or something) and she will not be coming over to our house on her own, either. If she refuses to dump Alex and be with him, then they will not continue to act as if they are dating.

He made all sorts of arguments, like "You have to let me make my mistakes" and "You're trying to make her decision for her." I told him, no, if she wants to wait until the end of the year to dump Alex, that's cool, but in the meantime, they will not be acting like they are dating. I told him if he won't stand up and have respect for himself (and for Alex, who I feel bad for) then I will.

So now I'm the terrible, butting in, "ruining my life" mom.

Suggestions?