Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 180

robsterman1 · 04-28-2009, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Sort of a Shaw Wood Forest, huh?

Now THAT's quite an image!

Nirvana · 04-30-2009, 06:33 PM

Cocktail Conversation
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?"

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Nirvana · 04-30-2009, 06:54 PM

*

xoxoxoBruce · 05-01-2009, 02:58 AM

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. .

"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds "till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?" I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick..."

Nirvana · 05-01-2009, 11:27 AM

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could
offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered
to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his
eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and
meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

anonymous · 05-05-2009, 09:08 PM

Make me feel like a REAL woman!

Ok, here. Iron my shirt.

classicman · 05-07-2009, 09:51 PM

Italian Arithmetic

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he gives him a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Oh, Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gotta no brain? Stronzo! Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere yo u go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Mamma Mia you freakin Blinda! Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start

Pie · 05-07-2009, 10:00 PM

Awesome!

Pie · 05-07-2009, 10:01 PM

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Madman · 05-08-2009, 01:57 PM

Clean my house?

Sheeee-it... What a dumb joke.

I would've done it for $10.

Trilby · 05-08-2009, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madman

Clean my house?

Sheeee-it...would've done it for $10.

C'mon over!

Madman · 05-08-2009, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madman

Clean my house?

Sheeee-it... What a dumb joke.

I would've done it for $10.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

C'mon over!

Can I bring my brother?

Sheldonrs · 05-08-2009, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madman

Can I bring my brother?

Please do!

Gravdigr · 05-08-2009, 03:29 PM

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Whew, it's hotter than hell in here." The other muffin said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

BrianR · 05-10-2009, 01:15 PM

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

04-30-2009, 06:33 PM	#2687
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Cocktail Conversation A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-30-2009, 06:54 PM	#2688
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	NSFW Carttoon * Attached Images __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-01-2009, 02:58 AM	#2689
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. . "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good." I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds "till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..." "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!! She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?" I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick..." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-01-2009, 11:27 AM	#2690
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-07-2009, 09:51 PM	#2692
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Italian Arithmetic An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he gives him a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Oh, Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you gotta no brain? Stronzo! Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere yo u go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Mamma Mia you freakin Blinda! Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-05-2009, 09:08 PM	#2691
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	Make me feel like a REAL woman! Ok, here. Iron my shirt.

05-07-2009, 10:00 PM	#2693
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Awesome! __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

05-07-2009, 10:01 PM	#2694
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

05-08-2009, 01:57 PM	#2695
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Clean my house? Sheeee-it... What a dumb joke. I would've done it for $10.

05-08-2009, 03:29 PM	#2699
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Whew, it's hotter than hell in here." The other muffin said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-10-2009, 01:15 PM	#2700
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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