Ascension of Christ

Why would she disagree? I don't disagree, and me and DanaC share the same viewpoint on lots of things - not to speak for her or anything, but I'll be curious what she says if she replies to your post.

I think pedophiles are pretty sick people, but here's a little story about one - can't remember if I told it here or not, forgive me if I'm repeating myself. I was in this group therapy thing to try to work out some issues I had at the time, and one of the members of the group was a pedophile. I was really disgusted by him at first, and even considered quitting the group because of him until one day he told us all his story. He had attempted suicide because he hated what he was so much and had failed. He was about 30 and was doing everything in his power to change, but was having a very hard time. He had been continually sexually abused himself when he was a child by an older male family member. It was a horrible experience for him and he loathed that he could turn around and do the same thing himself as an adult. All he wanted to do at that point was to die - he couldn't change and he couldn't go on living as he had been. He broke down into tears as he spoke, and my heart honestly went out to him. I don't know what ever happened to him, but I hope he got the help he needed. If not, I am sure that by now he is dead by his own hand.

[lookout123]

i understand that you have to care if you are an emergency worker. you are there to treat illnesses and injuries, not necessarily the people who have them.

and Mari - you are a kind hearted soul... me personally, if i had been in that group i would have helped him buy a cheap gun and given him one bullet. i understand he has a history that led him down that path, but no one from his past stood behind him threatening him with a gun if he didn't bugger a child. we all have histories and we are all responsible for our actions regardless of what happened to us as children. and for the record - i'm not a victim, but child sex abuse has touched my family.

[Trilby]

Mari--I know totally what you are saying. I am no pedophile but I have problems with certain things (you may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful wife?" You may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful automobile?"--ask the Talking Heads if you are under age 30) I have nothing but sympathy for every down-trodden individual. That being said: you buggar my child and you lose. I will hunt you down and exact my own personal justice. The saying goes that "money changes everything", well I think having children changes everything. PS--I am NO earthmother. NO way.

[perth]

Originally Posted by Brianna

(you may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful wife?" You may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful automobile?"--ask the Talking Heads if you are under age 30

Hey, just because someone is under 30 doesn't mean they can't have good taste in music. And if they have good taste in music, then someone aged, oh, 26, as a completely random example, might just know what you're talking about. :p

[perth]

Hey God, I thought I'd start with updating the Ten Commandments. Let me know what you think:

1. Thou shalt stop the "killing in my name" thing. That shit is lame.
2. Thou shalt stop putting words in my mouth.
3. Thou shalt not say one thing and do another.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. That one was pretty good, I'm especially proud of it.
5. Thou shalt not involve oneself in politics from the pulpit and then demand tax-exempt status. I mean, come on, this is like dropping money in the slots at Vegas and then crying foul when you don't win. Pay your dues and you can talk all you like. But see commandment 2. That wasn't a joke.
6. Thou shalt fucking follow the teachings of Jesus. I can't believe I had to make a whole new commandment to remind you.
7. Thou shalt stop putting words in my mouth. It bears repeating. Assholes.
8. Just compress the original 10 and put them here. Those were all pretty good.
9. Thou shalt cut out the "holier-than-thou" attitude. This goes back to 6. Jesus was a pretty decent guy. Someone you could have a beer and an interesting conversation with.
10. Look, just stop twisting shit in the Bible to match your own agenda. If you really believe in me, then surely you realise that there's my plan, and then there's your plan. And my plan doesn't always line up with yours. I'm bigger than you. Deal with it.

[Trilby]

All I know about God is that I am not HIM/HER. So far, so good.

Originally Posted by Brianna

Mari--I know totally what you are saying. I am no pedophile but I have problems with certain things (you may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful wife?" You may ask yourself: "Where is my beautiful automobile?"--ask the Talking Heads if you are under age 30) I have nothing but sympathy for every down-trodden individual. That being said: you buggar my child and you lose. I will hunt you down and exact my own personal justice. The saying goes that "money changes everything", well I think having children changes everything. PS--I am NO earthmother. NO way.

I couldn't agree with you and Lookout more. I think it is totally vile to harm a child in ANY way; and it goes beyond my imagination to harm one sexually. There are some kids in my life whom I love dearly, and pacifist that I am, I think that is the one thing that would inspire me to kill someone. That said, I also got to see this man's humanity and the horrible pain that he was suffering. I don't let him or anyone else off the hook for harming a child, however. We all ARE responsible for our actions as adults. What got me is that this man felt the same way, and decided suicide was the only way out. Child abuse has such deep reaching and tragic results.

[God]

Sorry I'm a bit late here. Just finishsed off a veal steak sub. Jesus Christ those folks at Lisa's little Philli subshop make some great food!

So anyway....I come back to the office after a full day of listening to the constant stream of whinning and crying....and looking over some really deserving people to help with a small miracle or two......and what do I find?

My inbox is jammed with emails. You truly are not equipped to comprehend the capacity of this mail account either, it's fucking enormous. Nothing but irrational/spiteful e-mails. Not the normal emails either. Sure, I'm used to getting hatemail from the DNC....and the ACLU, but this is different. Apparently there are lot of people reading your post Perth, and that is causing me more than a little discomfort here. I cut and pasted just a few of the headings from the emails.
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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:Buddha@Dharma.4u.com

What the fuck!? Jesus couldn't even pass the LSAT and you're rewriting the commandments instructing people to follow his "teachings"??? ROTFLMAO
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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:GWB@WH.Bunker.govv

What the fuck!? Are you sending Jesus back or what? Rumsfeld requests he become a Marine this time if he's coming back. Please advise.

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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:Allah@Die4me.now.comm

What the fuck!? We aren't going to have another problem here, are we? Just you and me......far side of Pluto....we can solve this without the little people.

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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:Noah@Party.ark.comm

What the fuck!? Are you going to do the rain thing again? Thought you said I wouldnt be needed for another cruise again. (confused )

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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:Hashem@yorpocket2mine.comm

What the fuck!? You aren't authorized to rewrite the commandments. Don't make me sue you again. Yes, and don't forget you still owe me $10.

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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:PRobertson@rWing.nut.comm

What the fuck!? We're ready when you are for the second coming but, Jesus Christ, we've been waiting a long time here. What's the holdup!? (frustrated)


So, as you can see, the whole issue of rewriting the commandments re-ignites hope and fervor that I'm not prepared to deal with right now. I wish you would PM me with things like this.

On the upside, your got some great lines there. When I was working with Moses, your society was completely different. Yes, you all have the same general characteristics, but you've come a long way technologically.

It has always been my goal to bring humanity to "another level". You have to start in first gear from a dead stop and that's pretty much where you where at that time.

There's a lot of updating I need to do down there. It's complicated. Hang with me, I'm working on making the world a better place.

Op. Jesus just popped his head into my office. He's got the pre-realease version of Doom 3 for X box.

He wants me to tell you all that "it fucking rocks, man!"

I'll be back to chat later. I have to get back with GWB before he does something really stupid. He's a bit panicked about now.


Praise me, pass the ammo

God

(edit: spelling hey, even I fuck up sometimes)

[perth]

Aw geez, God. Didn't mean to cause you all that trouble. I guess "The Bible, Part II" is off then?

Op. Jesus just popped his head into my office. He's got the pre-realease version of Doom 3 for X box.

He wants me to tell you all that "it fucking rocks, man!"

Well, if Jesus says it it must be true. Crossfire, Jesus and I kind of disagree one which version of Doom 3 you should get, but he's got that whole "turning water into wine" thing going, so I guess that trumps my "foul-mouthed reimagining of the Bible" thing.

[Buddha]

Look, God, how many times must I keep repeating this to you? You are not learning the Dharma. You have not even achieved the level of a stream entrant. Suffering follows in your path as the wheel follows the hoof of the oxen. Look at the world if you don't believe me. Do those folks look happy to You? Cut with the bragging and return Your mind to the breath. You've caused enough havoc for the next three eternities as it is. Study the Heart Sutra as I requested. "Gate, gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha." You know, "Gone, gone! Gone all the way to the other shore! The entire community of beings (this includes YOU, Big Guy). Wonderful!" It WOULD be wonderful if you got enlightened before another eternity has to pass. Only about one fifth of the world believes in You. Get real and get with the program already. Namaste - The Buddha

[God]

Originally Posted by perth

..... I guess "The Bible, Part II" is off then?

I wouldn't say that. The questions are, what would the up to date copy look like? What would it include? What are the goals of re-making it? Who will it speak to ? Is it backwards compatible? Have my goals changed? How would it be distributed? Will people really benefit from it? The whole thing gets tricky fast.

Consider this scenario.

I send someone back down there again. He goes around all "I'm the son of God" again, and winds being heckled and ridiculed......just like old times. He's promoting "the new bible" in whichever form is finally released. I give him a little power over time and space....and he uses it for demos. His target audience, the unwashed masses, finds him scary or ridiculous. The power mongers find him credible and want to re-create some of his powers....so they humor him, study his "magic" and keep him distracted from helping the people that he's there to try to help.

At best I would have to give him "massive powers" that he could overpower any born and bred human with. I don't have a problem giving a son the keys to the Caddy in that respect, but the people in general are fearful of the thought of any being having powers they cannot understand. It's not like the old days. People now have the power to destroy the entire human race.

If that happens, I have to start alllllllll over again. It aint easy, let me tell you.

If the second coming freaks out the people, they might not just kill him, but millions of others. I've fallen so far behind in this project that there is such a diversity of different philosophies that they are all stepping on each others toes.

We need a global OS, but Kofi wont be installing it.

So, that's just a peek at the intracacies of the situation.

And, Jesus just isn't the man he used to be. You parents think your kids are staying a bit too long at home? He's been here sponging off me for, what, a couple thousand years now. I can barely get him away from the X box long enough to go visit some deserving souls. Not the man he used to be.

Originally Posted by perth

.... but he's got that whole "turning water into wine" thing going,

Well......like I say, he doesn't do that sort of thing here often. Sometimes I encourage him to practice up, but he's lost his mojo.

I heard him cackling the other day from 3 dimensions away. When I stopped in his room to see what was going on, I caught him crushing a beer can on his forehead. There was a pile of crushed cans right next to him. He must have thought that was quite amusing.

Imagine the disappointment I felt at that point.

So I'm thinking of going another direction. Maybe a woman to be the second coming. I can't get past the potential horrors of sending a woman though. Imagine what a woman with godly powers would be like having a period.

That thought scares me.....and I'm God

Maybe Jesus will turn things around. He's done some awesome work. Maybe he will again, who knows.


Ohh, and I found this in my inbox, thought you might get a kick out of it.


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To:God-almighty@Heaven.mainoffice.com From:Bubba@feelYorass.com

What the FucK? Didn't you hear me say "oh God....oh God....oh God" the other night? Hey, you aren't still pissed at me are you?

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God

[God]

Hello Buddha,


I sincerly appreciate the Christmas card you send last year and I'm gunuinely embarrassed that I didn't reply back at that time.

[God thinks to self] I wonder what other god might fall into this thread[/God thinks to self]

Originally Posted by Buddha

You are not learning the Dharma.

Yes, I know. We've discussed this before. It's not my thing. It's your thing.

Originally Posted by Buddha

Suffering follows in your path as the wheel follows the hoof of the oxen. Look at the world if you don't believe me. Do those folks look happy to You?

That's the problem Bu, the people aren't happy. Materialism and watching TV, and the DNC has led people away from me. They are hungry for my word, but it's become "uncool" for many to even mention my name! I do need to send someone down again to clarify the message.

Originally Posted by Buddha

You've caused enough havoc for the next three eternities as it is.

I can see your perspective on this....but I disagree. Here again, there are people not practicing the will of me. They preach but don't follow the word themselves. That's not to say there aren't millions that are doing a great job, but I need a better PR guy.

Originally Posted by Buddha

Only about one fifth of the world believes in You.

( grabs a report showing some poll numbers)

Actually, it's less than that. There are people that classify themselves as Christians but don't have the true love of me in them.

More than 20% of the total population is not happy though. Seems like you have a little work to do yourself.

Originally Posted by Buddha

It WOULD be wonderful if you got enlightened before another eternity has to pass. Get real and get with the program already.

Well, in the big picture here, we're competitiors in many ways. I'm not going to convert......I wouldn't expect that you would either.

So where does that leave us? Our systems are not compatible. Should we abolish religion altogether so I can play more golf? Should I just leave the herd?

Are you coming in to take the territory? Maybe, but I don't think so.

Here again, we're looking at your vs my people. Either side isn't going to be converted by force.

It seems to me that the only way we can truly win is to send the best representative down.

(Looks over at Jesus, laughing at a Stempy on TV)

I've got a lot of work to do here.

But hey, sorry for not keeping in contact with you. Your people are great. I wish my people we as mathematically inclined, but hey, they got their virtues too.

May Peace Be with You,

God

[jdbutler]

Hi Dog, (excuse me, I'm dyslexic) glad to see you finally came out of the closet and into the cellar. I must have missed the east to west lightning bolt and the shouting thing.

Would you mind starting a thread that answers all of our questions?
Of course, we wouldn't expect you to divulge the Lottery or Powerball numbers, or cure any STD's or the obvious mental afflictions, and you can leave us to find our own way out of this dark cellar and into the light of your truth.

I'll start it off, K?

1. Did you really spend all of that time with Neale Donald Walsch or are his books the result of his overindulging in weed?

2. Did the 911 hijackers get their 72 virgins, or did you give the bastards a good suprise?

3. Will I really go blind, or was my mommy lying to me? (I'm willing to get glasses).

Well, thanks for listening...I'm sure that other people have questions too.

[God]

Originally Posted by jdbutler

1. Did you really spend all of that time with Neale Donald Walsch or are his books the result of his overindulging in weed?

I don't want to sound like some candy assed God here, but in reality, I can spend time with everyone. It really only depends on your willingness to communicate with me and to hear what I have to say. Do I hang with Neale and drink beers? No.

Originally Posted by jdbutler

2. Did the 911 hijackers get their 72 virgins, or did you give the bastards a good suprise?

It may be somewhat confusing to hear, but I'm God, Jesus's old man. The God that watches over/listens to/inspires/loves/advises Christians. Buddha has made a brief appearance, maybe Allah will too. He could give you a bit more information about the 911 people, I can't. It's not that I don't care about everyone in the world, but they all just don't speak the same language, the same religion as I do.

So, without going through the hassle of accessing someone's file, the context of their question may exclude me from commenting.

Originally Posted by jdbutler

3. Will I really go blind, or was my mommy lying to me? (I'm willing to get glasses).

Ah, you are witty. If there's one thing God likes, it's a sense of humor. There are few things in the world that can compare to the power of laughter and humor. Sure, love is good too, don't get me wrong, but humor seems to be the best way to me to get my message across.

Having said that, I'll try to answer your question provided this doesn't turn into a wanking off thread.....or a ....well....other sexual issues thread. That's really not what I am here for. I'm trying to deal more with humanity's urgent issues and ways to promote it's survival and continued evolution.

So, the short anwer......she fibbed, but it was in your best interest.

Now a question for you. What can I do to help people get through this tumultuous period in history? Besides giving women 4 breasts, I think someone brought that up last week. Not what I'm looking for, funny but this is a serious issue with me.



Got God

God

[jdbutler]

[quote=God]
Now a question for you. What can I do to help people get through this tumultuous period in history?


Got God

God[/QUOTE

How about that great comet prediction that is supposed to bring about the three days of darkness? You could let the astronomers track it until it enters the atmosphere, effectively scaring the Be-Jesus (sorry) out of everybody...
then, at the last possible monent, turn it into a giant whipped cream pie! That would let everybody know who's in charge and let them know you have a sense of humor too. Whaddyathink?