Ascension of Christ

[perth]

Hey God, I thought I'd start with updating the Ten Commandments. Let me know what you think:

1. Thou shalt stop the "killing in my name" thing. That shit is lame.
2. Thou shalt stop putting words in my mouth.
3. Thou shalt not say one thing and do another.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. That one was pretty good, I'm especially proud of it.
5. Thou shalt not involve oneself in politics from the pulpit and then demand tax-exempt status. I mean, come on, this is like dropping money in the slots at Vegas and then crying foul when you don't win. Pay your dues and you can talk all you like. But see commandment 2. That wasn't a joke.
6. Thou shalt fucking follow the teachings of Jesus. I can't believe I had to make a whole new commandment to remind you.
7. Thou shalt stop putting words in my mouth. It bears repeating. Assholes.
8. Just compress the original 10 and put them here. Those were all pretty good.
9. Thou shalt cut out the "holier-than-thou" attitude. This goes back to 6. Jesus was a pretty decent guy. Someone you could have a beer and an interesting conversation with.
10. Look, just stop twisting shit in the Bible to match your own agenda. If you really believe in me, then surely you realise that there's my plan, and then there's your plan. And my plan doesn't always line up with yours. I'm bigger than you. Deal with it.