Humor...I Need Humor...

[Doodle]

California State Employee
Girly-Men Handbook

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER


SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are
right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.



THE GOVERNATER

[Cyber Wolf]

Originally Posted by Doodle

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Snorting orange juice through your nose isn't a very pleasant experience, trust me.

[Doodle]

Ha ha Glad you got a kick out of it Cyber Wolf.

[Doodle]

You'll have to forgive me is this is already posted, i'm a newbie.

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"


The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[Catwoman]

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts

fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the

girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and

says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But

I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American

saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent

American dog!"

[404Error]

There was a secret, surprise trial for Sadam Hussein today.


The sentence....

[zippyt]

AHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!
But he deserves it !!!!!!

[busterb]

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing

that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to

stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it

must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will

starve to death.



Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a

lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling

ass

[wolf]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!"

[busterb]

New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go
to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to 6 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make
me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration, and credit limit
of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself.

[busterb]

Slow to work, but I post & see.

[Elspode]

Little Bobby was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Little Bobby was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Bobby aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Bobby, "He's a politician, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired ! by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor.

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

His new job? Youth counselor.

NO FREAKIN' WAY! :