Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[lookout123]

thanks for the words Jim (and everyone else), but i won't be punching her anytime soon.

we have started counseling so we'll see where it goes. I performed a level III gutcheck and came to the conclusion that this woman and this marriage is something worth fighting for. I may be sitting at the keyboard in 4 days/weeks/months/years crying about my failed marriage but i can't focus on the maybe's. if i do, i will eventually be crying about the "what if's". emotionally she is screwed up right now, and that is putting me through the wringer - but the reality is that she just happens to be the most incredible person i've ever met and i absolutely meant it when i said "for better or worse". this is the "worse" part. (hopefully, we haven't been to the better part yet).

I cannot control her actions or decisions. i can control mine. she may still leave me and opt for divorce, but until that time i will love her the best that i can, i will be the best husband that i can, and i will try to push/pull/drag us through this mess. those are my choices and actions that i am in control of. it is my choice to send up the white flag and pack my bags, to be bitter and spiteful, or to continue to love her the only way i know how. if i loved her with all my heart two weeks ago, why should i change who i am and what i do, just because she is confused and depressed?

there have already been - and will be many more - great days and horrible days. i'm in for an emotional roller coaster ride, and i don't know where this one is going to end, but...

wish me luck, -i'm going in.