Humor...I Need Humor...

[zippyt]

This may nave been posted befor , but I just found it

The Pianist

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano.

'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager

'As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little g-string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate.

He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that bastard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

The bloke replies 'Know it? I fucking wrote it.'

[dar512]

Most of the stuff I get in the mail that's supposed to be funny, isn't. I thought this was cute though. I have no idea if this really comes from the WP.


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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:


1.. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj..), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish
men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole