Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 24

Brett's Honey · 03-24-2006, 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

As the resident physiopsycho-sexual therapy recommender in this thread, I just want to say that, with a good lawyer on your side, you'll need to worry *far* less about who you see for a bit of mutually agreeable adult shagging that your ex will need to worry about the whole substance abuse issue. And, if things get nasty, that sort of stuff will come up, but I still say that level headed adult behavior beats being a hopped up single mom any day.

By all means, be discreet, be adult, be mature...but I don't believe you have to be celibate. Your mental health (and a healthy sex life, especially in times of stress like this, is a critical component of mental health) is going to be sorely tested during the divorce and subsequent years. (Don't think for a moment that once the divorce is done that your agony with her stops...you have a child together, and whatever *you* think is best for that child is likely to be diametrically opposed to what she thinks, even if she might have thought you right before the divorce).You're going to need to take care of your self-esteem and your positive self-image in order to be the man you're going to need to be. Rock on, my brother.

Very, very good advice. Thinking back, now I remember how much it not only hurts, but beats down your feelings of self-worth. It DOES help a lot, after going through shit like this, to be held, feel wanted and remember that you are a desirable, attractive, interesting person who deserves to feel good about themself and to be happy- even if, at first, it's only for a while. It may take you a little longer Lookout, but as soon as you can, do this for yourself. You WILL feel better!

Trilby · 03-24-2006, 05:25 AM

Lookout--I read your last post and my heart just broke for you. My friend, you have my thoughts and best wishes. I know how you feel; I loved my husband and he divorced me at the worst possible time, I felt so broken and useless and he kept telling me that I was broken and useless and I internalized that and started to ACT that way. Don't you do that-you're strong! You are one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure to talk with here. It is HER problem, lookout, not yours. SHE is acting nutty and probably using. Using people are never themselves, are never rational and can be UberCruel as the substance abuse takes away their humanity. I send you a huge cyberhug and kiss and know I am sending you good vibes.

yesman065 · 03-24-2006, 08:06 AM

Dude you and I are in such similar situations its scaring me - the only big differences are that I never had any money, left the house and she tried to frame ME for using. I too felt as low as a person could. I was thinking - "What the F*ck is wrong with me that this is happening?" Eventually, I realized it was her and not me. I am slowly, SLOWLY getting my self respect and self worth back and you will too. All my lifelong friends are where I thought I was and cannot comprehend this trainwreck of my existence. I totally understand how you feel - If you EVER EVER need to talk to someone, PM me and I'll give you my cell number. Call me Anytime, Anyplace, Anything you need - Just know that someone is there for you - if no one you know, then I will be because I do understand and can completely relate to your feelings.
Oh and yes the cellar is as real as anything in life and in some cases - moreso!

glatt · 03-24-2006, 09:56 AM

We're here for you, Lookout. Come back and rant any time. Hang in there. You will get through this.

WabUfvot5 · 03-25-2006, 02:00 AM

Do not let her ruin herself and you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to your son. Mrs lookout is the one with screws loose. Not you. You're feeling what any caring person would after getting stabbed like this and rightfully so. Mrs lookout is a beast unto her own at this point and you shouldn't project her malevolence unto yourself or anybody else.

Even hurricanes don't last forever... you'll make it through.

yesman065 · 03-30-2006, 08:37 AM

Lookout long time no post - Whats goin on? You hangin in there?? Give us an update. Personally, I'm starting to get worried about you.

lookout123 · 03-30-2006, 08:37 PM

eh, don't worry. i'm too dumb to give up on anything. there have been a few rough patches and there will be more but as long as i'm on the right side of the grass everyday life will be ok.

i made and offer and it was accepted for a new home today. it isn't my dream home but it'll do for a year or two.

tonight i am going to sit her down and offer to give up $xx,xxx that is rightfully mine if we can just bring this to a close. money isn't worth the headaches. and my new mortgage will be a lot cleaner if the negotiations are a done deal.

xoxoxoBruce · 03-30-2006, 08:50 PM

Well, you're the only one that can decide how much expedience is worth. I will caution you to think it through carefully as the results may vary from what you expect.
But you know all that.

lookout123 · 03-30-2006, 09:29 PM

well, the thing is that i know if i push for that money it will be awarded to me. BUT in order for her to pay me the money she would have to qualify for a bigger refi on our house and I don't know if she can - i'm pretty doubtful honestly. I think they got pretty creative to get her as much as they did. If they award me the money and then she can't come up with it we will both be screwed because the court will order the sale of the home and then it may be 4-6 months before i get ANY money, thus making life difficult for me in setting up a new home.

i am willing to graciously allow her to keep the money, IF she is willing to take care of labor costs for some projects i want at my new place (she can barter in her business). not quite a win/win... but nothing in this whole situation is when you get down to brass tacs.

03-30-2006, 10:06 PM

Jeez, you're letting her keep the house AND the money?

Well, I DO understand about just wanting to be done with the whole mess, but, face it, until lil Lookout is 18, you won't be. How's the custody thing going to work? Take care of YOU, Lookout!

yesman065 · 03-31-2006, 07:44 AM

Good to hear from you. Our paths cross again. I hope things work out the best for you and lil-lookout. The decisions you make now affect you and him for much longer than the expediency may be worth, but that is your call and I understand your perspective. It is terribly difficult to be away from my own kids as much as I have been forced to be.

On a personal note - I was accused of being a "coke-addict" at my custody hearing on Wed. and the Master ordered that we both suppy hair samples for drug testing. When he gave us 6 weeks to get it done, I jumped up and said "WHY! ! ! Lets do this today - I am being withheld from seeing my kids I have 2 teenage boys who need to be taught how to be men." After my outburst, he cleared the courtroom for 20 minutes and when we reconvened he sternly lectured her,agreed with me and granted me weekend custody with all 3 kids till this is settled! Also, we'll get back into court in 2 weeks instead of 8 to finalize custody. Now she's really screwed, cuz I'll pass with flying colors, since I don't use drugs, and she will lose all credibility with the court.

lookout123 · 03-31-2006, 06:56 PM

Mari - her keeping the house wasn't even up for argument, i don't have any real desire to carry that much debt entirely on my own. whoever keeps the house has to dip deeply into the substantial amount of equity to buy the other person out. i can technically afford it, i just don't want to live like that. not even for my dream house.

i am in the purchase process on a much smaller and much less expensive home that will be adequate for the time being.

as far as giving her "the money"? i'm not giving it all to her. i just have to be realistic - if i push for that last little bit, even though i'm entitled to it, there are negative consequences for me and little lookout. on the upside the fact that I am the one who proposed accepting a smaller payout -helping her in a huge way - doesn't go unnoticed, and can come in handy when negotiating for other areas like custody, child support, etc.

03-31-2006, 07:01 PM

Sounds like you know what you're doing. Continue to keep us posted, and give lil' Lookout a big hug from me.

footfootfoot · 04-02-2006, 12:07 AM

lookout123,
Money was completely unimportant to my dad, he had more than enough when he passed away, at other times in his life, he didn't any.

He valued intangible things like connections with family, personal values, morals, beautiful music, funny stories, tilting at windmills, his children.

Littlelookout will no doubt benefit from your willingness to spend a couple of bucks to get on with the important things in life.

Money is energy, energy is infinte, days with our loved ones, finite, more precious.

He's a lucky lad.

zippyt · 04-02-2006, 03:04 AM

Well Said FOOT !!!!

03-24-2006, 05:25 AM	#347
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout--I read your last post and my heart just broke for you. My friend, you have my thoughts and best wishes. I know how you feel; I loved my husband and he divorced me at the worst possible time, I felt so broken and useless and he kept telling me that I was broken and useless and I internalized that and started to ACT that way. Don't you do that-you're strong! You are one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure to talk with here. It is HER problem, lookout, not yours. SHE is acting nutty and probably using. Using people are never themselves, are never rational and can be UberCruel as the substance abuse takes away their humanity. I send you a huge cyberhug and kiss and know I am sending you good vibes. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

03-30-2006, 08:50 PM	#353
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Well, you're the only one that can decide how much expedience is worth. I will caution you to think it through carefully as the results may vary from what you expect. But you know all that. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-02-2006, 12:07 AM	#359
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	lookout123, Money was completely unimportant to my dad, he had more than enough when he passed away, at other times in his life, he didn't any. He valued intangible things like connections with family, personal values, morals, beautiful music, funny stories, tilting at windmills, his children. Littlelookout will no doubt benefit from your willingness to spend a couple of bucks to get on with the important things in life. Money is energy, energy is infinte, days with our loved ones, finite, more precious. He's a lucky lad. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

04-02-2006, 03:04 AM	#360
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Well Said FOOT !!!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

03-24-2006, 08:06 AM	#348
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Dude you and I are in such similar situations its scaring me - the only big differences are that I never had any money, left the house and she tried to frame ME for using. I too felt as low as a person could. I was thinking - *"What the Fck is wrong with me that this is happening?"** Eventually, I realized it was her and not me. I am slowly, SLOWLY getting my self respect and self worth back and you will too. All my lifelong friends are where I thought I was and cannot comprehend this trainwreck of my existence. I totally understand how you feel - If you EVER EVER need to talk to someone, PM me and I'll give you my cell number. Call me Anytime, Anyplace, Anything you need - Just know that someone is there for you - if no one you know, then I will be because I do understand and can completely relate to your feelings. Oh and yes the cellar is as real as anything in life and in some cases - moreso!

03-24-2006, 09:56 AM	#349
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	We're here for you, Lookout. Come back and rant any time. Hang in there. You will get through this.

03-25-2006, 02:00 AM	#350
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Do not let her ruin herself and you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to your son. Mrs lookout is the one with screws loose. Not you. You're feeling what any caring person would after getting stabbed like this and rightfully so. Mrs lookout is a beast unto her own at this point and you shouldn't project her malevolence unto yourself or anybody else. Even hurricanes don't last forever... you'll make it through.

03-30-2006, 08:37 AM	#351
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Lookout long time no post - Whats goin on? You hangin in there?? Give us an update. Personally, I'm starting to get worried about you.

03-30-2006, 08:37 PM	#352
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	eh, don't worry. i'm too dumb to give up on anything. there have been a few rough patches and there will be more but as long as i'm on the right side of the grass everyday life will be ok. i made and offer and it was accepted for a new home today. it isn't my dream home but it'll do for a year or two. tonight i am going to sit her down and offer to give up $xx,xxx that is rightfully mine if we can just bring this to a close. money isn't worth the headaches. and my new mortgage will be a lot cleaner if the negotiations are a done deal.

03-30-2006, 09:29 PM	#354
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	well, the thing is that i know if i push for that money it will be awarded to me. BUT in order for her to pay me the money she would have to qualify for a bigger refi on our house and I don't know if she can - i'm pretty doubtful honestly. I think they got pretty creative to get her as much as they did. If they award me the money and then she can't come up with it we will both be screwed because the court will order the sale of the home and then it may be 4-6 months before i get ANY money, thus making life difficult for me in setting up a new home. i am willing to graciously allow her to keep the money, IF she is willing to take care of labor costs for some projects i want at my new place (she can barter in her business). not quite a win/win... but nothing in this whole situation is when you get down to brass tacs.

03-30-2006, 10:06 PM	#355
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Jeez, you're letting her keep the house AND the money? Well, I DO understand about just wanting to be done with the whole mess, but, face it, until lil Lookout is 18, you won't be. How's the custody thing going to work? Take care of YOU, Lookout!

03-31-2006, 07:44 AM	#356
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Good to hear from you. Our paths cross again. I hope things work out the best for you and lil-lookout. The decisions you make now affect you and him for much longer than the expediency may be worth, but that is your call and I understand your perspective. It is terribly difficult to be away from my own kids as much as I have been forced to be. On a personal note - I was accused of being a "coke-addict" at my custody hearing on Wed. and the Master ordered that we both suppy hair samples for drug testing. When he gave us 6 weeks to get it done, I jumped up and said "WHY! ! ! Lets do this today - I am being withheld from seeing my kids I have 2 teenage boys who need to be taught how to be men." After my outburst, he cleared the courtroom for 20 minutes and when we reconvened he sternly lectured her,agreed with me and granted me weekend custody with all 3 kids till this is settled! Also, we'll get back into court in 2 weeks instead of 8 to finalize custody. Now she's really screwed, cuz I'll pass with flying colors, since I don't use drugs, and she will lose all credibility with the court.

03-31-2006, 06:56 PM	#357
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Mari - her keeping the house wasn't even up for argument, i don't have any real desire to carry that much debt entirely on my own. whoever keeps the house has to dip deeply into the substantial amount of equity to buy the other person out. i can technically afford it, i just don't want to live like that. not even for my dream house. i am in the purchase process on a much smaller and much less expensive home that will be adequate for the time being. as far as giving her "the money"? i'm not giving it all to her. i just have to be realistic - if i push for that last little bit, even though i'm entitled to it, there are negative consequences for me and little lookout. on the upside the fact that I am the one who proposed accepting a smaller payout -helping her in a huge way - doesn't go unnoticed, and can come in handy when negotiating for other areas like custody, child support, etc.

03-31-2006, 07:01 PM	#358
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Sounds like you know what you're doing. Continue to keep us posted, and give lil' Lookout a big hug from me.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)