Putting Out the Lights

I know.
But, part of me answers your second question, "move on"... but I know it is a lie, in the way I picture it.

Lucid is kinda' pushin' it, lol.
Again, you are very kind. Thank you.

Funny you mention the first comments, this last week I was going through a lot with my bladder and stones... to me it really was not that bad. It made the Dr. and nurses very squeamish and they apologized a lot. I had to keep telling them, "s-ok, keep going, I'm all right. I'll tell you when to stop...".
The amount of pain I deal with daily, does not really dawn on me until I have to deal with what others see as something awful. However, at the same time, I know it is trashing my nervous system.
My ego is really taking a hit, I'm going to have to start using a catheter from time to time... I'm very embarrassed by it, just as I started to be a little ok with being in public on days when I could not hide pain.
I'm not keeping-up.

[Elspode]

I would imagine that your pain tolerance is astronomical compared to the rest of us who are blessed to be pain-free, man.

Don't sweat the small stuff like being cathed. Hell, I've got a bag pasted to my abdomen for the last 16 years, now. It bothers me when I'm morose, but the rest of the time, who cares?

Keep tickin' and talkin', bro.

[Cloud]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Been 2 steps from the edge, but not the one step.

for me, those 2 steps were my children. Even in my darkest moments, I could never do that to them. Lifesavers indeed.

Originally Posted by Elspode

I would imagine that your pain tolerance is astronomical compared to the rest of us who are blessed to be pain-free, man.

Don't sweat the small stuff like being cathed. Hell, I've got a bag pasted to my abdomen for the last 16 years, now. It bothers me when I'm morose, but the rest of the time, who cares?

Keep tickin' and talkin', bro.

Thanks man, that helped.

Edit:
Another aspect to this is that it is not just my wife and son, anyone who cares for me, this hurts as well.
Think of it, the role my parents are supposed to play has been completely reversed.
I should be taking care of them, but I have lost my home, I am having to have people take care of me (we now live across the street from them) they have to help with my son, they have to help me with the chair and aspects of my health that parents should not have to deal with, with their kids. They are very young, mid to late 50's with me just turning 39.
It is as if they got sick along with me. What I see them go through on days when I can't get out of bed or when something goes wrong... there are no words.
I cannot imagine going through this with my son (that is a whole other can of worms, I did not know I was this bad or that it was genetic when we decided to get pregnant, the good thing is that the chances are very low).

[Elspode]

FWIW, I *have* been through bad stuff with my son, who is now cognitively disabled for the rest of his life. Trust me on this...you'd rather it be you. I would have given anything to take his burden upon myself so that he could have had a normal life.

RZK...people take care of you because they love you. You've shared a lot of yourself here, your past, your present, and your future. From all I see, you've lived a hell of a good life, and despite your pain and inevitable fate, you are a remarkably upbeat and engaging man. Pretty fuckin' sharp lookin' dude to boot.

You've got tons to feel good about, bro.

[zippyt]

Fuck'n A !!!
Shit happens , a MAN deals with it and carries on ,and a Pussy doesn't .

You SIR are NO PUSSY !!!

[Griff]

You guys all impress me. People can be damn tough.

rkzenrage does have an advantage though. I'm going to read more about this but cognitive scientists are studying Buddism and Buddists. All kinds of cool potential from getting around brain injuries, to depression, pain control, mental illness, you name it, if its in your gourd you can alter it.

[rigcranop]

rkzenrage, I think, by example, you are teaching your son a very important trait, strength of character. He learning that some days, life sucks, but you get up tomorrow & do it again. And strength of character is something that will show itself in many other ways. The world needs strong, honest men & women. It's something we don't see much of anymore. Quoting a wise woman I know, "You'll be alright, you're a tough guy".

I really appreciate it everyone.
Part of it has been the last two weeks to a month. I have been through a lot, plus the weather has been bad. I am not sleeping and am in more pain that usual, lol! These kidney stones and the infection has been, and are, pretty trying.
Been good until the last few days... wearing on me. As soon as I get some damn sleep, I'll be ok.
Again, thank you all so much for your support. It means more than you can know.

[Deuce]

I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.

It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.

But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.

[Aliantha]

Deuce, I'm not trying to be critical here, but if it's so bad, can't you do something about your marriage?

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by Deuce

I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.

It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.

But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.

No offense, but this is a very selfish way to think of your life, suicide as a solution.

You're only thinking of a way to "free" and "liberate" yourself, you aren't thinking of other people who care for you; a la your significant other! Sure you have problems; but you're a human being. You aren't that special, strife occurs in everyone's life!

Don't want to be a downer but these are things that happen and by taking yourself out of the picture makes things worse for everyone--not to mention leaves a lot of people extremely sad that you are lost!

I'd seek therapy, this chronic suicidal feeling is not healthy at all. I'm glad you've fought this internal struggle, that's the best way to start.

[Deuce]

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

No offense, but this is a very selfish way to think of your life, suicide as a solution.

You're only thinking of a way to "free" and "liberate" yourself, you aren't thinking of other people who care for you; a la your significant other! Sure you have problems; but you're a human being. You aren't that special, strife occurs in everyone's life!

Don't want to be a downer but these are things that happen and by taking yourself out of the picture makes things worse for everyone--not to mention leaves a lot of people extremely sad that you are lost!

I'd seek therapy, this chronic suicidal feeling is not healthy at all. I'm glad you've fought this internal struggle, that's the best way to start.

Wow. I feel better already. Fuck you very much.

wondering...how does one get to that point? I used to never know myself. I was always amazed and dumbfounded that someone could commit suicide, and I was more than a little judgemental and critical of those who did. Then, fifteen years ago, my wife left me while our son was lying paralyzed in a hospital, on the verge of death. As the weeks wore on and I became more isolated, more fearful, wallowing in the throes of alcoholic depression and enormous feelings of inadequacy...I finally saw it. I had finally gotten close enough to the precipice that I could see over it. I understood completely how putting out my own lights could be a solution to my misery. I had reached the point where never feeling anything again might be preferable to feeling the way I had felt for so long.

Go back and read the opening post. When you've walked a mile in my shoes, I'll reconsider your helpful, compassionate remarks.

[Deuce]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Deuce, I'm not trying to be critical here, but if it's so bad, can't you do something about your marriage?

Sure, I see three options.

Continue with no changes, keep suffering. Poor choice.

Divorce, worse choice.

Work to improve our marriage. Best choice.

Continue with no changes. This has the superficial appeal of being "easy" since no difficult changes are required. But the accumulation of all that deferred maintenance can make everything else anything but easy. I don't like conflict, so avoiding the problem has real appeal to me. But I know it's not a solution.

Divorce. Well, like suicide, this has a certain permanency to it. Like suicide, it avoids the problem, instead of solves it. It's an "option", but one I am loathe to take. I don't want divorce. I want harmony. I want togetherness. I want a shared life.

Work to improve our marriage. Best choice. Hardest work, greatest reward, longest (unending) path. There's more to this choice, my choice, than I have time or room to post just now. But this is what I'm doing.

I've dealt with depression my whole life.
What works for me is trying to stay in the moment, keep the goals that you focus on most of the time in the immediate. It really helps, at least for me.
When I start looking at large things, like my past or the "future" it is very depressing. Focusing on things that are closer to now, things I can actually DO something about does not feel so oppressive or overwhelming. "This is something I am doing" feels good, no matter what it is, gardening, home project, planning a trip, a class at the local college/community college/library, it does not matter... just something.
Now, I am NOT saying that something trite like a hobby or class will cure depression... I am saying that dealing in the now and doing something positive on a regular basis helps.
It also helped me in my marriage when we where having problems. Gave me something to focus on other than our "stuff" all the time. Kept it from festering and helped me be objective and look at things from her perspective... say "I was wrong" or "I don't think I was wrong, but this is why" in a calm, non-threatening way, a lot more.
Dude, please know, this is not advice... it is just what has worked/is working for me.