Suicide Watch Thread

[Deuce]

sky:

I don't know about anon, but the posts by Deuce were mine own, and made in earnest, not as a prank.

I am seeking help. Some of that help is here, in the replies we've both read. Some of it is by phone with people close to me and knowledgeable about my situation. Some of it is in person with professionals and laymen.

Despite the appearance of so much help, I remain very much alone. It's not so dark today, suicide is less appealing than, say, dinner, but we sit at the same table.

Much much more distressing is my personal situation, which I am reluctant to describe in any useful detail. I am reluctant for a number of reasons, chief among then is that is just sounds so whiny. He hurt my feelings, she said something mean, he won't do this, she called me a name. She told a lie. Gah. It's all true of course. My feelings are hurt, grievously so. The mean things said cut me, to the bone. Sticks and stones not withstanding, that shit hurts. Slander hurts. I hurt.

I am universally regarded by those that know me as a very strong person. By those close to me, by those in conflict with me, that strength is characterized as stubbornness. Perhaps. I have strength. But this strength is no defense against these assaults. Why? Because I have given the people hurting me access to my heart.

That is my dilemma. I could easily close my heart against these painful, hurtful attacks, by closing my heart against the attacker. But at such a cost!! To be impervious to pain would mean to be immune to love. I have willingly made and maintain this choice. But I cannot continue long under the current conditions, receiving so much more pain than love, I just can't.

What comes then I don't know. Maybe that's the day I die. Maybe not. Maybe I brick over my heart out of self defense. I find scant difference between unloving and unliving. What is life without love? Better still, why bother?