Birds and Bees

[smurfalicious]

I'm hoping for some wisdom from those of you who have been through this, or simply may have a better perspective than I.

My daughter, Scully, is 8, bright, very inquisitive, and never forgets a goddam thing - because of this, we will begin a conversation that will last days, weeks, and sometimes months later she brings it back up again.

Up to this point, I've successfully navigated my way around any kind of sex talk with her. First, she's too young, I think. I answer her questions as they come along, but recently it's become unavoidable to have the actual penis/vagina talk. Her response to most of our talks, particularly the part about about a baby coming out of one's vagina, has been "ew, nasty". We've talked about everything but sperm/egg and the actual sex act.

Tomorrow The Man is going in for the old snip-snip. He has a 15 year old son, I have The Girl, we're not interested in further populating the planet. So, two nights ago, we talked to Scully about how there will be no wrastling or rough-housing this weekend around Rob since he is having surgery. She asked what kind of surgery, we told her basically it takes two people (most times) to have a baby, and since neither one of us want any more babies, it's much easier for Rob to have his tubes cut, than to have mine cut. She seemed rather satisfied with the answers at the time, but last night, at dinner, which is when she usually asks her most fucked up questions (so naturally the Heimlich maneuver is well practiced in my home), she asks how it is that it takes two people to make babies.

I have never been so happy to get a phone call from my mom in the middle of dinner. So we didn't have the talk, she went to bed, but I *know* this is going to come up again today or tomorrow.


I think she's too young to have the sex talk just yet. I also know that she never asks just one person a question - she'll ask me, Rob, my mom, her teacher, and once she's heard everyone's answer, then decide for herself what she thinks about it. I have raised her thus far answering her questions as they have come along.


At what age/maturity level did you have The Talk with your kid(s)?

Is telling her she's too young to know the best way to handle it?

[glatt]

In my opinion, there is no such thing as too young. Although if they are very young, you may have to repeat it again when they are older so they get it.

It's science/nature. Kids are curious about science/nature. They don't have the baggage about it that we do, because they are not sexual themselves yet. Just tell her how the system works. It's like anything else. If you would tell her how water evaporates, goes into the clouds, and comes down as rain to be evaporated again, then you should tell her about this too. It's all just about learning.

The hubba hubba sex part is something that she will pick up as she gets older and matures. Right now, it's simply about mechanics.

I told my son when he was 3 (or maybe 4) and my daughter when she was 6. It just came up in conversation and they both learned about it at the same time. The three year old thought it was funny that grown-ups would do that, and the 6 year old was just quiet and thought about it. Since then, we've checked a kids sex ed book out of the library for my daughter (who is 8 now) so she can read it on her own. She's more curious now. The boy isn't that curious about it now, but he knows the gist of it.

[BigV]

Is telling her she's too young to know the best way to handle it?

The "best way" to handle it.... that's far too subjective a measure to answer with any confidence, sorry. A good way? Perhaps, I don't think so, though. You seem to have developed something of a track record here for telling her the truth, telling her the facts. I applaud you for this, and your daughter will too, someday. I think the facts have a place here, too. But I am getting the sense that you're overlooking an important fact, based on the statement I quoted. I think you might be focused on the mechanics (eww nasty), and overlooking the fact that you're uncomfortable talking about it.

That may or may not be related to the fact that she's eight. Eight may or may not be "too young". That's why I'm hedging on answering your question. I think you should acknowledge that fact for yourself, and perhaps share it with her. Not to scare her, but perhaps to emphasize the intensely private nature of the situation. Perhaps tell her that you're overcoming that discomfort to tell her this, but that it is still a very private matter, and that she deserves the same privacy.

The facts are the facts and the uneasiness is all about the associations we attach to the mechanical facts. I'm not an analyst, and I won't try and bluff you with my diagnosis of you and your daughter, pffft. But I'll say that The Talk, while difficult to deliver (more than once) was more difficult for me than it was for the child. I had the most success (for me and for them) keeping these points in mind:

1 -- Don't get all freaked out, it's unhelpful and contagious.

2 -- Just the facts, not the baggage.

3 -- Many small doses is better than one monolithic lecture. Especially at the younger ages, their need/desire to know was much less that what I could teach them.

4 -- For pete's sake, tell the truth. Obvious, I hope.

5 -- Listen too. I might be psyching up to answer question A when they really wanted to know about question B.

6 -- Be prepared to cover this ground more than once. You might have to repeat something they didn't get the first time, or you might have to correct something they don't have right (perhaps from other sources, like the playground or the internet).

7 -- Keep it short.

8 -- Reemphasize your openness to their questions in the future.

Oh, and glatt is absolutely on the mark. I kinda skipped over his answer to the reply box and have only just now read it closely. He's a smart guy.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by glatt

if they are very young, you may have to repeat it again when they are older so they get it.

The only thing I would add is to say that I absolutely plan to be discussing this topic again in the future. I just wanted to be nonchalant about it in order to not make a big deal out of it. I hit all the big points, and plan to fill in around the edges as the topic comes up in the future.

For me, the big points (not really in order) were:

1. It's something moms and dads do to make babies.

2. It actually feels really good, but again is only for grownups. (Wanted to stay positive and avoid giving them something to worry about "How will I ever do THAT? Will it hurt?")

3. Also explained that much of it happens automatically, just like your mouth waters when you open a bag of chips. (Trying again to give them the sense that it's not something to fear or worry about without saying "don't fear" or "don't worry".)

4. The mechanics of it, of course.

5. It's a private areas kind of thing, so don't go talking about it outside the family. Let other parents tell their own kids.

I kept it short. Tried to keep it interesting. Less than 5 minutes. Maybe 2-3 minutes.

[Griff]

I take advantage of the fact that we have pets and farm animals that are making baby critters. That takes care of the process but then you have to build the construct about your child expressing her sexuality appropriately within the construct of your belief system. good luck

[Clodfobble]

8's about the right age, IMHO, for a discussion of at least the bare mechanics. 9 is well within the range of being able to start her period--and you want her to have at least a basic anatomy understanding of herself before she suddenly starts gushing blood, trust me.

"Sex" is different than "making babies." You don't have to go into any of the emotions involved in it, just stick with the biological functions if you're more comfortable with that. But I would say that "You're too young to know" is not a good thing to tell her, since it will only make her more curious, encourage her to seek answers from people who are not you, and give her the idea that there's something wrong or bad about it. If you're dead set on avoiding something, I'd say, "It's very complicated," and "We can talk about that part another time."

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by smurfalicious

...but last night, at dinner, which is when she usually asks her most fucked up questions (so naturally the Heimlich maneuver is well practiced in my home), she asks how it is that it takes two people to make babies.

Great. Googley. Moogley. I just about needed the heimlich maneuver performed on ME! I read "...dinner, which is when she usually asks her most fucked up questions (so naturally the Heimlich maneuver is well practiced in my home)..." and tried to simultaneously spit out and choke on my tater-tot and sip of pink lemonade.
I don't have children, but God...other people's children sure do amuse me!

[xoxoxoBruce]

I suppose letting her watch is out of the question, huh?

There must be some illustrations on the net, maybe even youtube, that are appropriate for the basics.

No such thing as too young.
Old enough to ask, old enough to know.
I was four.

[monster]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Old enough to ask, old enough to know.

he said it.

[Aliantha]

We had a fairly lengthy thread about this somewhere once upon a time.

My response in that thread was that I'd had that very same discussion with my oldest son who was 10 at the time, but it did cover some of the 'hubba hubba' stuff because I'd been slightly surprised to find out that in his circle of friends there was the whole g/f and b/f thing happening, including kissing on the lips etc. It was at that stage that I decided forwarned is forarmed. He found the discussion a little bit uncomfortable when we got down to the brass tacks of it all, but that's just life I reckon.

I say tell her about the process and if she asks for more then answer honestly. You know your own child best though. I'm sure you know what the best thing is to do.

[smurfalicious]

I'm all for honesty and I've addressed everything so far by answering her questions as they come up... I just get pressure from my mom and a couple of other "old schoolers" that are telling me she's too young and to blow her off until she's older. I am a little freaked out by her age, now that she's exiting the little kid stage, but a lot of changes are happening as far as her maturity level lately.


Thank you, all of you, for your advice, especially Glatt & BigV. I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

I suppose letting her watch is out of the question, huh?

Sick bitch.

[SteveDallas]

I don't think 8 is too young for the basics. Girls these days probably start having periods at least 1 or 2 years earlier than the "old schoolers" remember as being "normal."

[monster]

Originally Posted by smurfalicious

I just get pressure from my mom and a couple of other "old schoolers" that are telling me she's too young and to blow her off until she's older.

If you do this, she will ask elsewhere. If all the grown-ups in her family "blow her off", then she'll ask other kids and who knows what she's "learn" -certainly not you.

But more than that, you will set a taboo, perhaps making it harder for her to come and talk to you in the future, perhaps further piquing her curiosity causing her to research on her own and perhaps learn more than she is ready for yet. Like reading the last page of a book when all you really needed was the blurb on the dust cover.

Whatever you decide to say, pause frequently to allow her to ask more specifics, to see if she's following you and/or gauge if you have answered enough already. Make eye contact possible but not compulsory.