Divorce - Page 8

Deuce · 08-07-2007, 05:17 PM

Fear.

F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal

Fear is a *POWERFUL* motivator, and no one is immune. Not me, not you, not my wife, not our children.

Have you ever been to the ocean? To the beach? I have many times, and it's a beautiful place. The beauty of the ocean can distract one from the power of the moving water. Power to crush and kill. Fear is like that. It has the power to overwhelm, and lately for me, it comes over me like big ocean waves.

When I'm overtaken by one and being maytagged along the bottom, it feels like impending death. Hopeless. Each time (so far) I have managed to come up for air between waves, and to catch a little break or a reality check, between sets.

I just broke the surface of the last monster to crush me, and the salty air never tasted so sweet.

Someday, I hope to reach the shore, intact. I'll settle for being able to breathe for right now though.

Deuce · 08-07-2007, 06:02 PM

Here comes another one, a big one.

Now is a good time to hyperventilate.

DanaC · 08-07-2007, 06:08 PM

Hang in there Deuce. *smiles* It gets easier the further you swim.

08-15-2007, 10:23 PM

Thinking about you man.

Deuce · 08-22-2007, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

Hang in there Deuce. *smiles* It gets easier the further you swim.

I don't want to swim further out. I'm trying to get to shore, where my family is.

DanaC · 08-22-2007, 02:23 PM

At the risk of stretching this metaphor to breaking point...you need to get to a different shore.

I'm glad you posted though. I was just about to put out an APB on you :P

Deuce · 08-22-2007, 02:53 PM

You're right. The metaphor is probably broken. But it is still true that I want to be with my family. Different shore, same shore, Dinah Shore, whatever. The one with my family--that's the one I'm heading toward.

I'm not in jail yet, yay! We have had a few good talks, and a few good arguments. The talks were good because goodwill resulted from them. The arguements, not so much. They were "good" because they were rip roaring arguments. Not good, not productive.

That right there, that inability to argue constructively is one of our biggest problems. We're for sure arguing now, still, but it's through expen$ive proxie$. Better we should just learn to work out our differences better.

gah. who said it? somebbody said let them work it out. Man, that sounds appealing. I want to work it out, I just don't know how, when anything I say can be read as an attack on her. How do I do that?

We have so much to go on, and we're stuck arguing about he said she said. It's really discouraging. Even at this stage, we need to communicate. I want to communicate. To make myself understood, and to understand her. At this point, we're talking with legal papers, and even those are confusing. Can't we just, you know, talk? Understand each other?

How the hell do all you people do it?

rkzenrage, you are excused from answering. I read many of your posts about how your brutal candor has eliminated all marital friction, speeding all husband and wife communication along shining steel rails unimpeded by any emotion. I'm not capable of that. *My* heart's in it, 100%.

How would you all suggest I communicate with her?

I'm not ready to file my own divorce papers yet, and the longer I can defer that decision, the better. That's not communicating, that's telling. I'm looking for some mode / method / magic trick that we can use to understand each other?

I'm open to suggestions. Please.

DanaC · 08-22-2007, 02:59 PM

Honestly Deuce? I can't offer any advice on that. I think you stand more chance of understanding each other, after the divorce is complete and the dust has settled. I may be wrong. You are in the situation, not me, but I don't at any point get a sense from what you've said that this is anything but part of a process which will result in the dissolving of your marriage. The more you can reduce the impact of that on your future chances of friendship (and that happens often) during this process, is in my opinion, to the good. Getting involved in tempestuous arguments is unlikely to help that.

It's tough. I can only imagine what it must be like to have the heartbreak of a relationship ending and all this shit on top of it. But you are getting through it. That's what you are doing right now.

Maybe I am wrong, and talking would be a good thing to do. I don't know. But my instincts still tell me you should listen to your lawyers.

Can we have some input from people who've been through it?

Shawnee123 · 08-22-2007, 03:05 PM

My ex and I are friends, but it wasn't always easy. I hope you can get to that point, deuce. You have to be so very patient. Hang in there!

DanaC · 08-22-2007, 03:07 PM

Right now things are likely so fraught it may be difficult to interract 'normally'.

Shawnee123 · 08-22-2007, 03:10 PM

True, DanaC...sometimes you have to wait, move slowly...when you're in the middle of all this it is just too painful.

smurfalicious · 08-22-2007, 03:20 PM

If she hadn't filed a restraining order, I'd suggest counseling of some sort. It helps some people - not all people. Couples counseling helped me for awhile. Until I realized my husband just didn't have it in him to be honest - not with me, not himself, not the counselor, not anyone. Proof you both have to want it to work in order for it to work.

Which brings me to me next point: she doesn't want it to work. A restraining order is a pretty clear indication that she either (1) fears you and is removing you from her life, or (2) she's playing some kind of sick game because she wants it all on her terms, and do you really want any of that crazy-bitch action?

As long as there is a restraining order, do not have contact with the woman, even if she attempts to lure you into it. The law is clear, and there will be no excuse for you to violate the order, even if she initiates contact. She may be putting on a nice act to get you to do what she wants (i.e. make the divorce easy for her, and not rack up any more legal bills fighting her for it.) Actions speak louder than words, and right now her actions are divorcing and restraining you.

Letting go may be an option to consider here. Sometimes we want what we just can't have. I didn't want to get divorced. But I didn't want to be miserable more than that. It's not the end of the world. And it's been my experience that, for the most part, time heals all wounds. Have faith that this is happening for a reason - that Life is taking you in another direction than the one you were previously heading in, and one day it will all be clear to you.

Deuce · 08-22-2007, 04:38 PM

This was probably a mistake.

limey · 08-22-2007, 05:17 PM

Deuce, I can't comment on the US legal side of things, but I do agree with others that have posted here that it seems that your wife does not want the marriage to continue, and feels sufficiently strongly about it to set legal restrictions on your actions/contact with her and your child. As others have said this can only be for one of two reasons: either through actual fear of you, or through a wish to manipulate things to her own advantage. Only you can tell which of those is her motivation - think about it carefully. It's also worth repeating that if she is subjecting you to a restraining order which limits your contact with her, then it is hypocritical of her (at best) to be ringing you and urging you to contact her.
The best things I think you can do under the circumstances are to look out for yourself, get good legal advice, and never badmouth your wife to your child. Blake said it best - if you love something you must be able to let it go. Let your wife go.
I wish you strength, and the loving support of your friends and family at this most difficult of times.

kgg · 08-22-2007, 09:22 PM

It's been a while since Deuce mentioned her calling. Perhaps she hasn't for a while. And, Deuce, have you called her? You say you have been talking and that not all the talks have been bad. There must be some progress towards the good if you can call it that. Is she initiating all of your conversations or are you a willing partner?

I will still play the devil's advocate and give them both the benefit of the doubt. Not knowing either one, I will not condemn either. I hope things work our both both of you so that you may, hopefully, come out the other side as, perhaps, friends instead of enemies for your sons sake.

08-22-2007, 03:05 PM	#114
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	My ex and I are friends, but it wasn't always easy. I hope you can get to that point, deuce. You have to be so very patient. Hang in there! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-22-2007, 03:10 PM	#116
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	True, DanaC...sometimes you have to wait, move slowly...when you're in the middle of all this it is just too painful. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-22-2007, 03:20 PM	#117
smurfalicious Tool. Not the band - you are one. Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: 501 Northlake Blvd., North Palm Beach FL Posts: 329	If she hadn't filed a restraining order, I'd suggest counseling of some sort. It helps some people - not all people. Couples counseling helped me for awhile. Until I realized my husband just didn't have it in him to be honest - not with me, not himself, not the counselor, not anyone. Proof you both have to want it to work in order for it to work. Which brings me to me next point: she doesn't want it to work. A restraining order is a pretty clear indication that she either (1) fears you and is removing you from her life, or (2) she's playing some kind of sick game because she wants it all on her terms, and do you really want any of that crazy-bitch action? As long as there is a restraining order, do not have contact with the woman, even if she attempts to lure you into it. The law is clear, and there will be no excuse for you to violate the order, even if she initiates contact. She may be putting on a nice act to get you to do what she wants (i.e. make the divorce easy for her, and not rack up any more legal bills fighting her for it.) Actions speak louder than words, and right now her actions are divorcing and restraining you. Letting go may be an option to consider here. Sometimes we want what we just can't have. I didn't want to get divorced. But I didn't want to be miserable more than that. It's not the end of the world. And it's been my experience that, for the most part, time heals all wounds. Have faith that this is happening for a reason - that Life is taking you in another direction than the one you were previously heading in, and one day it will all be clear to you. __________________

08-22-2007, 05:17 PM	#119
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Deuce, I can't comment on the US legal side of things, but I do agree with others that have posted here that it seems that your wife does not want the marriage to continue, and feels sufficiently strongly about it to set legal restrictions on your actions/contact with her and your child. As others have said this can only be for one of two reasons: either through actual fear of you, or through a wish to manipulate things to her own advantage. Only you can tell which of those is her motivation - think about it carefully. It's also worth repeating that if she is subjecting you to a restraining order which limits your contact with her, then it is hypocritical of her (at best) to be ringing you and urging you to contact her. The best things I think you can do under the circumstances are to look out for yourself, get good legal advice, and never badmouth your wife to your child. Blake said it best - if you love something you must be able to let it go. Let your wife go. I wish you strength, and the loving support of your friends and family at this most difficult of times. __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

08-22-2007, 09:22 PM	#120
kgg A Friend Indeed Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Issaquah Posts: 42	It's been a while since Deuce mentioned her calling. Perhaps she hasn't for a while. And, Deuce, have you called her? You say you have been talking and that not all the talks have been bad. There must be some progress towards the good if you can call it that. Is she initiating all of your conversations or are you a willing partner? I will still play the devil's advocate and give them both the benefit of the doubt. Not knowing either one, I will not condemn either. I hope things work our both both of you so that you may, hopefully, come out the other side as, perhaps, friends instead of enemies for your sons sake. __________________ It was a rainy, stormy night.....

08-07-2007, 05:17 PM	#106
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Fear. F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal Fear is a POWERFUL motivator, and no one is immune. Not me, not you, not my wife, not our children. Have you ever been to the ocean? To the beach? I have many times, and it's a beautiful place. The beauty of the ocean can distract one from the power of the moving water. Power to crush and kill. Fear is like that. It has the power to overwhelm, and lately for me, it comes over me like big ocean waves. When I'm overtaken by one and being maytagged along the bottom, it feels like impending death. Hopeless. Each time (so far) I have managed to come up for air between waves, and to catch a little break or a reality check, between sets. I just broke the surface of the last monster to crush me, and the salty air never tasted so sweet. Someday, I hope to reach the shore, intact. I'll settle for being able to breathe for right now though.

08-07-2007, 06:02 PM	#107
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Here comes another one, a big one. Now is a good time to hyperventilate.

08-07-2007, 06:08 PM	#108
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Hang in there Deuce. smiles It gets easier the further you swim.

08-15-2007, 10:23 PM	#109
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Thinking about you man.

08-22-2007, 02:23 PM	#111
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	At the risk of stretching this metaphor to breaking point...you need to get to a different shore. I'm glad you posted though. I was just about to put out an APB on you :P

08-22-2007, 02:53 PM	#112
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	You're right. The metaphor is probably broken. But it is still true that I want to be with my family. Different shore, same shore, Dinah Shore, whatever. The one with my family--that's the one I'm heading toward. I'm not in jail yet, yay! We have had a few good talks, and a few good arguments. The talks were good because goodwill resulted from them. The arguements, not so much. They were "good" because they were rip roaring arguments. Not good, not productive. That right there, that inability to argue constructively is one of our biggest problems. We're for sure arguing now, still, but it's through expen$ive proxie$. Better we should just learn to work out our differences better. gah. who said it? somebbody said let them work it out. Man, that sounds appealing. I want to work it out, I just don't know how, when anything I say can be read as an attack on her. How do I do that? We have so much to go on, and we're stuck arguing about he said she said. It's really discouraging. Even at this stage, we need to communicate. I want to communicate. To make myself understood, and to understand her. At this point, we're talking with legal papers, and even those are confusing. Can't we just, you know, talk? Understand each other? How the hell do all you people do it? rkzenrage, you are excused from answering. I read many of your posts about how your brutal candor has eliminated all marital friction, speeding all husband and wife communication along shining steel rails unimpeded by any emotion. I'm not capable of that. My heart's in it, 100%. How would you all suggest I communicate with her? I'm not ready to file my own divorce papers yet, and the longer I can defer that decision, the better. That's not communicating, that's telling. I'm looking for some mode / method / magic trick that we can use to understand each other? I'm open to suggestions. Please.

08-22-2007, 02:59 PM	#113
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Honestly Deuce? I can't offer any advice on that. I think you stand more chance of understanding each other, after the divorce is complete and the dust has settled. I may be wrong. You are in the situation, not me, but I don't at any point get a sense from what you've said that this is anything but part of a process which will result in the dissolving of your marriage. The more you can reduce the impact of that on your future chances of friendship (and that happens often) during this process, is in my opinion, to the good. Getting involved in tempestuous arguments is unlikely to help that. It's tough. I can only imagine what it must be like to have the heartbreak of a relationship ending and all this shit on top of it. But you are getting through it. That's what you are doing right now. Maybe I am wrong, and talking would be a good thing to do. I don't know. But my instincts still tell me you should listen to your lawyers. Can we have some input from people who've been through it?

08-22-2007, 03:07 PM	#115
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Right now things are likely so fraught it may be difficult to interract 'normally'.

08-22-2007, 04:38 PM	#118
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	This was probably a mistake.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)