Humor...I Need Humor...

[Macfadyin]

Usual apologies if it's been done before



1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put theirpictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

[Macfadyin]

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out.


Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.


The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.


It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.


One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.


That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.


You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?


The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.


This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.


WARN YOUR FRIENDS!


P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.


Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.