Roommate issues

[Mockingbird]

I feel the need to rant a bit.

Sometime around August, my long time friend and co-conspirator, we'll call him Jack, lost his job and rent was coming due on his apartment. He didn't have any way to pay it and as we've been friends for a long time and we've helped each other out on several occasions, I suggested that he move in with me and we'd figure something out.

At that time, things weren't going super well for me. I had become frustrated with my last job for several reasons and walked out. I had about 200 dollars in my wallet, half a tank of gas and no real prospect of earning anything else any time soon.

Regardless, out of necessity, we struggled along and at the end of August I found a wonderful job. Jack had still not found a job but since he worked in a fairly specialized field and since he's also a workaholic, I told him to take a break and chill out. I let him know that as long as we could get by on my salary, there was no real rush to find a job.

September was difficult. Paying for my bills and his car payment to keep everything current plus food and expenses was getting pretty tough, but it was just edging on a month and a half at this point and I remembered my promise -- while my quality of life had decreased markedly, (i.e, neither my girlfriend or I can make pancakes naked while he sits on the couch) I decided it was no big deal and went on.

This month, he found a job and things got a lot better. But over the last few months things have been getting a little tense. I tend to be ... ah, well, I'm not a super clean person, but Jack is pretty dirty. While we both make good money (and about the same wage) I work a lot less than he does. As such, I try to keep up with more than my share of the housework. That's okay. But lately, he isn't helping at all. There have been a few other strange incidents where he acts a little oddly, for example sometimes we'll be talking about something and he'll blurt out some bit about, 'Well, you sleep on a bed, at least' or something similar. Then, tonight, I went over to a small gathering of a few friends and my girlfriend informs me that he had been venting to a friend of hers about 'how I acted better than him'.

Now. I have two modes of operation. In one mode, which is my general setting, I rationally lay things out on the table as I see them and try to deliberate a solution to the problem and make sure everyone is happy. I did this about a week ago when I asked about his odd behavior and asked him if there was anything wrong. He said things were fine and sort of clammed up about it. Granted, he's been diagnosed with PAPD (passive aggressive personality disorder) so he doesn't usually deal with face to face conversations very well.

My other mode of operation is eliminating whatever is pissing me off in a flurry of a billion fists. If whoever I'm talking to doesn't understand a nice, rational approach, then they will understand sudden and unprovoked violence. This is a natural law.


Sorry this is so long winded, but here is my problem. Jack is a good friend, but he seems to be having some sort of problem with me and he isn't telling me about it, even after trying to confront it. In addition, he seems to be talking about me behind my back and biting the hand that has fed him for the past two months. I really want to solve this with everyone happy. In general, we have a pretty good time around the apartment, I've even tried to set him up with some of my girlfriend's friends. I don't know what else I should do, here.

Do I have any other recourse other than telling him to get the fuck out? Please say yes and tell me how, folks. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to be treated poorly, either.

[BigV]

give me his number. I'll call him. You can play it any way you like. I'll be the bad guy. I'll be the new focus of his papd, which means bupkis to me, since I don't know him from adam's off ox.

Just frakin straight up, no chaser. Tell the man the facts. Of course, following up on your side of the deal is up to you. I have no credibility in that area. I talk a mean game, but I'm a luser when it comes to follow through. [/full disclosure]

Seriously, "Hey, Jack. We have to talk. Here's how I see things. A, B, C, etc. I want your input on this. If I don't get your input on these items, this will be the conclusion I have to draw, based on your choice to not engage me on these important subjects."

This has the beneficial effect of satisfying your need to explicitly state the issues as you see them, and your desires to engage him. His choice to respond, *even if it is silence*, which is still a response, is up to him. If he talks, great. You two can proceed from there. If he doesn't, he now knows that he has abdicated his responsibility in the matter to you. YOU get to choose the meaning of his papd silence. Pick how you would like to interpret it. silence == I'm moving out at the end of the month, and thanks for all the fish. or silence == I want to see these natural law fists of fury you punk ass bitch, or whatever. You take away from him the "control" of silence by telling him what his silence will be. You force him to either meet you in conversation, or let you pick the outcome. Both ways are wins for you. By the way, this strategy has endless replay value. if you talk then get stuck and you want to talk again...move the talking points and give the same outline. You still win. You both win.

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

Do I have any other recourse other than telling him to get the fuck out? Please say yes and tell me how, folks. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to be treated poorly, either.

I feel you have passed the cross roads in your attempt to talk with him as well as giving him the chance to air anything that he needs to say. At this point I would give him one more time to discuss things with him and then say I am sorry my friend but it is time for you to go. Reassure him that you have no hard feelings toward him but you can not go on co-habitation with him. It is affecting your love life and personal relationships with other people and that is not healthy IMHO. Financially you have done more than your part to help him get on his feet but it is time for him to move on now that he has work. Give him 2 weeks, then tell him he needs to be gone. Be nice, be professional, but understand that none of this may affect how he reacts to your ultimatum.

If after this final attempt you cannot get resolution tell him to get the fuck out and change all the locks.

[staceyv]

Eww- Passive aggressive disorder. I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years that was diagnosed with that. I feel sorry for you

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by Mockingbird

My other mode of operation is eliminating whatever is pissing me off in a flurry of a billion fists. If whoever I'm talking to doesn't understand a nice, rational approach, then they will understand sudden and unprovoked violence. This is a natural law.

This made me LOL. You are right, this is universally understood, though it usually does nothing to promote any further relationship with the person. Sometimes that can be a good thing.

I liked BigV's approach to the problem. Or, you could wait until you have another opening like the "well, at least you sleep in a bed" comment. You could respond that at any time, he is free to move out and get his own bed, you aren't responsible for supplying that for him. Though I suspect he would just clam up.
Still, BigV's method of bringing the dirty laundry to the table to fold in front of him is a good one. He can help fold it, or you can fold it however you want.

We had Hubby's sis and her husband living with us for months. 9 and 7 months. We handled it badly, because we didn't want to upset his Sis, she wasn't prodding her hubby enough and it was just a general all around mess. I finally hit the wall and gave them an out-date. Then, when they moved out and still let it all fall apart, I didn't let them move back in.
Tough.

I know it is hard, you want to help, but helping him is hurting you. Your good deed may be the ruin of this friendship...but if it is...then I can't think the friendship was that strong to begin with.
Help him on his way out your door. It is time for him to pull on his big-boy panties and do it on his own.

Just put his mess in his room until you can evict him. He has a job now.

[Mockingbird]

I waited a bit to post this to see if he would relapse, but I think we have a solution.

Basically, I went up to him and said, "Put yourself in my position..." And explained everything that has been going on since he moved in. I let him know that given the choices that he was giving me that we would either have to figure something out or he would have to leave.

Since then, we've budgeted everything where we're both paying things equally, he's helping me around the house and he set up a payment plan to pay me back for the time I was supporting him. Meanwhile, he's been a lot more pleasant to be around and I got an apology.

I'm usually not optimistic, but I think we fixed this. Thanks, folks.

[Sundae]

It's a day for good news all round!
Pleased you sorted things.

[Aliantha]

I have one more suggestion which might be worth considering.

Since you're a couple of bachelors and you're both on the untidy side but earning decent money, why don't you think about getting a cleaner in once a week?

At least that might relieve the stress of dividing up the shitty chores.

[Mockingbird]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

I have one more suggestion which might be worth considering.

Since you're a couple of bachelors and you're both on the untidy side but earning decent money, why don't you think about getting a cleaner in once a week?

At least that might relieve the stress of dividing up the shitty chores.

Yeah, it's pretty much how we solved this. lol.

[staceyv]

What a nice happy ending Good for you!