What resources are there to support married couples?

[BigV]

There are a variety of support resources for individuals, and plenty of specialized resources for narrowly focused needs, or unusual combinations of needs. But I have not found much in the way of resources that support the COUPLE, in marriage. Support each individual, sure. But precious little that the union, itself, in anything close to the support for each individual person.

I'm really drawing a blank here, and I am in need, urgently.

The veneration of the individual absolutely trumps everything else, in my experience of support resources. I am all for individuals, in fact, I *am* one. And I understand the fundamental truth that groups are made up of individuals, even groups as small as marriages. That the quality of the individual, and their contribution to the group, has a direct effect on the quality and success of the group.

But there are many examples of resources for the support of groups, or teams, but I know of none for marriages. We need some coaching, some tutoring, some mentoring for this grand adventure. But I cannot find it. All suggestions welcome.

[DanaC]

Are there not 'marriage counsellors'? I assume you've already looked for online community groups for this purpose. There are usually some good ones out there for most experiences you may be going through. If they are out there they'll have a message board and you may be able to source some real world help via that.

's all i got mate. Hope you can find what you need.

[BigV]

Marriage Builders

Hit number one. Much to read, seems very very appealing for my goal.

[Clodfobble]

In the arena of marriage counselors in general, there are many who focus on the couple rather than the two individuals. If you don't like one, try another. There are as many styles of counseling as there are couples. Larger churches also often provide groups with other couples experiencing the same things.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Are there not 'marriage counsellors'? I assume you've already looked for online community groups for this purpose. There are usually some good ones out there for most experiences you may be going through. If they are out there they'll have a message board and you may be able to source some real world help via that.

's all i got mate. Hope you can find what you need.

At this link, you'll find this excerpt. It matches my sad experience perfectly.

But much to my disappointment, the courses, books, articles and even the mentor did not offer me a plan that even tried to improve marriages. Much of what I learned was to help couples make the most of their upcoming and inevitable divorce! There was almost a deliberate effort to demonstrate that the couple should never have married in the first place, and that divorce was their best choice for future happiness and fulfillment.

At that time, the devastating effects of divorce on children were not understood, and counselors were telling couples that their children would do better after their divorce because they would not be subjected to all of the fighting that was going on. No one seemed interested in teaching the couple to STOP FIGHTING!

The "marriage counselors" I've encountered have been sympathetic, and articulate, but have not placed and emphasis or value on our marriage. The lines above in bold text... my experience. It's not working, it's not what I want, and I'm not buying it anymore. It has value to the limited extent that I gain skills to increase my self awareness. And I use those skills to see even more clearly how unhappy I am at the what mess I'm making of my marriage. Gee. Thanks.

[Spexxvet]

You would think that an administration that seeks to "protect the sanctity of marriage" would help to protect it by having some sort of support mechanism in place. They've only had 7 years to do it.

[Shawnee123]

What, Spexx, you never heard of lip service?

[aimeecc]

There's Marriage Enrichment programs. Our priest passed around a brochure for a Marriage Enrichment Retreat - "this program offers tips and guidance on keeping a marriage strong and nurturing a lasting love. The retreat will serve as a platform for couples to communicate and spend time together in a very comfortable setting. The 2 day retreat will include the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP®) as well as other lessons that concentrate on knowing your soul mate, disciplines of a healthy family, stress reduction and much more. This is not therapy. The Marriage Enrichment
Retreat is a way to enhance what already is good in your individual relationship!"
So I would assume PREP is a national commercial program of some sort for couples.

[aimeecc]

http://www.prepinc.com/main/about_us.asp
"PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) is one of the most comprehensive and well respected divorce-prevention/marriage enhancing programs in the world. PREP is a skills and principles-building curriculum designed to help partners say what they need to say, get to the heart of problems, and increase their connection with each other."

[Cloud]

Books. Sure there are plenty of 'em.

Churches offer couples counseling, do they not?

Check local community colleges for enrichment classes--there might be one for marriage or couples, you never know.

[smoothmoniker]

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

You would think that an administration that seeks to "protect the sanctity of marriage" would help to protect it by having some sort of support mechanism in place. They've only had 7 years to do it.

How in the hell is this the job of the state?

[Shawnee123]

Same way mental health issues are, if it has been touted as something that needs protection and declared to be so very important...where are the programs?

[BigV]

Divorce Busting is my second hit. I'll go back in a minute to explore the intervening posts; for now, thank you. Writing the thread opener was useful to me in that I .... accidentally hit upon the word "coach". This was a lucky stroke for me, it has produced some leads that are more specifically what I want--help with our marriage.

This second link I found had this excerpt which resonated loudly with me:

1 -- Take a deep breath.

We know this is the most difficult time in your life, but we are going to help you come up with a plan to save your marriage and feel better right away. Divorce Busting® coaching is for you if:

* Your marriage is in trouble and you want to feel closer to your spouse.
* You are on the brink of divorce, or even in the midst of divorce proceedings.
* You and your spouse live under one roof but are emotionally disconnected.
* You're currently separated and may have little contact with your spouse.
* There has been infidelity and/or an emotional affair.
* You frequently have the same old arguments about sex, money, communication styles, parenting, step-families, extended family, friends, how free time is spent, religion, and so on.

2 -- Stop pressuring your spouse to work on your marriage.

It's natural to try to persuade your spouse to stop being so pessimistic about your marriage and to commit to working things out. However, you've probably noticed that the more you've tried to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, the more your efforts have backfired. So, the first thing you need to do is to stop lecturing, pleading, crying, or pressuring, sending flowers, cards or heart-felt letters. You're actually pushing your spouse out the door!

3 --Know there's a more productive way to get through to your spouse.

People who are successful in life, don't work harder, they work smarter. It's not that you haven't been trying hard enough; it's just that you haven't been doing the right things to get through to your spouse. Your Divorce Busting® coach will help you figure out exactly what you need to do or say differently to get things back on track. Plus, Divorce Busting® coaching is for you. You don't need to ask your spouse to speak to your coach. By changing your approach, you will learn how to improve your relationship without his/her participation.

[aimeecc]

Best of luck to you!
I think the key to a great marriage is that each person needs to want to make their mate happy. If you don't want your mate to be happy... then are you right for each other? Each and every day I want to bring a smile to my husbands face, to see the twinkle in his eyes. And he wants to make me happy. To make him happy... I don't need to buy him a new set of golf clubs every day, or anything like that. Its getting him a coke before he asks - because I already know he wants one. Its flipping to UFC after he's had a long day and just wants to not think for a while. Its surprising him with a card and a new picture of our son to take to work. Its finding a sale on fishing equipment for him. And he does the same for me, with the things he knows will bring a smile on my face. Doing the dishes without me asking him to... flipping to a history program when he knows thats what I want to watch... cleaning my car, just because. Nothing makes my heart smile like seeing him smile.

[lookout123]

most counselors are focused on helping individuals through their individual issues. that is necessary in the long term but often the marriage will be sacrificed along the way. You need to get on the phone and start talking to counselors - ask them straight out "Is your primary focus the individual or reconstruction of a healthy marriage?" Most will start spouting drivel. Thank them for their time then continue on to the next. When you find someone who acknowledges the difference ask some questions, if they aren't exactly what you are looking for they will most likely refer you to someone they know that does specialize. The most important thing to remember that a marriage cannot work if the both people do not want it to work. Seems like common sense but it's a tough pill to swallow.

If the idea of faith or God playing a role in your life/marriage seems hokey or foolish stop here. Good luck and best wishes.

If you are open to the idea continue on. If you don't even know where to start and the phone book seems too daunting then go the largest non-denominational church in your area and ask to speak with their counseling or marriage pastor. Most of the big churches have someone that fills that type of role. He/she will have a list of resources. Most likely several marriage counselors. The benefit of using a counselor who bases their practice on Biblical principles is that they generally place a much higher priority on fixing/building the marriage you are in and only see divorce as preferable in cases of abuse, etc.

A book that may be useful to you is Hope For The Separated by Gary Chapman. Good book but understand that this is the same author that wrote the 28 million different versions of The Five Love Languages... so it is very Bible based.