leaving my husband

lushchocolateswirl · 05-01-2008, 08:02 PM

well I have one more week left in my home.

I have to move out with the kids. (domestic violence scenario) it's hard and I dont' know how to be anything else but a policemans wife . Everything is in his name so i have no assests or money on hand. It's been twenty years since i've been single ........this is going to be hard.

binky · 05-01-2008, 08:25 PM

I've been there lush, and while hard at first, it's not as hard as staying in that kind of relationship. Please get a good lawyer, you don't deserve to walk away penniless.

Cicero · 05-01-2008, 08:40 PM

Do they have alimony in Australia? Officially you would be a homemaker which is worth something to the people in the U.S. Don't be a beating post and penniless...Do not!

Aliantha · 05-01-2008, 08:49 PM

Do you have somewhere to stay till there's a settlement Lush? Have you spoken to a solicitor? It's possible that if you're going to have custody of the kids, you will get to keep the house. Also, are you aware that if you leave with the kids, the onus is on him to sue you for visitation rights or custody etc? When you've left him, don't let him even so much as take the kids to McDonalds unless you really believe he's going to bring them back to you (and even then I wouldn't), otherwise you'll have to go through the expense and trouble of sueing him to get them back. In Australia, unless there's a formal custody arrangement, the person who has the children in their care is deemed to be the parent with custody. You should also notify their school that they're not to leave with him. The school is then obliged to follow your instructions until notified otherwise by a court order.

Unless you had a prenup there's no reason why you wont get half of everything even if you have not worked the whole time you've been married...maybe more if you're awarded custody of the kids, if he chooses to challenge that.

Good luck with it all. If it's the right thing for you to do, then don't give in...and don't let him talk you around to staying.

Can I just clarify...your husband is a cop and you're leaving him because of domestic violence? Are his coworkers aware of the situation? If not and no one else much knows, things are likely to go very much in your favour when it comes to settling the dispute and organizing custody of the kids.

Shawnee123 · 05-02-2008, 07:47 AM

Someday you'll look back, when it's all behind you, and feel really good about your decision. As hard as it is, and I know it is, I applaud you for making this move.

I'm focusing all my happy thoughts on you today. I know what those years do to you, to the very core of your being.

Find yourself, love yourself and your kids.

Hang in there.

Stormieweather · 05-02-2008, 01:18 PM

Hugs Lush...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there and know how hard it is. If you need some support from those who truly understand and will be there for you every step of the way - This site is one I help moderate. Although it's focus is on verbal and emotional abuse, they seem to go hand-in-hand with domestic violence a lot of the time. The site is a great resource for those with questions, concerns, and trying to recover and heal from abusive situations.

If you want to PM me, here or there, please feel free. After two abusive marriages, I really do know how rough it is. You're on your way to a better future though, there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Stormie

DanaC · 05-02-2008, 05:01 PM

Oh honey, that's a shit thing to have to do *hugs* You can do this lush. And there will come a time when you are comfortable being single again. Just keep taking the next step and you'll walk yourself and your children into a much happier life.

If you feel like you're wavering come and talk to someone here who's been through similar experiences or touchbase with the site Storm just posted. You can do this.

Cloud · 05-02-2008, 05:05 PM

this has got to be one of the toughest situations a woman has to face, and I feel for you. I hope you have a good support network; if not--we'll help!

limey · 05-03-2008, 04:16 PM

Hugs to you lush. We are here for you.

lushchocolateswirl · 05-04-2008, 08:03 PM

thanks guys . I tried that link And I can see myself sitting on the board but cannot access anything . I've sent an email to the board admin but it just bounces back.

For my part the social workers have step in to help me get into a transitional house ....but the new way centrelink does things now has made the situation worse. There is no money and I'm rural so no jobs and I have to find at least 15 hours work a week now . I dont' know what to do. I'm not taking an intervention order out on him, that would achieve nothing. and while there are social workers paying attention to me he won't do anything to me. He'd fight it to the teeth anyway, because of the new laws.

xoxoxoBruce · 05-04-2008, 10:12 PM

Quote:

I'm not taking an intervention order out on him, that would achieve nothing.

Wouldn't that provide a permanent record of your distress?

kerosene · 05-05-2008, 11:59 AM

I am so sorry for this situation, lush. I hope that you can find some peace away from this person and begin again with a fresh sense of self esteem. Abusive people can be so extremely destructive. But, you are rebuilding and you ought to be proud!

The restraining order may not be necessary for keeping him away from you, but it may be something to indicate the seriousness of the situation. Who knows, you may need it.

Elspode · 05-05-2008, 12:29 PM

There is never a good reason for violence in the home. Your first priority is the safety of you and your children. I *do* agree with Bruce - an order of protection, while only as protective as the thickness of the piece of paper it is written on, establishes a baseline for the legal dealings to come which will eventually establish security for you and your kids.

If your husband is a cop, and he is also a wifebeater, the first thing I would do is to get your solicitor looking into his service record to see if there is any pattern of excessive use of force in the line of duty. Trends and patterns are very important in establishing bonafides in divorces due to abuse.

Please be safe, and be strong. This bunch here in The Cellar have strong shoulders, use 'em frequently and well.

TheMercenary · 05-05-2008, 01:59 PM

I am sorry for your situation. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

05-01-2008, 08:02 PM	#1
lushchocolateswirl Hi just me Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 108	leaving my husband well I have one more week left in my home. I have to move out with the kids. (domestic violence scenario) it's hard and I dont' know how to be anything else but a policemans wife . Everything is in his name so i have no assests or money on hand. It's been twenty years since i've been single ........this is going to be hard. __________________ silence is golden , duct tape is silver

05-01-2008, 08:25 PM	#2
binky all hollowed out Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ridgecrest, CA Posts: 982	I've been there lush, and while hard at first, it's not as hard as staying in that kind of relationship. Please get a good lawyer, you don't deserve to walk away penniless. __________________ The meanest Mom EVER!!!!

05-01-2008, 08:40 PM	#3
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	Do they have alimony in Australia? Officially you would be a homemaker which is worth something to the people in the U.S. Don't be a beating post and penniless...Do not! __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung Last edited by Cicero; 05-01-2008 at 09:37 PM.

05-01-2008, 08:49 PM	#4
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Do you have somewhere to stay till there's a settlement Lush? Have you spoken to a solicitor? It's possible that if you're going to have custody of the kids, you will get to keep the house. Also, are you aware that if you leave with the kids, the onus is on him to sue you for visitation rights or custody etc? When you've left him, don't let him even so much as take the kids to McDonalds unless you really believe he's going to bring them back to you (and even then I wouldn't), otherwise you'll have to go through the expense and trouble of sueing him to get them back. In Australia, unless there's a formal custody arrangement, the person who has the children in their care is deemed to be the parent with custody. You should also notify their school that they're not to leave with him. The school is then obliged to follow your instructions until notified otherwise by a court order. Unless you had a prenup there's no reason why you wont get half of everything even if you have not worked the whole time you've been married...maybe more if you're awarded custody of the kids, if he chooses to challenge that. Good luck with it all. If it's the right thing for you to do, then don't give in...and don't let him talk you around to staying. Can I just clarify...your husband is a cop and you're leaving him because of domestic violence? Are his coworkers aware of the situation? If not and no one else much knows, things are likely to go very much in your favour when it comes to settling the dispute and organizing custody of the kids. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-02-2008, 07:47 AM	#5
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Someday you'll look back, when it's all behind you, and feel really good about your decision. As hard as it is, and I know it is, I applaud you for making this move. I'm focusing all my happy thoughts on you today. I know what those years do to you, to the very core of your being. Find yourself, love yourself and your kids. Hang in there. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

05-02-2008, 01:18 PM	#6
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	Hugs Lush...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there and know how hard it is. If you need some support from those who truly understand and will be there for you every step of the way - This site is one I help moderate. Although it's focus is on verbal and emotional abuse, they seem to go hand-in-hand with domestic violence a lot of the time. The site is a great resource for those with questions, concerns, and trying to recover and heal from abusive situations. If you want to PM me, here or there, please feel free. After two abusive marriages, I really do know how rough it is. You're on your way to a better future though, there is light at the end of this tunnel. Stormie __________________ "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi

05-02-2008, 05:01 PM	#7
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Oh honey, that's a shit thing to have to do hugs You can do this lush. And there will come a time when you are comfortable being single again. Just keep taking the next step and you'll walk yourself and your children into a much happier life. If you feel like you're wavering come and talk to someone here who's been through similar experiences or touchbase with the site Storm just posted. You can do this.

05-02-2008, 05:05 PM	#8
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	this has got to be one of the toughest situations a woman has to face, and I feel for you. I hope you have a good support network; if not--we'll help! __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

05-03-2008, 04:16 PM	#9
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Hugs to you lush. We are here for you. __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

05-04-2008, 08:03 PM	#10
lushchocolateswirl Hi just me Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 108	thanks guys . I tried that link And I can see myself sitting on the board but cannot access anything . I've sent an email to the board admin but it just bounces back. For my part the social workers have step in to help me get into a transitional house ....but the new way centrelink does things now has made the situation worse. There is no money and I'm rural so no jobs and I have to find at least 15 hours work a week now . I dont' know what to do. I'm not taking an intervention order out on him, that would achieve nothing. and while there are social workers paying attention to me he won't do anything to me. He'd fight it to the teeth anyway, because of the new laws. __________________ silence is golden , duct tape is silver

05-05-2008, 11:59 AM	#12
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	I am so sorry for this situation, lush. I hope that you can find some peace away from this person and begin again with a fresh sense of self esteem. Abusive people can be so extremely destructive. But, you are rebuilding and you ought to be proud! The restraining order may not be necessary for keeping him away from you, but it may be something to indicate the seriousness of the situation. Who knows, you may need it.

05-05-2008, 12:29 PM	#13
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	There is never a good reason for violence in the home. Your first priority is the safety of you and your children. I do agree with Bruce - an order of protection, while only as protective as the thickness of the piece of paper it is written on, establishes a baseline for the legal dealings to come which will eventually establish security for you and your kids. If your husband is a cop, and he is also a wifebeater, the first thing I would do is to get your solicitor looking into his service record to see if there is any pattern of excessive use of force in the line of duty. Trends and patterns are very important in establishing bonafides in divorces due to abuse. Please be safe, and be strong. This bunch here in The Cellar have strong shoulders, use 'em frequently and well. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

05-05-2008, 01:59 PM	#14
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	I am sorry for your situation. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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