June 9, 2008: Wedding Cake

[RellikLaerec]

The cake maker is obviously from Italy! It's venison!

[Imigo Jones]

Originally Posted by sweetwater

The article doesn't mention the difference, if any, between male and female jackalopes.

SW, that's because there are no female jackalopes, just as there are no female bucks. There are, however, jillalopes.



Eighteenth-century depiction of adolescent jillalopes harnessed to transport parents

Jillalopes were long considered subhuman in Western “civilization” and, when large enough, put to labor usually reserved for horses and cattle. With advances in surgical techniques and the virtual elimination of postoperative infection, jillalopes can now be safely deantlered in a procedure known as an antlerectomy.

Deantlerization cannot be performed, however, until the jillalope reaches physical maturity and her antlers have shed their velvet, typically at age 14 to 16. Premature antlerectomy (or accidental breakage) causes two more pairs of antlers to sprout in the place of the single pair. Recent research into antler-suppressing hormones, which prevent the formation of antler tissue, seems promising, though only on second-generation (postantlerectomy) tissue.

Antiantler hormones are not currently available outside strictly controlled research studies. Pharmaceutical giant Eli Jilly & Co. is prepared to market antiantler hormones under the trade name Lernaea™ as soon as FDA approval is given. Many parents of jillalopes urge the FDA to waive the normal lengthy testing requirements for new-drug approval, making help available to all sooner than later.

We will then see Jillalopes given antlerectomies as youngsters; maybe someday the pedicular tissue giving rise to antlers can be removed while the jillalope is yet esconced in the womb. With Lernaea™, the antler tissue won't return, and the jillalope will by all outward appearances look like a "normal" girl and be able to live a full, normal life.

Lernaea™ should not be taken by jillalopes who are nursing, pregnant, or who are thinking about becoming pregnant.
Side effects of taking Lernaea™ may include watery eyes, dry eyes, itchy eyes; double vision, blurred vision, cloudy vision, tunnel vision, and visions.
Other side effects may include partial color blindness, change in iris color; cornea smut, algae bloom in the aqueous humour, fluorescence of the vitreous humour; long, full, voluminous lashes, . . . [several hundred potential side effects omitted for sake of pithiness] . . . , and parthenogenic pregnancy.
Talk to your doctor about whether taking Lernaea™ is right for you.

Although modern society pays lip service to the value of diversity and the acceptance of jillalopes, almost all are still stigmatized and discriminated against from birth through the time of deantlerization (or beyond) for a condition they cannot help. On the surface this may seem to be blatant bigotry, but history shows that parents of non-jillalopism-challenged girls have legitimate concerns: grievous tine-caused injuries occur somewhere every day at daycare, at the playground--anyplace jillalopes mix with normal girls.

As if the antlers alone weren't dangerous enough, jillalopes possess an unbecoming aggression more typical of jackalopes and boys, believed to be due to the natural, testosteronelike hormonal cocktail that induces pedicle and antler development in the first place. The antlers only get larger and give rise to more points, and the hormones only more strongly sociopathogenic, with time.



Class picture at the Hillcrest Developmental Academy for Special-Needs Girls,
formerly the Hillcrest Home for Wayward Jillalopes

Jillalopes are thus usually segregated into all-jillalope institutions by the age of 5 or 6. In recent years there has been a growing movement to mainstream them into regular public schools, but in all but a handful of American states and northern European countries, this is generally regarded as just "too P.C." an experiment when you're talking about the safety of non-jillalopes.

The deantlered postadolescent jillalope--her surgical scars camouflaged by a fashionable hat or lovely scarf, her aggressive tendencies reduced by medication to a level deemed manageable by her parents, doctors, and school officials--may feel ready to enter the exciting world of the typical teen and, after thorough counseling, enrol at her local high school. "Wow, hey, guys! You going to watch the Camp Rock premiere next week? The Jonas Brothers are so-o-o-o dreamy! I am so going to poke Demi Lovato's eyes out and marry Joe!" High school is a time for growth and discovery--and don't forget fun! Every girl--antlered or not--deserves a chance to experience it.

Most jillalopes are reluctant to admit to their new friends that in their past lives they were so "different," though, so when asked, "How come you didn't go to Sami Sosa Middle School with everybody?" or "Why didn't I see you around here at Wilma Rudolph High last year?" a jillalope will typically say something like "Oh, we just moved here" or "I used to go to parochial school."

[spudcon]

Thank you, IJ, I didn't realize this kind of discrimination was still happening here anymore. I think it's time we make reparations to all the families of jillalopes. I'm surprised Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition hasn't been pressuring the networks to publicize this disgrace.

[val5150]

Great article Imigo Jones!

Now,I have to wonder if the bride knew that she was being represented as a hermaphrodite on her wedding cake!

[Gravdigr]

Two wedding cake pics I couldn't find a better place for...

An iPhone cake: iDo?

Van Gogh's Starry Night? I woulda thought Munch's 'The Scream' would be a better fit...

[SPUCK]

That Van Gogh cake is heinous!