Crossing Paths Twice in a lifetime...

Mac_The_Handicapper · 12-19-2008, 06:33 PM

I had a relationship previously with someone who was a broken person. She had been through verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. While we were in a relationship I found that aside from being her lover/friend and what not, I was also her social worker. What I mean by that is I was trying to rebuild this person into reaching her full potential. Doing so also was the downfall of the other aspects in the relationship. Now things have since soured and we are no longer on speaking terms, because of the hurt that I suffered throughout the breakup. I have since heard that she is doing much better for herself through a mutual friend.

I have not ever since been able to get over this female, because in my honest opinion the only problem was timing. The fact that I had to be her social worker/father/companion all in one, it took away from us enjoying a REAL relationship.

So my question is this, if two people who crossed paths at one point in time in their life, cross paths again, is it possible for them to Rebuild a relationship?

And Should I be the one to actively start contact with this person again or should I let the cards fall as they may?

morethanpretty · 12-19-2008, 07:47 PM

There are a lot of factors that go into making that decision I think.
You have to consider how long its been since ya'll parted ways.
Have you completely healed from the pain of the breakup.
Have you forgiven her completely.
If it happens again (a lot of people suffer relapses and setbacks of old habits/behaviours) will that end the relationship again.
She is doing "better" but depending on how bad she was doing before, she might still need the emotional support of a social worker/father/companion. Are you willing to be that again.
Consider that she might not be ready to start/restart a relationship because she's still somewhat emotionally unstable.

Yes I think it is perfectly reasonable to try to "fan an old flame." I think before you try again, you need to make sure you're emotionally ready for it. I think all relationships should get a fresh start, new or rekindled. To me, since you say never were able to get over her, I think you're still harboring some of the past regret/pain/ect. You need to make sure ya'll get a fresh start. How hard have you tried to move on? How long has it been?

footfootfoot · 12-19-2008, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mac_The_Handicapper

snip

So my question is this, if two people who crossed paths at one point in time in their life, cross paths again, is it possible for them to Rebuild a relationship?

And Should I be the one to actively start contact with this person again or should I let the cards fall as they may?

a) No. But feel free to prove me wrong by arguing the exception.
b) No.
c) Yes.

I went through a similar phase in my life and decided I didn't want any more "girlfriend kits" (some assembly required) I decided I was worth a "turnkey relationship."

Dude, there's like 5 or 6 billion people in the world. how fucking special could she possibly be? One in a million?and on any given day there are 8 more just like her in Manhattan.

DanaC · 12-19-2008, 09:03 PM

I think there'd be an awful danger that old patterns would begin to resurface and potentially destabilise her. Personally, except in exceptional cases, I don't think you can go back once you've really moved apart.

Pico and ME · 12-19-2008, 09:11 PM

Mac, you are just going through wishful thinking. Been there, done that and as I recall it really sucks, because even as you are doing it, you know its fucked up.

Time really is a healer. Give it more time.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-20-2008, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mac_The_Handicapper

What I mean by that is I was trying to rebuild this person into reaching her full potential. Doing so also was the downfall of the other aspects in the relationship.

The trouble with fixer uppers is you can't keep them... it just isn't in the cards.

Aliantha · 12-20-2008, 02:46 AM

I'd say no. I was in a similar situation once.

A boyfriend who treated me badly throughout our relationship in many of the usual ways and who seemed unable to keep a job and who smoked dope constantly and drank every single day of his life on top of that was the culprit.

We broke up, and about 12 months later his sister got married. She invited me to the wedding and it was a big set up right from the start. I had to sit next to him and his father spent the evening telling me how much they all missed me and then later in the evening he (ex) asked me to take him back and that he'd give up the dope and stop drinking and that he now had a steady job.

I thought about it for a while, but in the end, I decided the reasons I had left him for were very valid and that I'd always remember the terrible things that happened during the course of the relationship. It wasn't worth the risk to me considering the new life I'd built for myself without him in it.

I'd recommend thinking about that sort of thing yourself before even thinking about considering calling her.

skysidhe · 12-20-2008, 12:13 PM

Your first paragraph belies the second.

If timing was the problem then why mention the first set of problems? and most glaringly to me the mention of YOUR hurts to the exclusion of the other person.

I'd say there is a definate lack of empathy to build any kind of relationship here esp since she is 'all fixed up now.' No body can ever be fixed up enough if that is the starting point of a relationship.

I doubt that anyone skipping out on someone because of all the sacrifices one has made to the poor wretch and then perhaps finding her favorable without realizing the others pain in parting too is a recipe for disaster.

Believe me. Never help out a women to bolster your own sense of self worth and when there is no sense of worth for the other person it is just narcissistic. Even the idea of the perception of a women who is 'doing ok now' says it is just a false image.

I have given men too a second chance and I regret it to the bottom of my soul and cringe I ever did so.

Please excuse the long post. I wish I were eloquent or concise. bruce...sums it best I guess.

Cicero · 12-20-2008, 02:19 PM

Yes, you did it all. She owes you everything obviously. You should stalk her.

Really if you couldn't handle her when she was down, you have no right to try and jump in when she is up. Sunshine lover.

I bet you had your baggage. Totally. Admit it.

Oooh aren't I pleasant today?

No offense there buddy, but it's really hard not to say something when things sound really wrong. Maybe you should have changed too?

I just copied this from Clod's lyrics in the wtf song lyric thread. Good "timing".

You're way on top now
Since you left me
You're always laughin'
Way down at me
But watch out now
I'm gonna get there
We'll be together
For just a little while
And then I'm gonna put you
Way down here
And you'll start cryin'
Ninety-six tears
Cry
Cry

footfootfoot · 12-20-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero

Yes, you did it all. She owes you everything obviously. You should stalk her.

Really if you couldn't handle her when she was down, you have no right to try and jump in when she is up. Sunshine lover.

I bet you had your baggage. Totally. Admit it.

Oooh aren't I pleasant today?

No offense there buddy, but it's really hard not to say something when things sound really wrong. Maybe you should have changed too?

I just copied this from Clod's lyrics in the wtf song lyric thread. Good "timing".

You're way on top now
Since you left me
You're always laughin'
Way down at me
But watch out now
I'm gonna get there
We'll be together
For just a little while
And then I'm gonna put you
Way down here
And you'll start cryin'
Ninety-six tears
Cry
Cry
Not that I'm bitter

fixed it for you!

wolf · 12-21-2008, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mac_The_Handicapper

I have not ever since been able to get over this female, because in my honest opinion the only problem was timing. The fact that I had to be her social worker/father/companion all in one, it took away from us enjoying a REAL relationship.

Please note the highlighted portion.

If you want to repeat this cycle with her, over and over and over again until you either get tired of her shit and leave her or her cry for attention suicide attempt becomes a real one, don't go back. Oh, and don't try to do this for anybody else. You can't fix people.

My mentor told me, "Sympathy is sexy." He always said Norman Mailer said it.

Trilby · 12-21-2008, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

My mentor told me, "Sympathy is sexy." He always said Norman Mailer said it.

Norman Mailer was a sexist asshat like Hemingway (blech) and Philip Roth (double blech)

That being said, all my men think "Apotheosis is sexy." HA!

12-19-2008, 06:33 PM	#1
Mac_The_Handicapper Profitable Prophet Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 30	Crossing Paths Twice in a lifetime... I had a relationship previously with someone who was a broken person. She had been through verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. While we were in a relationship I found that aside from being her lover/friend and what not, I was also her social worker. What I mean by that is I was trying to rebuild this person into reaching her full potential. Doing so also was the downfall of the other aspects in the relationship. Now things have since soured and we are no longer on speaking terms, because of the hurt that I suffered throughout the breakup. I have since heard that she is doing much better for herself through a mutual friend. I have not ever since been able to get over this female, because in my honest opinion the only problem was timing. The fact that I had to be her social worker/father/companion all in one, it took away from us enjoying a REAL relationship. So my question is this, if two people who crossed paths at one point in time in their life, cross paths again, is it possible for them to Rebuild a relationship? And Should I be the one to actively start contact with this person again or should I let the cards fall as they may?

12-19-2008, 07:47 PM	#2
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	There are a lot of factors that go into making that decision I think. You have to consider how long its been since ya'll parted ways. Have you completely healed from the pain of the breakup. Have you forgiven her completely. If it happens again (a lot of people suffer relapses and setbacks of old habits/behaviours) will that end the relationship again. She is doing "better" but depending on how bad she was doing before, she might still need the emotional support of a social worker/father/companion. Are you willing to be that again. Consider that she might not be ready to start/restart a relationship because she's still somewhat emotionally unstable. Yes I think it is perfectly reasonable to try to "fan an old flame." I think before you try again, you need to make sure you're emotionally ready for it. I think all relationships should get a fresh start, new or rekindled. To me, since you say never were able to get over her, I think you're still harboring some of the past regret/pain/ect. You need to make sure ya'll get a fresh start. How hard have you tried to move on? How long has it been? __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

12-20-2008, 02:46 AM	#7
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I'd say no. I was in a similar situation once. A boyfriend who treated me badly throughout our relationship in many of the usual ways and who seemed unable to keep a job and who smoked dope constantly and drank every single day of his life on top of that was the culprit. We broke up, and about 12 months later his sister got married. She invited me to the wedding and it was a big set up right from the start. I had to sit next to him and his father spent the evening telling me how much they all missed me and then later in the evening he (ex) asked me to take him back and that he'd give up the dope and stop drinking and that he now had a steady job. I thought about it for a while, but in the end, I decided the reasons I had left him for were very valid and that I'd always remember the terrible things that happened during the course of the relationship. It wasn't worth the risk to me considering the new life I'd built for myself without him in it. I'd recommend thinking about that sort of thing yourself before even thinking about considering calling her. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

12-20-2008, 12:13 PM	#8
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Your first paragraph belies the second. If timing was the problem then why mention the first set of problems? and most glaringly to me the mention of YOUR hurts to the exclusion of the other person. I'd say there is a definate lack of empathy to build any kind of relationship here esp since she is 'all fixed up now.' No body can ever be fixed up enough if that is the starting point of a relationship. I doubt that anyone skipping out on someone because of all the sacrifices one has made to the poor wretch and then perhaps finding her favorable without realizing the others pain in parting too is a recipe for disaster. Believe me. Never help out a women to bolster your own sense of self worth and when there is no sense of worth for the other person it is just narcissistic. Even the idea of the perception of a women who is 'doing ok now' says it is just a false image. I have given men too a second chance and I regret it to the bottom of my soul and cringe I ever did so. Please excuse the long post. I wish I were eloquent or concise. bruce...sums it best I guess. Last edited by skysidhe; 12-20-2008 at 12:18 PM.

12-20-2008, 02:19 PM	#9
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	Yes, you did it all. She owes you everything obviously. You should stalk her. Really if you couldn't handle her when she was down, you have no right to try and jump in when she is up. Sunshine lover. I bet you had your baggage. Totally. Admit it. Oooh aren't I pleasant today? No offense there buddy, but it's really hard not to say something when things sound really wrong. Maybe you should have changed too? I just copied this from Clod's lyrics in the wtf song lyric thread. Good "timing". You're way on top now Since you left me You're always laughin' Way down at me But watch out now I'm gonna get there We'll be together For just a little while And then I'm gonna put you Way down here And you'll start cryin' Ninety-six tears Cry Cry __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung Last edited by Cicero; 12-20-2008 at 02:26 PM.

12-19-2008, 09:03 PM	#4
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	I think there'd be an awful danger that old patterns would begin to resurface and potentially destabilise her. Personally, except in exceptional cases, I don't think you can go back once you've really moved apart.

12-19-2008, 09:11 PM	#5
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Mac, you are just going through wishful thinking. Been there, done that and as I recall it really sucks, because even as you are doing it, you know its fucked up. Time really is a healer. Give it more time.

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