Dear cellar,

[Aliantha]

that'll be the day!

[dar512]

Originally Posted by monster

Well there was that too. OK I can't stay away, it's proven (but I did try, really, I logged offf and closed the window many times), but i am determined not to care so much ...oh wait, it was the Fuck Coma thread that made me need to post.... Hello my name is monster and I'm a dwellarholic.....

You can log off anytime you like.
But you can never leave.
Welcome to the Cellar Pennsylvania.

[monster]

This is probably completely inappropriate at this point, but what the hell..... (more hairy than a rickroll hehe)

[SteveDallas]

Ahhh.. Ally Sheedy.....

[Sundae]

I came back to get contact details from my PMs.
I did think I might be sucked back in - you've been my peer group for four years after all - but in the end I only read some things that hurt me more.

Again, it's no doubt my perception that's awry. Which means there's nothing to do but take a hike.
There hasn't been a waking hour where I haven't thought about the Cellar. I even have a couple photos saved for you - not of me or Diz for once (a church billboard which says, "it's not all about the Sundae's?!" holy greengrocer's Batman!) But if it turns me into a bitch it's not right to be here - and I have been angry as well as upset.

I have postal addresses for most of the people I care about.
Anyone who wants an email or the odd postcard can PM me - I'll check my PMs occasionally.

I'm being melodramatic.
I know.
But it hurts, and it feels real to me in a difficult time.

[Sundae]

You know what?
I typed all that, went away and metaphorically kicked myself in the head.

Sod that.
There are people I care about who I have addresses for.
But there are plenty of people here I care about.
I'm stupid to hide in my own hurt and cut my nose off to spite my face. And one thing I don't acccuse myself of is stupidity.

I think I've got the issue out of my system - mostly.
I still don't think I should be the only Dwellar called to account for irresponsibility - it occurs in many forms.
If other people aren't picked up on weight issues, drug use, alcohol use etc, I don't think it's fair if I have to think every time I post about my personal life either. And let's face it, 99.9% of what I post about is my personal life.

But I need to grow a thicker skin, stand up for myself more without collapsing into tears. And IF I have to justify what I spend, I will do - after a while, other Dwellars will be bored by it and ask questions as to why it's necessary.

Mostly I've been hurting because I've been away.
And yes, that's melodramatic too.
You's an addiction.

[glatt]

I'm glad you are back.

[BigV]

ditto

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

I still don't think I should be the only Dwellar called to account for irresponsibility - it occurs in many forms.

You aren't...

But I need to grow a thicker skin, stand up for myself more without collapsing into tears. And IF I have to justify what I spend, I will do - after a while, other Dwellars will be bored by it and ask questions as to why it's necessary.

Ignore that bit...

Mostly I've been hurting because I've been away.

You's an addiction.

I'm glad you are bad too.

Now where are those cool pictures?

[monster]

I'm glad you're back too. And I promise not to care publicly again.

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

I came back to get contact details from my PMs.
...

Ahhh...NOW it all makes sense!



(Gonna get shot for that one!)

[DanaC]

Y'know, my local friends (as opposed to my Dwellar friends) regularly see me munching down sweets, crisps, heavily sugared and coloured and flavoured goodies...and almost as regularly some of them comment. They know, because I have told them, that such food makes controlling/dealing with eczema much harder. I am an extremely hedonistic person. I am not good at denying myself something once I have latched onto wanting it. I end up eating far too much junk and after a while my system says 'No!' and I face the consequences...and then I am good for a while, until the junk starts to creep back in.

They know this. They know what I am like. Sometimes they can be a pain, keep bringing a downer onto my smarties and dairy milk. But from time to time it's kind of nice to know they're watching out for me. They know who I am, they know my little areas of weakness and danger zones. As indeed, I know theirs. They don't make the same comments to other friends whne they are munching a bag of crisps in the pub. But they may well comment on other stuff with them. That's just a thing of mine. And my friends know me enough, and care enough, to be watching for those pitfalls with me.

Sometimes, good friends nag.

*smiles*

I'm glad you're back m'dear. We want you here as you are. However that is at any one time.

[Aliantha]

I'm pretty sure no one wants to rehash it all now.

How bout we all just move on?

There's nothing to see here.

[dar512]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

There's nothing to see here.

That problem's easily fixed by you ladies providing pictures.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Ahhh...NOW it all makes sense!
(Gonna get shot for that one!)

Not by me - the implant keeps me on an even keel hormonally and I don't menstruate :p All my issues are purely emotional...

Monster you can care - of course you can care.
And in all the time I've known you I've accepted it and taken it on board and at times I've realised I was wrong and acknowledged you were right.

But there is a line.

And Dani, I do know what you mean. I know that different things are danger signs for different people - of course I do. My issue was that this was not a danger sign for me. It was not about getting into debt, not paying bills, leaving myself unable to afford basics. And neither was getting a prepacked meal from M&S and some supermarket flowers. For my parents who I love and who I'd missed. It was not tea at the Ritz. So I did feel picked on, and that my personal choices were being held up to unfair scrutiny.

If I tell you I'm drinking again - yes. Come at me all guns blazing.
I have a problem with drink.
Even in situations where I say I've drank and controlled it, it's worth reminding me. Glatt did it to me around Christmas, and it pissed me off, and he was right. Someone (maybe even someones) raised the same issue re my cider experiment, and it pissed me off and they were right.

But I am living within my means. I have savings, a small amount put by for emergencies, for the first time in a looooong time. I am paying back my debts. I've shelved my dream of having a holiday this year - I am being realistic. My parents are happy with what I contribute to the household. One person I care about is owed money by me and will be getting that at the start of August.

I'm past the hurt and the personal aspect. I just don't want to have to watch every line I write here. I bought a Torchwood book this week. I want to be able to share that in the Torchwood thread. And in the What I'm Reading thread. It was second hand, and I got it out of the library before I bought it, but I don't think I should have to write that.

I took some pictures in Milton Keynes this week. It was the first day out I'd had in a long time. It was pissing down rain but I walked miles and miles around the shopping centre, and chilled out in the Bucks countryside on the way there and back. The bus costs money. I don't want to have to hide that. I didn't have a McDonalds. I didn't buy the skirt I fell in love with. I didn't go to TFI Friday's for cocktails. I'm pleased with myself for that - I was tempted. I want to be able to share that.

Ali is right of course.
Except that I didn't take her advice.
I'm not all that reformed a character - I still wanted to get my point across.
I will let this go. Honest. Right now.
After I've said all the above of course.