Humor...I Need Humor...

Radar · 12-08-2009, 12:27 PM

Man, that's a HUGE waste. I like the "vehicle for butter consumption" thing. My daughter thinks toast is simply an edible spoon to get butter into her mouth. She puts butter no the toast, licks it off, and repeats.

Nirvana · 12-08-2009, 02:09 PM

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''

The teacher fainted.

Nirvana · 12-08-2009, 03:56 PM

> AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
>
>
>
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
>
> Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
>
>
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
> hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
> threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
> earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
> important message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
> to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
> jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
> reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
> pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
> that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating
> weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
>
> I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
> with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
> bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
> me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
> help mug us again].
>
> After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
> I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
> up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas
> station, -- on your credit card.. The guy with the big motor home took 150
> gallons and was extremely grateful!
>
> I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
> all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
>
> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
> at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
> entire driver's side of the car.
>
> Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell
> just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
> over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get
> in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
> while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
>
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
> while he traced your number etc.).
>
> In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
> this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
> threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
> rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
> opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
> you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so
> lucky.Have a good day!
>
> Thoughtfully yours,
>
> Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil
> society!
>

12-08-2009, 12:27 PM	#1
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Man, that's a HUGE waste. I like the "vehicle for butter consumption" thing. My daughter thinks toast is simply an edible spoon to get butter into her mouth. She puts butter no the toast, licks it off, and repeats. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

12-08-2009, 02:09 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Polite Way To Pee... During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.' 'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.' 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'' The teacher fainted. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-08-2009, 03:56 PM	#3
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD > AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD > > > > To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. > > Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. > > > I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I > hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, > threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and > earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather > important message. > > First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you > to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my > jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a > reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP > pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it > that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating > weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! > > I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from > with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking > bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with > me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come > help mug us again]. > > After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, > I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled > up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas > station, -- on your credit card.. The guy with the big motor home took 150 > gallons and was extremely grateful! > > I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with > all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] > > I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked > at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the > entire driver's side of the car. > > Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell > just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little > over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get > in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, > while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. > > The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess > while he traced your number etc.). > > In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel > this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your > threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these > rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the > opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path > you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so > lucky.Have a good day! > > Thoughtfully yours, > > Alex > > > P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil > society! > __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

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