My Family

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Sundae

But after she left, Mum said Laura had said, "We don't want anyone buying anything for her yet. It's too soon. You never know what might happen." While this is true, to me it is also a sign of denial. If the whole frigging lot goes to a charity shop I'd rather my neice thought someone cared before she slipped down the stairs.

Oh, ouch. Major denial. Sounds like Laura is pushing for adoption. Those hormones are going to be flowing; if Abs isn't already talking strongly about giving them up, no way is it going to happen after they're born. Sometimes even the ones who do have every intention of doing it can't go through with it when the time comes.

You're a good aunt, and Abs will thank you for it someday.

[Sundae]

Given that they waited to tell us until Abigail was beyond abortion range, I think denial is the main issue here. They might still hope she will give them up for adoption, but it is so not going to happen. I can say that with confidence, having spoken to her face to face now.

Typical of my family. I never know the rules until I transgress them. They might still be hoping for adoption and I come blundering in with baby clothes and thermometers! No-one told me not to. As far as I can tell it's just a dirty little secret. And although I know better than to thrust in their faces I'm not going to behave in that way too.

She might well be a silly girl. But today she looked strong. Not hiding behind bleached hair. Not kohl'd like an owl. Fresh and scrubbed and maintaining eye-contact. Appearances mean little, but her choice in the one she is projecting is positive.

[Sundae]

I was right in that she flatly refuses to breastfeed. Or even consider it.
But no-one has spoken to her of colustrum. No-one.

I'm not going to press her too much.
But if she's not even getting basic information, I should at least try.
She's likely to leak to start with regardless. And it's useful stuff, not moip.

[Aliantha]

Sundae, I know everyone says breast milk is best, and of course we know it's true, but it's also true that formula for babies is fantastic these days, so unless Abs is incredibly unlucky, her kids wont suffer just because she doesn't breast feed.

Believe me, I know all the arguments for and against, but ultimately, she's going to be in a precarious state when these kids arrive, so if she can make a choice she feels happy with and stick to it, then she needs to be supported.

While breast feeding is cheaper, it doesn't always work, and the stress it can cause if you think it's what you should be doing (even when you just can't physically) can be overwhelming. I know. I've been there. I've failed and felt like I'm depriving my child/ren.

Yes tell her all you can think of to tell her, but I think it's really important that she doesn't feel judged over the choice she makes in the end. Kids grow up healthy and strong whether they're formula or breast fed these days. This is probably one of the least things others should worry about, but it's one of the most controversial issues most new mothers face, and it's horrible.

To put the picture personally, I've decided not to even bother trying breast feeding this time around simply because I can't stand to deal with the stress of simply not being able to no matter what I've tried - and believe me, I've tried everything to encourage milk flow but it just doesn't happen.

If that happens with Abs and you've changed her mind and made her think it's really the best option, how will she cope with the guilt, knowing that she's already going to be stressed out of her brain with twins and a family who are largely against the notion of the kids in the first place.

anyway, sorry if I'm being rude. I just wanted to say that. I hope it's come across as I wanted it to. I don't want you to feel bad either sundae. xxx

[Sundae]

No you're not being rude. I do understand the issues surrounding breast feeding.

I really am just trying to open her up to ideas. She won't hear them at home, and of course she has no friends who've been through it either. Because of my previous job I've met more pregnant women/ new mothers than your average person. The plural of hearsay is not expertise, but it does allow me a wider view of bumps than other childless women.

And in the end, I do want what's best for her.

[Aliantha]

Yeah, I figured as much. She's probably right on the defensive with everyone, after the reception she's had in general, so I can imagine why she'd be that way.

I just had to say something knowing how much the issue of breast feeding has messed with my mind, and I'm a seasoned campaigner as far as raising kids goes.

[DanaC]

Not wanting things bought might also be a way of protecting her should something go wrong with the pregnancy. Given her youth and the fact that she's carrying twins.

[Sundae]

It could be that of course.
But given she has already suggested this as a welcome outcome I think it's still part of her denial. I'm not good at thinking the best of her of course.

Had another email from Abigail tonight.
Wow. Talk about building bridges.
She said she's already tried on the support belt and she can feel where it will help.
She writes as a teen/ young adult, not as a child writing a thank you letter for another set of scented drawer liners.

She's made up about the baby shower offer, has mentioned it to me and Mum again and thanked us. Apparently her friends really want to organise one. I imagine she's been a bit torn, wanting one but unsure of how it would be viewed at home. Of course I have reiterated that her Mum should be as involved as she wants to be, but now I've said it I'll just let her get on with it. What teen girl doesn't want to plan a party? Oh, probably lots, but I remember planning my best friend's 16th. Even though her parents were going to be upstairs. It occupied us from my birthday (July) until hers (October). It was worth it though - I did get to snog Geoff.

So, June half term.
And we're already in April.
Her bessie (who has been going to the scans with her) will contact me later this week. I'll let her have her head. We'll cater simply with a good cake, sandwiches, soft drinks etc and she and her friends can go to town with blue balloons, banners, flowers whatever. It's what I love to do too, but this is not about me.

Dad will have to go round to Stevo's for the day. Ste still has all the Sky Sports channels (we've had to give them up). The place will be a frothy palace of baby blue and gushing teens. I intend to serve and gracefully retire. Like a Great Aunt should.

She may yet lose one or both of the twins.
I am aware of this is as possibility.
Tennant at school is a surviving identical twin - his brother died after they were born.
If she loses one or both I will do what I can to help pick up the pieces. And the charity shops will be grateful for some Fairy Non-Bio capsules, some vests and sleepsuits and some size 1 nappies.

It's true I'm a spender not a saver. So although I'm buying no more clothes, where I see a Buy One Get One Free on babywipes, as I did today, I'll stick them in my shopping basket.

The mundane things will help if she gets through this safely.
And the willingness to see it as a future, not an ending is already helping her.
Goodness. I sound all Donna there.
(Noble)

[DanaC]

I think you're handling this brilliantly. One or two people making positive noises and treating this as, if not the preferred option, at the very least a potentially lovely thing will do a lot to offset the upset and turmoil of it all.


[eta] frankly, the potential dangers to one or both twins makes it all the more imporatant that she gets to own this now.

[Aliantha]

How far along is she again? It's true that twins are high risk, but in all honesty, she is in the prime of her child bearing years (even though society chooses to have kids later), so she has the best chance of a healthy delivery unless there are other complications.

I think in all things, you must focus on the positive side of things and just assume it's all going to be fine. Especially with babies.

I think you're doing the right thing helping out Sundae. If things do go balls up, I would be willing to bet she might tread the same path again some time in the next couple of years anyway, so it wont all be for nothing.

[Aliantha]

I just worked it out. She must be about 15 or 16 weeks?

That scan was pretty early to be able to determine the sex of the babies definitively. I had one at 12 weeks and there was no way to tell.

Just curious.

I'm 14 weeks and a couple of days, so that means Abs is only a couple of weeks in front of me.

[ZenGum]

Which, since twins often emerge early, means it is neck and neck for the Delivery Stakes!

[monster]

i thought it was a 20 week scan

[BigV]

Originally Posted by DanaC

I think you're handling this brilliantly. One or two people making positive noises and treating this as, if not the preferred option, at the very least a potentially lovely thing will do a lot to offset the upset and turmoil of it all.


[eta] frankly, the potential dangers to one or both twins makes it all the more imporatant that she gets to own this now.

There's a strong tendency for people to see what they want to see. If she's hopeful, Sundae's words to her will ring out. Keep up the good work Sundae.

[Aliantha]

Originally Posted by monster

i thought it was a 20 week scan

Well that's what I had in my mind too, so maybe it was mentioned elsewhere? Can't remember, and it's very possible I am wrong. lol

The reason I was confused was because of the discussion about things going wrong, but if it's after 20 weeks, then things are looking pretty good, and every extra week means the prognosis is better and better.