I Just Can't Stand It

infinite monkey · 03-27-2013, 01:57 PM

I don't talk about her because it seems to me that it's been a topic of discussion that I have no right to mourn her.

Only a bit more subtle than my friend telling me to shut up because she didn't care what I was talking about.

I did try to talk about her in the what are you reading, but as is usual that got posted all around but upside down.

Many of us miss her. We all grieve differently. Some of us have survivor's guilt. Some are hanging onto the meds and the therapy and the psychiatry so hard we're leaving fingernail marks even when we don't have fingernails, sad with the knowledge that a great, loving, and talented person is gone, and knowing our presence or lack thereof doesn't mean much one way or another, and that the stint in the bin that probably saved our life could've been foregone without much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And stomachs hurt and eyes leak and confusion rules the day. I don't think I'm alone, except of course, for the fact that I am alone.

I am sorry for everyone who is hurting, I feel for all of us who miss her, and I know we all do. I've been ashamed to say anything, feeling like I have no right. So here it is, in an inappropriate thread, but I finally said it and I hope that it is a good thing. Or at least, not a very bad thing.

More of my double pennies.

03-27-2013, 01:57 PM	#11
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	I don't talk about her because it seems to me that it's been a topic of discussion that I have no right to mourn her. Only a bit more subtle than my friend telling me to shut up because she didn't care what I was talking about. I did try to talk about her in the what are you reading, but as is usual that got posted all around but upside down. Many of us miss her. We all grieve differently. Some of us have survivor's guilt. Some are hanging onto the meds and the therapy and the psychiatry so hard we're leaving fingernail marks even when we don't have fingernails, sad with the knowledge that a great, loving, and talented person is gone, and knowing our presence or lack thereof doesn't mean much one way or another, and that the stint in the bin that probably saved our life could've been foregone without much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And stomachs hurt and eyes leak and confusion rules the day. I don't think I'm alone, except of course, for the fact that I am alone. I am sorry for everyone who is hurting, I feel for all of us who miss her, and I know we all do. I've been ashamed to say anything, feeling like I have no right. So here it is, in an inappropriate thread, but I finally said it and I hope that it is a good thing. Or at least, not a very bad thing. More of my double pennies. Last edited by infinite monkey; 03-27-2013 at 02:03 PM.

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