Liver and Cherry

[Gravdigr]

Nice to hear from you, Sundae. I had noticed a certain lack in the Cellar lately.

[Undertoad]

Hang in there 'dae!

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'm so happy you chose/are choosing, to do the best thing for your health.

I can only do so when I'm out, which means it's a good day. Then I compose posts which are bright and breezy, but don't fully reflect my life.

Posts don't fully reflect my life... wow.
We banter back and forth with, not people, but constructs we've put together from clues in their posts. I think while we bitch about annoyances, when life gets really dark we tend to hold that close to the vest. Could be waiting for it to play out so the whole story is told. Could be not wanting to be a dark cloud, bumming people out. Maybe not wanting to appear a weakling, not able to handle adversity. I guess there's as many reasons as people, but I still believe it's common.

Have pigeon poo on me...

Good, serves you right for feeding the flying shit factories.

[Undertoad]

Oh yes and

Two very caring and beautiful people.

I believe it. I also believe they can care so much with ease, because you are worth it.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Posts don't fully reflect my life... wow. We banter back and forth with, not people, but constructs we've put together from clues in their posts. I think while we bitch about annoyances, when life gets really dark we tend to hold that close to the vest. Could be waiting for it to play out so the whole story is told. Could be not wanting to be a dark cloud, bumming people out. Maybe not wanting to appear a weakling, not able to handle adversity. I guess there's as many reasons as people, but I still believe it's common.

Very common for me at least, for any combination of these reasons and more.

Originally Posted by Sundae

I can only do so when I'm out, which means it's a good day. Then I compose posts which are bright and breezy, but don't fully reflect my life.

For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with posts that don't fully reflect your life, in and of themselves. I find that, for me at least, sometimes the bright and breezy posts can to a certain degree trick me into feeling that my life is indeed bright and breezy. Some people find putting up a facade to be even more guilt-inducing and distasteful than just feeling bad in the first place, so it's not for everyone. But for some, the facade can be meaningful and useful.

[limey]

Love you Sundae! XXX

[BigV]

Hi Sundae,

Please take good care of yourself.

[orthodoc]

Thanks for the update, Sundae. I'm glad you're still working toward treatment, even if the process is slow. Take care of yourself; this world still needs you.

[Sundae]

Okay. Off to Leeds tomorrow for the assessment.
Doubt I'll sleep tonight, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
As usual what I really fear is fear itself. I am so scared of bad news, delays, censure, rejection and the fall-out when I come "home". Which is really not home now, just a place I doss down in.

Reading Kenneth Williams' diaries, which probably doesn't help.
He was so unhappy so often, and could see no way out of his own situation, isolation, self-loathing. But so much of it chimes with my mood.

If I ever get accepted to the Unit I will keep a diary.
I even bought a lovely book to keep it in, but it's useless while I'm like this. Carruthers has so very kindly offered to try to help get the laptop back up and running at home, but in some ways I am emotionally reluctant to do so, because I'm so worried what I will publicly expose. And obv I don't mean body parts because I've done that sober with no regrets.

If I regret anything it's posting unfairly about Mum when I've been in a temper, or feeling hurt. Both bring out such vitriol and unpleasantness and it is still there years later. If I sound off on the phone to someone I can say afterwards, "Sorry, you didn't need to hear that, I don't feel the same today".

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

Right. Back to the flat. Diz has been fed, I'm just out to quietly kill time before the the long dark.
And Winter is coming, fools

[Clodfobble]

If you get a place in the Unit, will you be without internet access?

[Sundae]

It's on my list of questions.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Sundae

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

One thing I've been trying to do more of lately is forgive myself. I'm my own harshest critic. I think we all are. You are a good egg, Sundae. Forgive yourself.

[limey]

^WHS^

[infinite monkey]

WSSHS ^

Keep hanging on, Sundae.

[Big Sarge]

don't sweat the small stuff, baby. you know you will be accepted. one way i use to overcome fear, is to become angered. you know, you get that king kong mother-fucker attitude and can do anything.

stupid advice, but it works for me