Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 184

Aliantha · 06-10-2009, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

American Kids vs Italian Kids

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married......
Unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees.
If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done .
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done.

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish,
A choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.

American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread .
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).

American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.

American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.

This could be applied to greek families too. It reminds me a lot of my friends family (who happen to be greek).

In fact, when they'd just gotten married and moved into thier own home my friend and I had gone out, and I'd brought a bloke home with me. Her dad showed up at about 8am to do some painting when this guy was still there, and boy did I get some looks. Embarrassment!

capnhowdy · 06-11-2009, 06:21 PM

SOCIALISM You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two cows.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

classicman · 06-11-2009, 08:08 PM

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VUQ-4Z17s4

I can't remember how to link that, but I found it rather humorous...

dar512 · 06-12-2009, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

I'm missing the humor in that. do you need to be one or the other to get it?

My wife is half Italian. It's all factual AFAICT.

My first visit to Mrs. Dar's Italian side of the family was an eye opener. We arrived at her cousin's house ~ 3pm. We were due to have dinner at her Aunt's house ~6. The cousin thought we might want to "pick a little" after our car ride. The 'snack' she prepared was two kinds of meat, three kinds of bread, an assortment of cheeses, two salads, two kinds of peppers and a pie.

monster · 06-12-2009, 06:16 PM

well yes, but i don't see why it's amusing is all. I wondered if there was something subtle underneath that I just wasn't getting.

toranokaze · 06-13-2009, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

I guess so Monnie - It must be an inside joke.
try this one:

I think we have the same insurance plan

capnhowdy · 06-13-2009, 06:48 AM

Three men--a Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon--are talking about their families. The Baptist says, "I've four boys. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

That Catholic says, "I've eight boys. One more and I'll have a baseball team."

The Mormon says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

ZenGum · 06-13-2009, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

Three men--a Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon--are talking about their families. The Baptist says, "I've four boys. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

That Catholic says, "I've eight boys. One more and I'll have a baseball team."

The Mormon says, "I've 5 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Not everything in life is a par four.

capnhowdy · 06-13-2009, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Not everything in MY life is a par four.

Fixed

classicman · 06-14-2009, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 06-12-2009 at 02:49 AM.

Thanks Bruce.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-16-2009, 02:02 AM

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash....
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say "Da Bridge is Out"?

sweetwater · 06-17-2009, 06:52 PM

There's one image in this set that is probably NSFW, but otherwise OK.

Enjoy!

classicman · 06-17-2009, 07:31 PM

A couple emailed to me this week - enjoy....

dar512 · 06-19-2009, 10:47 AM

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Shawnee123 · 06-19-2009, 01:53 PM

"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"It is believed that" = I think.
"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

http://www.ourfunnylists.com/lang_academic.html

06-11-2009, 06:21 PM	#2747
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	SOCIALISM You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor. COMMUNISM You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead. ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-11-2009, 08:08 PM	#2748
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VUQ-4Z17s4 I can't remember how to link that, but I found it rather humorous... __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 06-12-2009 at 02:49 AM.

06-12-2009, 06:16 PM	#2750
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	well yes, but i don't see why it's amusing is all. I wondered if there was something subtle underneath that I just wasn't getting. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-13-2009, 06:48 AM	#2752
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Three men--a Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon--are talking about their families. The Baptist says, "I've four boys. One more and I'll have a basketball team." That Catholic says, "I've eight boys. One more and I'll have a baseball team." The Mormon says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-16-2009, 02:02 AM	#2756
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: 'Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!' As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!' From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash.... Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say "Da Bridge is Out"? __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-17-2009, 06:52 PM	#2757
sweetwater lives inside a Mobius strip Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 1,120	There's one image in this set that is probably NSFW, but otherwise OK. Enjoy! __________________ I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque! - Bugs Bunny

06-17-2009, 07:31 PM	#2758
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A couple emailed to me this week - enjoy.... Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-19-2009, 10:47 AM	#2759
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker. Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. Abba--- Denture Queen. Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To. And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

06-19-2009, 01:53 PM	#2760
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Deciphering Academic Talk "A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless. "Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "It is believed that" = I think. "It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too. "Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong. "According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it. "A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it. "After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either. "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit. http://www.ourfunnylists.com/lang_academic.html __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

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