Not his father

[jeff daniels]

Hey everyone.. I am in a relationship with a great woman who has a 7 yr old boy from a different relationship. We all live together and in general have fairly good relationships with each other.

But... the boy of 7 doesn't listen to his mom, unless she is yelling at him. And against her desire I find myself disciplining the child daily. His father has never been around, yet the 7yr still holds on to the idea of having his father. His confidence is low and typically it takes a lot of patience to deal with his mood swings and temper.

As someone who has only been with these two for less than a year, and who also does not have a whole lot of experience with children as a parent figure. I am wondering if anyone might have had or is experiencing the same things, I want the boy to respect me and his mother, and I want to be able to give the boy what he needs to in order to be a great person when he gets older... but I am losing faith, he sneaks things, is starting to get into fights at school, screams and yells and gets violent when he is angry, his attention span is very short and basically he has anger and listening problems. He's not all bad and I do really enjoy spending time with him.. but.. he doesn't respond to the discipline... he seeks the comfort of his mother (who tends to melt at his distress)..which I understand.. but doesn't help. I feel like he is constantly getting away with things and is never really having to pay the piper. We do not spank or beat him our discipline is generally sending him to his room, or withholding things from him... which sometimes works.. but it is not very effective... anyone?

[monster]

Where do you see your relationship with his mother going? How many other partners has she lived with between dad and you and what were her previous living arrangements when not with a partner? History helps.

Also, pick your battles. "Daily" disciplining seems like you may be coming down hard. Pick the behaviour that bothers you most, explain to him why it's wrong and what will be the consequence of the behaviour and then follow through. Try to find acceptable compromises. Is he sneaking candy (many kids do this, btw). Either don't have candy in the house or maybe decide that it's fine for him to have candy as long as he checks that it isn't just before dinner and he brushes his teeth afterwards, for example. Hopefully the behaviour will lose some of it's appeal.

[glatt]

Welcome to the Cellar.

In a nut shell, you and the mom need to be consistent. You need to enforce the rules in the same way as one another, and you need to each enforce the rules the same way, every time. It's easy to get lazy and let minor things slide, and then they build up and you can have an over reaction when the final straw sends you over the edge. That laziness actually leads to more work in the long run.

Kids want to know the rules. They want to know where they stand. They will test the rules, and if you don't enforce them consistently, they will become distressed. Don't let the minor things slide. Enforce everything. Every time.

I'm not saying your rules have to be strict. I'm just saying that if you bother to make something a rule, you have to always enforce it. If you want to make a special case about something, you should announce that this particular time, for whatever reason, you aren't enforcing the rule.

And as for listening, it helps to squat down so that you are right in their face, lock eyes with them, and speak clearly and calmly. It's more likely to sink in that way. They can't ignore it.

You don't want to be training them to only pay attention when you yell. Talking at a normal volume should be enough. Just speak firmly.

[monster]

Originally Posted by glatt

And as for listening, it helps to squat down so that you are right in their face, lock eyes with them, and speak clearly and calmly. It's more likely to sink in that way. They can't ignore it.

You don't want to be training them to only pay attention when you yell. Talking at a normal volume should be enough. Just speak firmly.

^^ absolutely this

[Juniper]

And don't forget to tell him how terrific he is, how much you enjoy spending time with him.

Compliments will go a lot farther than you think!

[Clodfobble]

You need to have a conversation with the mom about the discipline plan you are going to enforce together. As long as he knows he can go to her and she will give in, he will never respect the authority of either of you. In fact, as the (sort of) step parent, it's actually preferable for her to do most of the disciplining at first, while he gets used to the idea of you as a second authority figure, but that means she's going to have to step up and not "melt" when he demands things. Work out a plan together--and genuinely listen if she thinks something honestly isn't worth enforcing, come up with a set of rules you can both live with--and let her know you will support her in her efforts to get her son's behavior on track.

[Rhianne]

Sell him to the Gypsies.

[jeff daniels]

As far as I know there has never been another live in "dad" - and her sons dad left before he could walk.

[jeff daniels]

I've suggested that... so far no dice.

[squirell nutkin]

And seriously, get to a library and start reading books on parenting. It is important to realize that while most adults are just grown up kids, kids are not miniature adults.

[Gravdigr]

Hey Jeff, were Jimmer, Remnar, Rueben, and Albert based on real people? (This is a test.)