Cuil Theory

[Ibby]

Explanation: There used to be an search engine called Cuil, which had its own automated encyclopedia that would splice together sentences from within your search results to form a supposedly informative single article. Naturally, these articles were nonsense most of the time.

Users would make fun of this by typing random things into Cuil and then laughing at the gibberish article they got. This became the cuil meme.

The way it worked was if there was something that didn't quite make sense, you said it had a certain number of cuils. Reddit user RedDyeNumber4 took the cuil meme and established Cuil Theory, an attempt to regiment and define the different levels of nonsense.

Can we make that a unit of measurement?
One Cuil = One level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.
Example: You ask me for a Hamburger.
1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.
2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.
3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.
4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.
And so on.
edit: other Cuil levels added for completeness.
5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.
6 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

[Ibby]

tw lives at perpetual 1.75 cuils.

[ZenGum]

Ibby, put the lighter down and back slowly away from the bong.

Nah, carry on.

And go eat a vegetable. Just one.

[Ibby]

I love invented, abstract units of measurement for invented, abstract concepts though!
and don't worry, i'm getting enough green in my diet...

[JBKlyde]

It sounds like the aftermath of a nuclear bomb only the bomb was a dud.

[Spexxvet]

Originally Posted by Ibby

I love invented, abstract units of measurement for invented, abstract concepts though!
and don't worry, i'm getting enough green in my diet...

My favorite:

Couric
The standard unit measurement for mass weight of feces, as noted on the 2007 South Park episode "More Crap". The European Fecal Standards & Measurements Board in Zürich keeps track of the authenticity of its records. It is mentioned in the episode that "one Katie Couric is about two and a half pounds of excrement". The original record was set in 1960 at 7.5 Courics. It was revealed in October 2007 that the record excrement is in fact Bono of U2 fame, which had grown to 80 Courics. This explains why Bono seems so great, yet is still a piece of shit. That same day, American Randy Marsh set the new record at 100 Courics. The record still stands.
me: damn dude, i gotta take the biggest dump, but i think i'm gonna wait till the plane lands.

friend: oh yeah? how many courics do you think it weighs?

me: I hadn't shit all week, i must be constipated..i'm guessing about 6 and half Courics.

friend: fuck man! Don't you know you're not supposed to fly when on your turd trimester?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=couric

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Ibby

I love invented, abstract units of measurement for invented, abstract concepts though!
and don't worry, i'm getting enough green in my diet...

If that were true you'd have a Kurt Schwitters sig line.

[Ibby]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

If that were true you'd have a Kurt Schwitters sig line.

i DID once upon a time!
in fact, not only that, but the entire past week, i've been queueing/autoposting one excerpt from Ursonate every night on my Tumblr. no joke!

[jimhelm]

wanna hamburger?

[infinite monkey]

That looks WAY better than a painted hamburger.

[toranokaze]

I think you just killed my racoon's grandfather.