Neglecting Neighborly Norms

[Chocolatl]

I just need to vent.

My neighbor can't take a hint.

I feel sorry for her, because she must be desperate for human interaction, but she is incredibly socially awkward and I am an unfortunate victim of her cluelessness.

When we first brought our daughter home, she would call me and leave voice messages inviting me over at a certain time so she could see the baby. I usually ignored the calls, as I was trying to recover from surgery and had my hands full because, you know, BABY. After about two weeks, she rang our doorbell one day asking to come in to see the baby. WTF? Trying to be polite, my husband let her in, and I had to struggle to make small talk as she babbled about her classes at the local university. (Her: "I got a B on an assignment. What should I do?" Me: "?!?!") She asked if I had gotten her messages, and I tried to explain that I had and was just pretty busy. I told her text messages were the best way to reach me and I'd answer them when I could.

She said that where she comes from, people just show up unannounced at each other's doorsteps all the time. (In my head I was like "YEAH WE DON'T DO THAT HERE GTFO.") I told her that my sleep schedule was really unpredictable and I'd really, really appreciate her messaging to see if it was a good time before she came over. She asked if I was breastfeeding (none of your business?). After I said that I was and needed to feed the baby, it took way too long for her to realize she should probably let herself out.

So over the past five months I've been avoiding her like the plague. If we cross paths in the driveway, I say hello and keep walking. I respond to her text messages with perfunctory answers, and never ask how she is doing in return. I am like Grumpy Cat.

She rang our doorbell at 9 pm tonight. Who... what? Business hours are over. I have a BABY. WHO IS ASLEEP. And who I hope will remain that way despite the barking dogs and RINGING DOORBELL. GO. AWAY.

She brought us a cake.

???

(And I can't eat it, since it has chocolate and dairy.)

Am I crazy for thinking it is utterly and completely rude to invite yourself in to people's homes and go dropping in on them at 9 pm, cake notwithstanding?

TL;DR -- Anyone know how to set up lasers at the front door to reduce unwanted visitors to piles of ash?

(For the record: Thankfully, Beans did not wake up. My head would've exploded if she had.)

[orthodoc]

Not crazy. Your neighbor is clueless (best case scenario) or just plain rude. Even if she suffers from social awkwardness you don't have to let her in when she shows up unannounced. 'I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time,' as you keep her on the porch, sort of thing, could be an alternative to the lasers (not nearly as satisfying, I know!).

[BigV]

Bum-mer.

I think you're on the right track. You are not engaging her, encouraging her--good. I have had experiences when I was not interested in talking to someone. When I can avoid answering (phone/txt/email) I do. Their reaction is their choice. When they're knocking on the door, I have been known to interrupt their opening gambit with my own "Sorry, I'm not interested, thanks." and shut the door. There's just that one sentence and then the conversation's over.

It doesn't seem like this is enough to make her stop, given that she's still after you and Bean for five months now. I would consider escalating the example I gave with something like "Sorry, my baby's asleep, good night." Why else would you want to have a longer conversation with her? Maybe she has some novel, unknown information for you? Your lights are on in your car. Your house is on fire. A previously unknown cache of Twinkies has been discovered (no dairy, no chocolate). Whatever. If it IS important, she'll press. Until she does, just close the conversation.

The next level of go away might use these words: "You're really bothering me--leave me alone!". Perhaps it could escalate into calling the cops. Or having a restraining order filed. I have done/had done unto me all the above. Something will work. Eventually, she'll give up. If she's not utterly clueless, one of these BIG BOLD ALLCAPS wave-offs will get it; mission accomplished. If she is completely clueless, she needs big loud messages to make it clear.

[Nirvana]

Kind of weird for a single female to want to visit a couple with a baby. I would not be eating that cake.

I live in the middle of nowhere no one can show up here without cutting the gate lock or being eaten by the dog. I would be paranoid of this woman if I had a baby.

> back to sitting on my porch rocker with my shotgun> not really it might be true

[xoxoxoBruce]

You can post a subtle note on the door, "If you wake the baby you die".

Maybe your life is too baby-centric. I've seen parents throw the two week old kid in the back seat of a TR-4, and go on a picnic. Others park the bassinet in the middle of a party at three months. They maintained their sanity, and their kids turned out fine.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Kind of weird for a single female to want to visit a couple with a baby. I would not be eating that cake.

I live in the middle of nowhere no one can show up here without cutting the gate lock or being eaten by the dog. I would be paranoid of this woman if I had a baby.

> back to sitting on my porch rocker with my shotgun> not really it might be true

re cake

Nirvana, have you been watching the first season of American Horror Story?

[Aliantha]

Maybe your neighbour just loves babies and wants to be friends? She might have picked a bad time to try and instigate a relationship, but she seems well meaning.

Maybe things are different over there, but here, when you have a baby, every tom, dick and harry shows up with a cake or some other kind of food after a baby is born. It's the way we go about showing we care and want to help in a small way.

I remember my Aunty B telling me a story about how, after her daughter was born, my Mum made her a sponge cake and delivered it on the second day, and how my aunt said that cake was just about all she ate for the first few days and how she'll never forget how glad she was to have it.

My point is that different people and families have different customs. Sometimes they seem odd, but mostly they're harmless.

Try not to be so weirded out by her. She sounds pretty harmless to me.

[DanaC]

wss^

She may just be very socially inept and unable to see that her way of doing things clashes utterly with your way of doing things.

Of course having a friend like that can be a pain in the butt, particularly if said friend is actually only interested in talking about themselves. Not that I mind people who talk mainly about themselves, it's usually interesting to hear their stories, but not when it is imposed on me at a time I don't want to be engaging.

I've had friends like that. One of them used to drive me and J demented turning up at odd times and never ever taking a hint. Once he was installed in the house he'd be there til gone midnight. Actually had to ask him to leave a few times. And if you didn't answer the door when he rang the bell he'd walk around and start peering in windows and tapping on them. One time we were actually in bed, having a lazy Sunday morning an dhe kept it up for 25 minutes. We were in a ground floor flat...our bedroom window was on a level with the rest and he was trying to peer in the gap in the curtains and tapping on the glass as we lay there silent and trying not to laugh sheer disbelief.

He also had a darling side though. And was genuinely a friend, rather than a neighbour/acquaintance we'd picked up along the way. And in truth would do anything for anyone, as long as they said it up front and didn't try to make subtle hints. Poor guy, he's dead now. Was about 32 I think when he died.

Have had other less pleasant examples though, and your method of just not really engaging beyond civil responses to texts is very similar to how I dealt with those situations.

I think if she turns up again without advance notice, you should not let her in. Keep her at the door (as others have said), be firm but not unfriendly, matter of fact. You can even thank her for coming round to see you're ok, but that it is not a good time for a visit.

[Chocolatl]

Oh, I'm not freaked out and it certainly won't escalate to restraining orders. She does mean well and is just trying desperately to befriend me. Like Ali said, she just picked an awkward time to try! She's very sweet -- she just is very extroverted in her attempts and has not noticed that I am incredibly introverted.

When someone rings our doorbell, it creates an explosion of sound as both dogs come galloping and barking to defend us from whoever is at the door. It's obnoxious, but not a big deal during the day. It just really got my hackles up that it happened as I was on my way to bed.

[Chocolatl]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Maybe your life is too baby-centric. I've seen parents throw the two week old kid in the back seat of a TR-4, and go on a picnic. Others park the bassinet in the middle of a party at three months. They maintained their sanity, and their kids turned out fine.

Must be nice! Beans is a light sleeper, so keeping her asleep once she falls asleep is in the best interest of my sanity.

[Aliantha]

You know, Max was a really difficult baby. Have a look back about 4 years ago and you'll see some horrific posts from around the time he was born. I could just about have killed anyone who woke him when he was sleeping, but even that wasn't enough to save my sanity.

I hope things are ok with your moods Choco. A few of your posts have made me wonder if you might need a little help? Please don't be offended. Please please don't. I just wonder if you might be having troubles coping a little if Beans has a few little quirks that are hard to cope with and you might find really take a lot out of you emotionally. If things are fine and I'm just imagining things (misery loves company you know) just tell me to shut up, but if you need a chat, just pm me. I would like to think I could give a bit back in return for the support people showed me when I needed it.

If your neighbour is a bit needy, but seems genuine, maybe you could just try being honest with her. Let her know you need a bit of space, but that you appreciate her efforts and that when things are a bit easier you'll have her over for dinner or something. Being introverted is ok, but I've always loved the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child". She's part of your village. Maybe you could ask her to babysit for an hour and take a walk with kits or something? Might be nice...

[Trilby]

I like and agree with what orthodoc said: don't let her in, keep her on the porch and say "sorry, this isn't a good time for me and THE BABY,"

Unfortunately my NFH (neighbor from hell) scenario escalated to the point where we ARE both trespassed from the other's property but she is a true nut; this woman sounds like just just never had proper training and NO you do NOT show up on someone's doorstep at nine o'clock unannounced and unexpected unless you're lumberjim, then, why, honey, c'mon in!

Firm, polite, but FIRM. NO is a complete sentence.

[Chocolatl]

Thanks Ali. I really appreciate that, I'm all right -- honest! I'm the kind of person who likes to get things out of my system -- so I'll write things down as a way of letting them go. I was really more bewildered than upset by the neighbor, and meant my OP to be more "WTF?" than it seems to have come across I have plenty of happy things to share, they just seem so cheesy and saccharine once written I tend not to post them.

[Aliantha]

Post away. We love cheesy stuff here.

[Chocolatl]

Ex: I lent her a drill this weekend. She had some questions about how to use it last night at the door, so Kitsune invited her to come over today during daylight hours to help her out.