Finding a good lover?

[Sundae]

Sadly, I want the best of both worlds, arse-sunshine on both sides. Or - even more unlikely - a best friend I can love (in a non-Platonic way)

I've tried the alternatives. I married a man who thought the sun rose and set in my eyes and I broke his heart. I deserved to feel guilty when I left him, but he got to move on and I still dream about him in self-flagellation mode.

I then entered a turbulant relationship (the evil ex) where I adored him because I couldn't have him completely and lay down and submitted any time I was asked. My body responded to him in extraordinary ways - and I'm not talking orgasms (although there were a normal amount). Sending and receiving texts and emails sent my body into classic fight or flight modes - dropped stomach, butterflies, increased pulse, flushed skin. Our fights became physical. We shouted and screamed and made up and did it again. I lost 10lb in two weeks when he spent it with his ex.

Ridiculous. Love isn't a dictatorship. Or an extreme sport.
I'd like to love and be loved. I'm a better candidate for that than I ever was in the past. But I know - completely without self-pity - that it is highly unlikely I will have a fulfilling relationship again.