Humor...I Need Humor...

[Iggy]

This is an email I recieved, and seeing as how people forward all of those crazy emails I thought it was pretty funny. I thought I would share.

Oh, and the subject of the email was: Thank you for all of the helpful email advice!


THANKS, because of you, my life is better and more safe........



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one
either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....oh one more thing......
--------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late